Dear Dr Nekia,

How do you tell someone that you love them, when you really don’t think that they love you back? I’ve been seeing someone for a couple of months now and I am already in love with him, but I am pretty sure that he does not feel the same way about me. We have not discussed it or have even brought it up in conversation, but we really are not in a committed relationship either. I have strong feelings for him and I want to express them to him without scaring him off. Do you think that it is too soon?

Sincerely,

I Love You

Dear I Love You,

First of all, there is no scheduled time of when it is OK or not OK to express your feelings for someone to that person. The context or nature of the relationship and the situations involved within the relationship are what determine if and how well expressions of love will be received.

You have been dating someone for a couple of months now, and the relationship has not progressed into one of commitment. This is fine if you are both taking your time getting to know one another, but at this stage you will want to be sure of two things before you go professing your love. One, that you will want to make sure that you are both aware of the nature of the relationship. This is not to say that you both have to be on the same page necessarily, but for your protection you will at least want to have a realistic view of where you stand now and any future possibilities.

Secondly, you will want to make sure that what you are feeling is indeed love. For instance, you may say that you think about him or her all the time so it must be love, you would do anything for him or her so it must be love, or that you see more in them than they see in themselves so it must be love. None of this is love. These thoughts do exist in the presence of love, but they in and of themselves are not love. What would be indicated here is your perception of your enjoyment of the person. In fact, these are the signs that you are developing an attachment to the person rather than love. Yes, attachment is a very natural progression of human connection that can blossom into love but be sure of your feelings before you profess your love. It will save you both a lot of emotional stress in the long run. If you are sure that you are in love, well tell them. Think of a creative way that will be meaningful to both of you.

Choosing to express your love for the first time while participating in an activity, event, setting, hobby, etc that you both enjoy will make this moment not only more comfortable, but also very memorable. Do not go into it being too nervous about it, because you should not expect anything in return. Your lover may need more time than you to tap into his or her feelings, or they may never reach that point with you. The thing about expressing love is that it benefits the giver and the receiver whether the sentiment is returned or not. You will feel good expressing love and he or she will receive that positive exchange whether they are open to it or not.

The vulnerability that you are feeling comes along with the territory. Just know that if the person decides to walk away from you, that it has very little to do with the fact that you expressed your love.

Reality is that they may not be in an emotional or mental place to be able to accept love, or they may know that they do not feel the same for you and fear the expectations or obligations that come along with someone who loves them.

In any case, you have to make your expression of love more about you and your wanting to share it rather than having it be about an particular outcome that you may want or be looking for.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I am willing to do, and have done, a threesome with my wife and another man, but she is not willing to do one with me and another woman. We never really talked about the expectation of her returning the favour, so she thinks that I have no reason to get upset about her unwillingness. Isn’t this just selfish of her? To tell you the truth I’m annoyed, and I feel like she is just not willing to please me and make me happy as much as I am willing to please her. I hear men talking all the time how their women are not willing to go the extra mile to please them sexually and I don’t understand why. It’s not fair really.

Sincerely,

Threesome Annoyed Me

Dear Threesome

Annoyed Me,

At this point, I would ask myself why I’d agreed to having a threesome with my wife and another man. Was it really all about pleasing her, or did you do it with the expectation that you would ultimately get what you really wanted, a threesome with another woman? It may be that you did it for a little bit of both, but where you went wrong is twofold. One, you did not discuss things enough beforehand and two, let’s be honest, you expected her “to return the favour”, as you say. When you invite others into the bedroom, it has to be 100 per cent about the enjoyment of both partners or 100 per cent about allowing your partner to receive pleasure from someone other than yourself.

When it is approached this way, there is very little room for jealousy or aggravation from not getting what you want in return.

But what really bothers me is that you have reduced what could be a very intimate and enjoyable experience down to a sexual favour of some sort. It is my guess that either your wife is not open to sharing you, is not open to having sexual encounters with women, or is simply picking up on your urgency regarding the matter.

If it is that she is picking up on your urgency, much like I am, then understand that this can make her very uncomfortable and less likely to agree to the experience. Whether it be a threesome with another man or with another woman, your wife needs to feel safe and secure in the experience as well as in her one-on-one relationship with you. In addition, by you saying that she is not as willing to please you and make you happy, realise that you are insinuating that you are not completely happy with her or you are not completely happy with the sexual relationship that you have within your marriage.

It may be that you just want to spice things up a bit, but if you tell her that you do not feel like she is willing to go the distance to satisfy you, you are indirectly telling her that she is not enough.

Think about this for long moment. Worse is that you make it seem as though her unwillingness is evidence of a greater problem that women have with their sexuality. So in these statements you not only have questioned her dedication to your happiness, but also her ability to sexually please you as well as her general ability as a woman to want to please you. You have basically attacked your wife’s womanhood on multiple levels.

Now this all may not be your intent and she may very well just want to be selfish, but what I want you to understand here is that your tone and how you approach this situation could make all the difference in the world when it comes to getting what you want. If I were to simply go by the tone of your writing, I would, as a woman, have my defences up should I have been already unsure about whether or not to grant you your experience.

Try to give this some more thought, and be genuine about your intentions so that you can better handle the situation to favour you in the outcome.

But if you really do feel that it is about a return of favour etc, then I would suggest that you and your wife refrain from inviting anyone else into the bedroom and return instead to focusing on building intimacy one-on-one.

Threesomes should never be a remedy for spicing things up, and sexual encounters should never be forced or manipulated so if you have to resort to this, then you simply are not respecting your partner and it is not worth it in the long run. Again I would suggest that you work on the one-on-one connection that you and your wife share before inviting anyone else in to your intimate space. Dear Dr Nekia,

I think that I am addicted to sex. Not sex in general, just sex with my boyfriend. I get a high whenever we have sex and I find myself craving him throughout the day. Is this normal, and if not, what can I do about it?

Sincerely,

Addicted To Him

Dear Addicted To Him,

Feeling a sense of euphoria from having sex with someone is very normal. In fact, it is this euphoria that lasts far longer than the actual physical act that prolongs the pleasure of sex. Some people report feeling this for hours after physical contact has ended, and others say that they can obtain this feeling just by simply thinking about their lover. I am very cautious about using the word addiction unless it involves unhealthy impulses and harmful life-interrupting risky behaviours.

You have not given me any indication that you are harming yourself or him or anyone else, nor have you said that it is causing problems in your daily life, so I will assume that you are not addicted.

You are instead experiencing a strong pull to this person. Your connection with him is most likely chemically based and being with him sends a bunch of feel-good hormones through your body — sort of like cake or chocolate.

It is no secret that many people feel a sense of euphoria when indulging in their favourite foods and it is this feeling that keeps us going back for more. Sex with a lover can be the same way. As long as you are both enjoying these experiences I really do not see the problem. Take the necessary precautions where you need to take precautions and enjoy the ride. Come up for a breather every now and then so that you do not burn out or grow tired of one another, but do not question things so much that it begins to take away from the joy of having one another.