Dear Dr Nekia,

It’s Christmas season and there are a lot of parties going on. It is like my girl has changed into a completely different person. She never really goes anywhere and says this year her sister is taking her out with her. I told her I don’t like this new person she is becoming and that her sister is a bad influence. She says she hasn’t changed. I don’t know what to do. I really like her but am not into bar girls.

Sincerely,

She’s Changing

Dear She’s Changing,

First I would ask is she really changing. Then I would ask if you truly like her, or the idea of who you think that she is. In regards to the first question, sometimes people have parts of themselves that they suppress, deny, or hide. For instance, we have character traits that surface depending on the situation we are in.

These are learnt traits for coping, and defences that we adopt as time goes on.

This is normal human behaviour but for people who have not been around us in a variety of environments, we can seem to be changing or fake.

Be sure you know her many sides before coming to the conclusion that you like who she is. It may be that she is not so much changing but is welcoming a much needed outlet. This is not to say that partying is the best outlet, but that she may need some fun in her life. I would talk to her and try to understand what she is feeling.

Outings can be a time to unwind and forget about responsibilities and stress.

Her character is not so much in question when it comes to whether or not she goes out, but what she does when she goes out.

Alcohol does not create a different person, it reveals inner thoughts, feelings and intentions because it lowers inhibitions.

Likewise, do not be too concerned about her sister being a bad influence.

Your girl is an adult and should be held accountable for her decisions. Telling her that her sister is a bad influence may make her feel as though you think she is gullible and easily persuaded.

You do not want this because it will push her away from you and more into the bars. Lastly, let’s remember that the holiday season is a time of year where some people do tend to drink and socialise more than other times of the year.

It’s festive and everyone is pleasant to everyone else and the allure of that can be attractive to someone who is otherwise a homebody.

Voice your concerns, give her some slack, try not to judge her and see how things go after the new year.

Dear Dr Nekia,

How do I learn to trust? I have been badly hurt and I recently met someone that I really like but I’m just so afraid of being hurt again.

One thing that I really like about this new guy is that I can actually have a conversation with him.

We seem to connect really well but I am just so stressed out about it because I really do not want to go through the hurt feelings again. I feel that I am ready to move on but am just so afraid of putting my all into someone and it not working out.

Sincerely,

Afraid To Love

Dear Afraid To Love,

I don’t think that you should concentrate so much on putting your all into someone; that will naturally happen as things progress.

Listen to your instincts but remain open to what is unfolding.

It is difficult to find a balance between being cautious and being available in love but it can be done.

Take every situation as it comes. Enjoy the moments that you both share and avoid punishing him for the mistakes of your former partner. Above all, trust yourself. Trust that you will make the best decision for yourself while reminding yourself that you do deserve to be happy. From a place of deserving you can come to the realisation that it is possible that someone can truly love you without intending to hurt you.

Of course, along with any relationship comes uncertainty and a level of hurt, but this is what makes relationships grow and what makes us appreciate the good times when they come. The best advice that I can give to you is just take your time and allow this man to reveal himself to you. Stay mindful of pushing him away, and remain open to the good that he brings into your life.

Do not allow another man’s mistakes to dictate your ability to find happiness in someone else. You are so stressed out over this situation because you are fighting with yourself and the emotions that are arising.

When doubt creeps in, try to quiet your mind by shifting focus from the negative that could possibly happen to the happiness that could possibly manifest. Living in fear is no way to live because as you try to block out hurt all you really do is fence yourself in, which prevents any good from reaching you.

The law of attraction states that what you most focus on is what you attract, so try your best to let go of fears because you will most likely attract the very thing you fear since you are trying so hard not to experience it.

There is no easy way to release fear.

But as long as you are willing to work at it, time and positive experiences will begin to replace the negative ones so that eventually you will be able to trust again.

•Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com