Dear Dr Nekia,

I consider myself to be a rather spiritual person, but I find that I struggle with sexual desires. I know that it is wrong to have sex outside of marriage but I just can’t help but to want to. And the more I try not to even think about it, the more I fail. Why is it that just about everything else in my life seems to be going so well yet I keep struggling with this?

Sincerely,

Confessed Fornicator

Dear Confessed Fornicator,

Many people experience a tug-of-war of sorts between sexuality and spirituality, and this is primarily because the two powerful forces seem to be opposing to one another. Since you state as fact that sex outside of marriage is wrong, I will address your question with that in mind. Before the establishment of most major modern religions, sexuality and spirituality were one in the same.

Many spiritual belief systems used sex as a way to advance spirituality. This may sound a bit farfetched or confusing, but sex was recognised as a beautifully powerful force; the gateway between the spirit, or unmanifested world, and the physical, manifested world.

This is because it was through sex that the next generation of humans, animals and other beings came to have life. Sex was also revered as a powerful healing tool. There is so much fear, violence, guilt and negativity surrounding sex today that many of us view it as nothing more than a fleeting fancy of carnal lust. When viewed this way it is so very easy to pit sexual pleasure against spiritual honour.

The problem lies not in the battle of the two, but in the view of sex which causes there to be a battle in the first place. I’m sure that you can understand that a topic such as this is far too vast to do it any justice in a format such as this, however what you should take away from this is that no matter your chosen spiritual path or religion, you have got to make it personal to you.

Study the laws and allowances regarding sex and adapt them to fit your personal life; the road of spirituality is a very personal one. From there, you can begin to pay attention to your body and its urges. When do you have your sexual urges? What time of day or night? Are you stressed? Are you lonely? Are you bored? Etc.

By paying attention to the nature of your urges, you can understand why they occur and gain some direction on how to tame them. You mentioned that the more you try to ignore your sexual desires, the more powerful they appear to be. This is because you are fighting against a part of yourself. The urge or desire for sex is very strong for humans, almost as strong as the urge for food and water. Your desires do not make you a bad person or a weak soul, they make you human.

Unless they’re perverse in nature or you are harming yourself or others, you are perfectly normal. Do not allow guilt to cloud your judgment because focusing on this guilt will, ironically, strengthen your sexual urges. Focus instead on understanding your sexual self. You may feel lost in doing this so if need be, seek the professional help of a counsellor who also has a strong spiritual base.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I am dating a guy who is just not satisfying me in the bedroom. Everything else is going great between us but not so much in this department. It is his size that is the problem. I haven’t said anything to him because I figure he can’t change what he was born with. I used to fake it, but I am so tired of that now.

He is beginning to question why I do not want to have sex as often as I used to. How do I let him know that he is just too small for me?

Sincerely,

He’s Too Small

Dear He’s Too Small,

Many women face the challenge of finding sexual satisfaction with partners who they feel are too small for them. The last thing that you want to do is fake sexual satisfaction.

I understand that many women do not want to hurt our partner’s feelings, but faking truly does nothing positive for your long-term relationship and sex life. Furthermore, even though you are trying to protect his manhood, it is very insulting to your man. When you fake orgasm you not only rob yourself of an enjoyable experience but you also teach your man that what he is doing is pleasing to you.

As a result, he will continue to do the very things that you find unfulfilling. Most men like to know that they are performing at their best, especially if they care about their woman. I would advise that you sit down and have an honest conversation with him. Explain why you have kept your true feelings from him for so long. There is not much you can do to avoid his reaction to your dishonesty at this point, but you can do your best to make him avoid feeling like a fool.

It is common for couples to struggle with sexual honesty but if you cannot be honest with him or her, then who can you truly be honest with? Relationships need honesty to work. If not, the results of the dishonesty will spill over into nonsexual areas and before you know it, your entire relationship will be disintegrating. Lastly, even though you are correct that he cannot change what he was born with, once you have been honest, you can explore different sexual positions that contract the vagina and other sexual activities that can bring you both pleasure. Contrary to popular belief, size of genital anatomy does not have to permanently hinder the sexual fulfilment of couples. Almost every sexual issue that a couple faces has a remedy. We all are built with different anatomies and chances are that we will not all sync up perfectly but the best way to move forward from this is to come clean.

Dear Dr Nekia,

People seem to put a lot of hype into having sex during storms and hurricanes, why? I mean, I am usually working, asleep or busy keeping vigilant to make sure that everything is OK. I just don’t understand why so many people get worked up and turned on by bad weather. Do they just need something to do?

Sincerely,

Bad Weather Sex

Dear Bad Weather Sex,

Storms bring with them a variety of moods just as they bring turbulent weather. When it comes to romantic moods, many people do find that storms are the perfect catalyst. One theory is that the stirring motion of the winds brings about a stirring motion within the body which leads to elevated sexual desires. Another theory is that people react to the calming effects of rain. Water seems to soothe people, while its slippery wetness mimics the lubrication involved in sex and therefore has a quality of excitement. There is also a theory that because we live such busy lives, hurricanes and storms force us to slow down. It is in this time of slowing down that we get in touch with our inner desires. Some call this boredom, others are seeking an outlet of energy while being confined indoors. I think that it is a combination of both.

Each of us has our own motivations and our own reactions to stormy weather, and it can be sometimes difficult to understand others who do not react in the same way that we do. Nevertheless, we do see an increase in sexual activity during unsettled weather. If sex is not something that you care to indulge in at this time, it is OK. Listen to your body and its own wants and needs and do not be too concerned with the affairs of others.

• Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com