Elbows off the table. Mouth closed when you’re chewing, please. Your fork is not a shovel. What’s the magic word? Elbows OFF the table!’

The soundtrack to many mealtimes with my eight-year-old: an endless, nagging stream of dos and don’ts. I am simply endeavouring to pass down the manners drilled into me as a child, although as I remember, with far more ease. Perhaps it’s a boy thing. Will he ever build a working relationship with cutlery?

Attitudes to manners, table or otherwise, are shifting though. I keep a copy of Emily Post’s Etiquette, first published in 1922, on a table in the “powder room” as a touch of irony. It makes for sensational reading detailing formalities and correct procedure with subheadings like: Folding A Letter, Clothes For A Woman On A Cruise, The Code Of A Gentleman and The Great American Rudeness.

Gone are the days of visiting cards and tea-gowns. These days, holding a door for a woman might get a man a punch in the nose from certain feminists. Societal expectations have changed even since I was a child. Friends’ parents and other adults were always Mrs So-and-so or Aunty This, and it was still hinted at that “children should be seen and not heard”. Most kids I know nowadays are on a first-name basis with the grown-ups they know, and actively taught to speak up for themselves.

Should I be making such a big deal about the manners I do still expect from my child?

Maybe it’s all just outdated and redundant.

I’ll admit though, I do notice when manners are absent. I’ve been aghast by a dinner date attacking his meal like it was running away. And revolted by public displays of hygiene. And secretly shocked by a chap who barged through a door in front of me.

Am I just being oversensitive or judgy? Are manners important? If so, which ones?

I once dated a man with the most impeccable manners; right down to standing at the table every time I got up or sat down. So genteel, I had never been in such elegant company. But despite all the politeness, he turned out to be rather a jerk. My finding was, manners did not maketh that particular fellow.

Perhaps what “maketh” us is less about abiding to some formal etiquette and more about focusing on the manner in which we do the things we do. What is our emphasis? What do we care about? What are we most valuing in any situation?

At my dinner table, is it really societal rules and the judgment of others that I most value?

No. It’s kindness, respectful consideration, contribution and good time well spent with my family that is most important to me. So perhaps I need to emphasise more dining in this manner instead … albeit preferably with elbows off the table! Or, as Emily Post puts it: “Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use.”

• Julia Pitt is a trained success coach and certified NLP practitioner on the team at Benedict Associates. For further information contact Julia on 705-7488, or visit www.juliapitt coaching.com