Have you seen the movie When Harry Met Sally? I’m an “on-the-side” girl, too: a high-maintenance orderer, usually requesting something special from a menu to get it just the way I want it.

Yet, as happy as I am asking for things in a restaurant, that ability has often evaded me in more important areas of life.

How many times have I gone along with something just because that’s what was on offer, accepted things I didn’t particularly want (or want at all), just because I didn’t feel I could ask differently?

I’m not just referring to circumstances — a job, a mandatory course, a requirement; sometimes we need to make compromises, take temporary measures and work with what’s available.

What I mean is the way I have sometimes let others treat me, or undesirable situations I have allowed by not otherwise asserting myself.

It’s whenever we agree to, or passively allow, something we don’t enjoy because we assume it’s expected or the way it has to be; whenever we permit someone to treat us or speak to us (or about what we care about) in a derogatory way for fear it would be rude to challenge them.

Clients regularly share issues arising from not voicing what they want or need.

An example: someone after ten years of marriage with financial concerns “didn’t like to ask” questions of their partner, who handles the money.

Or someone reluctantly quitting their job because they felt so opposed to a boss’s management style but “didn’t want to make waves in the company” to address it.

We allow ourselves to suffer, putting the needs or feelings of others first. And not as an altruistic, charitable sacrifice — that would feel quite different.

We allow it because we’re too afraid to speak up and ask for what we want.

The identifier is the seed of resentment that starts growing as we let our personal boundaries be breached and our own values and needs be sidelined.

We might excuse it as being easy-going or even nice. No doubt, as children, this behaviour served us well: we might have been called “good boy” or “good girl” for conceding to others or for going with the flow. Those old qualifiers may still linger in our psyche.

Or maybe we just don’t feel worthy or deserving enough to have our needs met.

Would you expect anyone else to experience hurt or discomfort or give up their values to placate someone else? Wouldn’t you urge them to speak up and ask for what they need? Why not you?

It can feel scary asking for what we want. We all fear rejection to some degree and most naturally shy from conflict.

Asserting ourselves is stepping into the unknown, opening a channel to someone else’s response or reaction.

There are ways to do this that are less challenging and confrontational than others that can still get us the satisfaction we seek. Next week, I’ll be sharing tools and techniques for speaking up for ourselves — placing our requests so that we’re not left “on the side”.

• Julia Pitt is a trained success coach and certified NLP practitioner on the team at Benedict Associates. For further information contact Julia on 705-7488, www.juliapittcoaching.com