Dear Dr Nekia,

In your last column, in response to Mr It Doesn’t Feel Right, you said that attachment is not relationship. Can you please explain the difference because I am experiencing some similar things in my relationship and I have never heard anyone say that before.

Sincerely,

Me Too

Dear Me Too,

If you recall, Mr It Doesn’t Feel Right felt that his girlfriend was withdrawn and not really committed to the relationship.

His uneasiness led to him being a bit confused as to what was going on. Verbal commitment was expressed and loyalty was displayed in that the couple were still together, however the relationship still had noticeable voids.

As I said, being committed to one another means that there is a daily promise and honest effort to show up, and be present with and for one another. A lack of commitment will be noticeable if either of these things are not present. This can be confusing if you do not understand that commitment is not just choosing to stay together, or not cheating.

Someone can very well remain in a relationship without cheating, yet still not really be fully committed. Relationships are built upon mutual commitment. There are many kinds of relationships that are formed between people, but all depend upon a mutual commitment to making the relationship work.

Attachment, on the other hand, is not based upon commitment but upon connection. Individuals are drawn to one another and tend to do whatever it takes to hold on to that connection. This is very self-serving and, if both individuals involved share a sense of mutual connection, codependency can form. It is sort of like an addiction to being in one another’s lives that can present itself in many forms — from intense passion and chemistry to simply being comfortable or used to being together.

Attachments can mimic relationships and love, but it usually leaves us with a feeling of something being missing and is always dysfunctional in one way or another.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I started dating a woman who I have introduced to my daughter.

Everything was going great until my daughter said that she needed to talk to me. She said that it really bothered her that I was seeing this woman because she drank alcohol.

My girlfriend does not get drunk often, but she does enjoy a glass or two of wine with dinner. My daughter has been watching her, and says that she learnt in school that alcohol is bad.

I really do not know how to approach this situation because I do not think it would be fair to ask her to not enjoy wine with her dinner, and at the same time I do not want my daughter to be upset. What do I do?

Sincerely,

I Don’t Know

Dear I Don’t Know,

When it comes to single parents being involved in romantic relationships it is very important that you not only choose appropriate partners, but that you also navigate the relationship with delicacy.

Consideration must be given to both your partner and your child(ren) if you are to have any hopes of a successful long-term romance.

In your situation, you must understand that children do not think as adults. Their world is very cut and dry. It is that something is either good or bad, right or wrong, true or not true, up or down. If they are taught that something is bad they will believe it and will find it difficult to make any allowances for it. Most do not yet have the skills to think things through in a critical manner.

As a result, your daughter thinks that the glass or two of wine that she sees your girlfriend drinking is just simply horrible and wrong and she believes this with all her heart.

It will be difficult for you to explain things to her in a rational manner so you may need to take a different approach. You can ask that your girlfriend limit her drinking around your daughter — which is probably a good idea anyway — and try to help your daughter to personally identify with the issue in hopes of getting an emotional response that will work favourably for everyone.

Children are very emotionally driven so appealing to that side of her should help. Everyone has behaviours that are unhealthy or are a little bit naughty, so to help her understand you have to show her hers.

Because children are very oral-driven and drinking alcohol involves oral behaviour, choose, as an example, a snack or food that she loves — ice cream, cupcakes, or her favourite candy. Point out to her that her favourite treat is unhealthy or a little naughty but that daddy lets her have it and it is OK, as long as she does not have too much of it.

The goal here is to teach character-building in the form of acceptance and tolerance by fostering empathy. If your daughter can make an emotional connection through empathy, it will allow her to be more compassionate with her convictions.

So instead of her feeling that she does not like your girlfriend who is bad because she drinks, she will begin to see things as not so horrible; your girlfriend having a treat does not make her a bad person just as your daughter eating her favourite snack does not make her a bad person.

Showing someone their weaknesses helps them identify with the weaknesses in others.

The result is usually acceptance and tolerance, both of which are paramount to ensuring that a good relationship develops between your daughter and your girlfriend. This should make your relationship go a lot smoother in the future.

Dear Dr Nekia,

Is it true that sex can bring on a woman’s period? My girlfriend said that I do that for her whenever she is late, but I don’t know if I believe it though.

Sincerely,

Did I Do That?

Dear Did I Do That,

Yes this is true. Sex can stimulate the pelvic and lower abdominal cavity which can in turn stimulate the uterus to contract. These contractions will start the process of the menstrual flow.

In essence your girlfriend’s body has built up the uterine lining, but is slow to provide her body with the contractions necessary for the lining to shed. You provide this for her.

Congratulations stud, you are her medicine in more ways than one.

•Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com