Dear Dr. Nekia,

I’m dating someone who does not like to talk about their past. I am interested in things because I want to get to know her better but she says that the past doesn’t matter. I am open with her about my past relationships and I can not understand why she is not forthcoming with hers. She says that it is enough that we are now together so let the past be the past. Isn’t this something that I should be concerned about?

Sincerely,

Secret Past

Dear Secret Past,

It is important for people to realise that a person’s past can tell you a lot about them. This does not mean that you should judge anyone by their past or that you should develop expectations of a relationship based upon it, but that you should take information about a person’s past to form a guide that will enable you to get a better picture of who you are dealing with.

When someone decides to keep their past hidden, you are faced with a person who is a bit of an incomplete puzzle. It is impossible to know every detail about your lover, but you should have a decent grasp on the whos, whys, hows, wheres, and whens of who they came to be today. It may be that she does not want to remember things from her past and it may be that there is some shame or guilt involved but, whatever her reasons for keeping her past hidden from you, you must ask yourself: how important is this information to you?

If it is that it is important for you to know about her past, you must realise that there is nothing that you can do to force her to share it with you, and you must also come to realise that you should not want to force anyone to share themselves with you. I get that you feel a bit uneasy, suspicious, or detached because she is in essence putting up a wall between you. By denying you access to her past, she is setting a clear boundary that lets you know that you are not invited into that part of her life.

I know that sometimes, when we do not think that something that is important to our lovers is really a big deal, it takes a lot for us to look beyond our own beliefs and feelings to embrace their wants and needs. But that is exactly what we must do. And I know that sharing intimate details about ourselves and our past is scary at times, but we must face all fears of rejection, judgment, and vulnerability if we ever truly hope to truly connect with someone and have them love and accept us for who we are.

You see, so many of us want unconditional love and acceptance, but we are not willing to bare our soul to get it. This leads me to ask: if we are not willing to allow our lover to see, experience, and know who we truly are — every bit of us — then how is it that they can ever really truly love us? This is a question that you should pose to her. Ask her how is it that you are expected to really appreciate her for being the woman she is, if she is not willing to let you see the woman she is.

Let her know that a big part of understanding someone is to learn about what events have occurred that brought them to the place they are at today. Past experiences heavily influence personality and behaviour, so if your lover is not willing to share their past with you, you can take that as a sign that they are not yet ready to close the safe distance that they have set up between you.

Secrets keep a safety zone between people when someone is trying to avoid judgment, shame, or vulnerability; but you will not want to push too hard because she could end up convincing herself that you are pushy and overbearing which will cause her to resent you for it.

Try to encourage gradual steps and take the lead by sharing detailed stories of your past. Look for signs of her becoming uncomfortable and then share a physical gesture of affection such as a kiss on the forehead or a hug. Over time she will begin to associate her being uncomfortable with you providing affection and eventually she will equate her fears with your acceptance. At this point, since she is so unwilling to share information with you, gently opening up the discussion of the past is far better than coming right out and asking her directly. Just remember that, in the end, if she doesn’t want to share parts of her life with you, she won’t. You may have to accept this and make your decision from there.

Dear Nekia,

I have been happily married for six years and I have always thought that my husband was the love of my life. However, recently I am beginning to question things. There is a void there that I can no longer deny. He is a wonderful husband and we do not have any major issues. It’s just me. I feel like there is something missing. Our finances are great, our sex life is great, we take vacations together, and we have a beautiful family. Yet I feel empty. Like there is no passion, no sparks. And I find myself fantasising about a more exciting relationship. Am I crazy?

Sincerely,

Secure But Not Happy

Dear Secure But Not Happy,

When we are single and we project our thoughts to the future, we imagine a time when we would be happily married and secure. We visualise how good life would be if only we could just find the love of our lives, or if only we could just settle down in a career and family life.

However, these are usually lofty fantasies that bring about unrealistic expectations. This is not to say that you can not have security in your career and love in your home, you should expect the very best of what you want out of life; but what I am saying is that the expectation that these things will make you happy is unrealistic.

Let me explain. When we begin to look at circumstances, people, places, and things as being what determines our happiness, we set ourselves up for failure. You see none of these things is constant, and none of them is guaranteed. So when you look towards these things to be happy or feel complete, then you are gambling your wellbeing on temporary and uncertain conditions. Sure, changes in circumstances, other people, environment, and possessions make life more enjoyable, but they are just tools. Think of them as being spices. Spices enhance a meal but they are not the meal that will fill you and bring nutrition to your body. True food for the soul and real happiness come from within. It is my guess that others looking in would think that you have a picture perfect life and that you should not complain about anything, but it is very difficult for people to see the voids that do exist in people even when they seemingly have it all. So now, because you point out that so many other areas of your marriage, career, and home life are going so well for you, I would lean more towards paying attention to you and your internal desires. What is it that you are missing? What is it that you have been denying yourself for so long? And what is it that you have kept buried and hidden convincing yourself that it was not important?

It is very possible for you to have a solid marital life without having a solid marriage. This is something that many people do not understand. It is one thing to have a well functioning day-to-day marriage where you and your spouse live and work lovingly together without any major hiccups. This is a solid marital life. And it is a whole other thing to have an intimate connection where you and your spouse are as one, each being fulfilled and happy. This is a solid marriage. One requires harmony in daily duty while the other requires harmony in heart. In your case, there is definitely some disconnection of heart, and no you are not crazy or greedy or insatiable or any of those things. It may be that you have become bored with the routine of it all, or that you have become comfortable in the safety and security of your relationship. But whatever it is, please know that no amount of sparks or passion will fill an internal void, if you are not open to allowing that void to be filled. Love is a great healer, but in order for this to happen we have to be willing to allow it to. And the truth is that voids usually develop from things, our wants, or our needs that we want to deny even exists.

Do a bit of soul searching and try to figure out exactly what it is that you are in need of because the last thing you want to do is use passion to try to heal a void that maybe needs a different kind of medicine.

Passion is wonderful and it feels oh so good, but passion is also often the spark that people turn to when really what they are in need of is a constant warming flame. Once you have figured out what it is that is missing, you will know what wants and needs are going unfulfilled. At this point talk to your husband about it. Give him a chance to be a part of making things right.

If it is just that your marriage lacks excitement, which is often the case, then you can move forward into coming up with ideas that will light the fire for both of you.

Should you need help sorting through your thoughts and feelings, do not be afraid to write things down and also to seek outside help. The good news is that you have finally reached a place where you are willing to seek out what is missing, and once you find this, whatever it is, you can work towards having it.