Dear Dr Nekia,

My man is very close with his daughter’s mom. I don’t mind that they are friends and I don’t want to be jealous but I just don’t feel comfortable with certain things.

She is single and they go to lunch together; she calls him to come help her with things around her house, and they text one another every day. None of these things has anything to do with their daughter and I am feeling insecure because I have heard that she has made comments about wanting him back. I hate feeling this way. Am I being paranoid? Maybe I am just used to broken-up parents not getting along so well.

Sincerely,

Baby Mama Is Too Close

Dear Baby Mama Is Too Close,

A partner’s relationship with the co-parent of their child/ren can be a lot to swallow, but it also can be an asset to everyone involved.

First, you will want to find out exactly where their friendship stands. If his daughter’s mom does have intentions of winning him back, it will be important to make sure that your partner refrains from certain behaviours and establishes clear boundaries with her. He should be cognisant not to let any flirting or overstepping of boundaries go unchecked.

It is easy for people to brush off inappropriate advances if they feel they have control of the situation, but these advances should never be ignored. He should send clear messages that things will not escalate beyond innocent friendship and mutual respect; this is especially true here because a child is involved.

Additionally, you will want to discuss your uneasiness with your man. I find that women tend to be shy about voicing their insecurities because they want to appear secure and avoid rocking the boat.

In relationships, it is perfectly normal to feel insecure at some time or another. Our ability to share our insecurities and work through them with our partner is what helps to build healthy, trustworthy relationships. But before having this discussion, try to pinpoint exactly what bothers you about their friendship.

Is it that they speak too often? Is it that you do not like them having lunch together? Or is it that you feel that they should not have anything to communicate about outside of topics that centre around their daughter? Answering these questions will allow you to determine if you are feeling uneasy because you sense that there may be too much friendly association, or if it is because you want him to be as distant as possible from his daughter’s mom.

It is true that because bad break-ups are so common we expect little to no contact between parents, but a healthy friendship is really the ideal. Nevertheless, boundaries may be needed in order for you to feel secure and to prevent future issues.

Decide upon boundaries with your man, instead of dictating them to him. Also, if it is found that his daughter’s mom is not trying to win him back, consider developing your own friendship with her.

This will create a level of trust and loyalty and also encourage relationships between the adults that will be beneficial to the child.

Dear Dr Nekia,

My girl and I just moved in together and we are having problems already. She has this dog that is coming between us.

For three months now I have noticed that she pays more attention to him than she does me.

It’s not that I am not a dog person, but she literally puts the dog before me.

She allows him to sleep in the bed between us and greets him when she comes home before she even acknowledges me.

Most recently, she did not pick up something from the store that I asked for because she said she didn’t have enough cash on her, but yet she bought dog treats.

It turned into a big fight where she accused me of not liking her dog.

I know people treat their pets like they are their children, but am I wrong for feeling like she cares about this dog more than me?

Sincerely,

Cares About The Dog More

Dear Cares About The Dog More,

The truth can sometimes be a hard pill to swallow. When we don’t want to admit to certain feelings or behaviours, it’s often easier to accuse others of fault.

Unless you have shown prior signs of discontent, this is why you received the blameful response of simply not liking her dog. The truth is that she has developed an attachment to her dog that is naturally easier for her to express. This does not mean that she does not care for you, but that her connection with her pet is a central part of her life.

It does, however, seem that she makes choices that cause her to put the dog’s wellbeing before your own. The fact that she chose to purchase dog treats rather than fulfilling your shopping request is evidence of this. People who are distrusting of others find it easier to put their affections and desires and need for companionship in a pet, whom they see as being loyal. It may be that your girl has an issue in trusting human relationships. She will have to realise that it is not normal or healthy for her connection with her dog to come between her relationship with her man. She will have to learn how to shift focus a bit, and will have to unlearn the pet-owner habits that she has developed so that she can enjoy a connection with her dog while also enjoying intimacy with you.

Several changes will need to be made. Among them is that the dog should not be allowed to sleep in between the two of you.

Intimacy during sleep and rest is very important for couples, and when we allow children and pets to interrupt this time of bonding, it can begin to disappear from other areas of our relationship. Sometimes we avoid true intimacy with our partners by wilfully focusing on other connections, relationships and priorities.

Whether this is true for your girl or not, if you want for your relationship to last, you definitely need to make steps towards getting her to see the importance of putting you first in her life. This, of course, will need to begin with her seeing that her actions are hurting you and harming your relationship. Try your best to communicate this to her. If she remains argumentative regarding the issue, you may need a mediator to intervene.

•Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com