Dear Dr Nekia,

My long-term boyfriend is beginning to work long hours. While we welcome the extra money that it brings in, he rarely has any time or energy to spend on us.

At first I was patient because I know that we need the money, but now I feel like our relationship is suffering because of it.

He is addicted to working now. I have suggested that he take some time off but he refuses, and I try to tell him how I am feeling but he brushes it off as me complaining.

He says that I’m never satisfied because I used to complain about money, but now I complain about him not being home.

How do I get him to understand my feelings without being a nag?

Sincerely, Feeling Alone

Dear Feeling Alone,

A lot of men have a one-directional mind. Once they are focused on something, they tend to get tunnel vision and solely work towards their goal.

Your man has an opportunity to work and bring in more money. This most likely makes him feel more capable as a man, and it, in his mind, fixes the relationship problem of not having enough income.

Now that problem is fixed, you are bringing another complaint to him that has arisen out of the fact that he solved the original problem. This, to him, is making it seem like nothing he does is ever good enough.

So where he was feeling proud as a man, your complaints are causing him to feel less proud. When he says that you are never satisfied, what he is really saying is that you are making him feel as though he cannot satisfy you. This is taken to be a direct attack on his ego, and he will unfortunately most likely react in the opposite way to what you would expect.

If you want to improve the quality of your relationship, you need to offer more praise and appreciation for his work efforts.

Reassure him repeatedly that you respect him and appreciate all that he does. Once he sees that you value him in this way, you can begin to introduce the idea of balance into your relationship. To avoid him being defensive, let him know that you miss him and suggest ideas for how you can have more moments together.

Also, during the times that he is at home, try to encourage him to interact with you more by participating in activities that you will both enjoy.

As difficult as it may be, try not to let him get too comfortable with coming home and just going to sleep. He will need adequate rest, but he should not be allowed to be absent from the relationship. If working takes all of his energy, then it is time to have a serious discussion about it.

Working so much is not only harmful to your relationship, but also to his health and wellbeing. Some of us have to work multiple jobs to make ends meet, but something has to give.

Take an honest look at your lifestyle and expenses if this is the case for the two of you. Just like he gains more reward by putting more time and effort into work, the same is true for your relationship. The less time and effort he puts into working is the less he gets paid. Likewise, the less time and effort that he puts into your relationship is the less he will get out of that, too.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I have struggled with my husband for years. He just did not seem like the ambitious type. He is not lazy but he was feeling down about himself because of his inability to be a provider like he would have wanted.

I have a pretty good job so we have been able to make ends meet, but it has been a task keeping him positive and working.

Recently he has gotten a big promotion and his spirits are lifted. I should be happy for him, but honestly I feel a bit jealous.

Is this normal? I feel like his life is going well due to my advice and support, yet my life is staying the same. Now I just feel stuck.

Sincerely, Jealous Of His Success

Dear Jealous Of His Success,

Jealousy, while common, is not healthy when it is directed towards your spouse. It is an indication of a disconnection whereby you feel that there exists a “him versus me” paradigm.

In this state of mind it is quite easy to slip into focusing on your life in the face of his success. However, this is selfish, and this is a time when you should be celebrating him.

So why is it that you feel disconnected? What is separating you? It is not uncommon for couples to feel jealous of one another, but what concerns me is the reason behind such jealousy.

In your case, it seems as though you were the cheerleader behind his failures and you may have gotten used to this role.

You got used to him being the non-achiever. Since he has become successful, you will need to readjust your role within the marriage. You may also feel a bit lost or no longer needed, which is understandable, but perception here is key because he will need your continued support as well as for you to be present in the marriage in other ways.

If you no longer have to put so much energy into cheerleading, you now have freed energy to put towards other areas of the marriage that will be mutually beneficial and work to enhance married life.

Try focusing on being proud of the fact that you encouraged your husband to be a better man. Do not underestimate your role in his success, and begin to see his success as your success, too.

In a marriage you must remember to move as one, and this includes when personal accomplishments are to be celebrated.

If he has become a better man, then you will have a better marriage and life will be happier and vice versa.

A couple is only as strong as the weakest partner, so enjoy the benefits and be proud of your man and the role that you played in his success.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I’ve been married for five years and marriage is not all it’s cracked up to be.

While dating, my husband was very attentive and caring towards me and others, but since being married I have noticed big changes in him.

I first began noticing his temper shortly after we were married, and from there things got worse. At first I thought that maybe he just needed time to adjust to being married, but he no longer does the things he used to do for me and he expects a lot.

He expects me to play the wife role in every way, but outside of being a provider and a leader he really is not a good husband to me.

Sex is an obligation that I try to avoid as much as possible because I do not like the way that I am being treated. I ask myself why do I stay, and it is because I never wanted to get divorced and I took my vows seriously.

How can I get him to understand that he is no longer the man that I fell in love with?

Sincerely, Unhappily Married

Dear Unhappily Married,/b<

It is good that you have taken the first steps to assessing your situation. Now that you have honestly answered the question of why it is that you stay married, the next question would be to ask yourself, is it worth it?

What are the benefits you are receiving from staying in an unhappy marriage? Do social or religious beliefs play a big role in your decision?

Do the expectations of others, such as family members, influence your staying?

It is important that you answer all of these questions because they lead up to the biggest question of them all: are you more committed to the idea of marriage rather than the marriage itself?

Often we guilt ourselves into remaining in unhealthy situations. Yes, marriage is supposed to be this wonderful way of life that is filled with security and commitment, but we can forget one important piece of the puzzle — love. When you said your vows and committed yourself, I am sure that you were not committing yourself to the unhappy life that you are now living.

You said that you feel as though he is not the man you married. So if he is not, then exactly who are you committed to?

Furthermore, it sounds as though he is not living up to the marital vows, which is a contract of commitment between two people, not one.

I am all for saving a marriage that wants to be saved, but you cannot do it alone and chances are that he already is aware of the man who he has turned out to be. I say this because his behaviour began changing once you were married.

It also concerns me that you are also avoiding intimacy with your spouse, which tells me two things: one, you are so emotionally hurt that you have begun to shut down, and two, that you have already started to exit the union.

Once again I ask you, are you more committed to the marriage that you got dealt, or are you more committed to upholding the expectations and idea of marriage?

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