Dear Dr Nekia,

I believe I suffer from depression. I used to be married and was very happy till my ex ended our marriage. I didn’t think I would ever heal from the heartbreak, but I have and I have met someone new and have been dating and am more in love than I thought possible. We have a great relationship and have even discussed marriage, however he is not ready yet. But that’s all I think about morning, noon, and night. I Google rings, dresses, honeymoon places, etc. I don’t want to hear about anyone getting married or attend anyone’s wedding ceremony. I don’t feel jealous, because I have a great man; I just feel like why not me? When he knocks down talking about getting married I can be nasty and sometimes not nice to be around. I don’t want to be like that but it happens a lot when marriage comes up. It’s to the point I’m having headaches over this. I don’t know why I can’t get being married out of my head. Please help me.

Sincerely,

Would Be Married Tomorrow

Dear Would Be Married Tomorrow,

The good news is that, from what you are describing, you do not suffer from depression. Your reactions point more towards an anxiety issue that has an obsessive component to it. More good news is that you are not abnormal. People tend to work themselves up and get fixated on what they really want, especially when they are not getting what they want. This happens a lot in the areas of money, religion, having a baby and yes, marriage. It often shows up in the areas that we decide are important to ourselves in order to have a happy life. Ironically, our obsession with what we see to be the source of our happiness sometimes is what can reveal the ugly side of ourselves. We tell ourselves things like: if only I had more money, or if only I had a baby, or if only I could just get married I would be happy. None of this is reality, of course. Whenever we look to situations or things to make us happy, the feeling is often short-lived. Yes, what we want can bring some happiness to us, but we cannot fill an internal void with external sources. My guess is that your divorce left you with a great sense of loss. I would also say that even though you got over those hurt feelings you did not fully heal and that since you have found love again, you want to fill that void with being married to the man you are with now. This could be because you were so very happy in your first marriage, you now equate marriage with happiness. The bad news is that there is nothing you can say or do to make your man ready for marriage. You can, however, discuss why he is not ready. Listen to him and try to understand him. If you find that no matter what his reasons are, you get upset because you want what you want, then you most definitely need to take a step back. This is because if this is true, he is not the problem, you are. You are allowing your deep desires to consume you and take over your life. For instance, one sign of obsession and being consumed is when you no longer want to hear about or be around people who have what you want. Such feelings are normal, and can be beneficial to an extent and in certain situations, but not when it is causing more pain than it is providing space for reflection. More bad news is that if you continue down this path, you are in danger of losing this wonderful man who you say is so very important to you. However, none of this is really bad news if you just shift gears a bit to allow yourself and your relationship the chance to develop more. Happiness is not a destination, but rather happiness is the journey. I would suggest that you seek a bit of counselling if you are finding it difficult to focus on anything other than marriage or if this situation is causing you to become increasingly agitated. Reason being is that you may need help to pull back from being consumed by your desire, and you may also benefit from learning coping skills for anxiety. It is OK to want what we want when we want it and with whom we want it, but it is not OK to act out and force what we want onto others; especially not those who we say that we love.

Dear Dr Nekia,

Is it possible to feel like you are pregnant without actually being pregnant? I have been having the classic signs of pregnancy and have even missed my period but the doctor says that I am definitely not pregnant. My guy is becoming a bit annoyed with me and I think he is beginning to think that I am mentally unstable. I don’t know how to explain what I feel to him without him getting upset or looking at me funny.

Sincerely,

Pregnant, But Not Really

Dear Pregnant, But Not Really,

What you are describing is not only possible, but it is more common than you might think. I am not a medical doctor, so you may want to research for yourself or discuss with your gynecologist the possibility of it being a phantom pregnancy. Phantom or ghost pregnancies occur when women physically experience the signs of pregnancy but there is no actual baby. This is often confirmed via ultra sound. Sometimes an image can be seen in the abdominal cavity, but there will definitely be no baby. Such pregnancies range from the woman experiencing mild, short-lived symptoms to actually missing her period, gaining weight and experiencing labour pains. She experiences the entire pregnancy cycle but of course, there is no baby. It was traditionally thought that this could have been caused by such things as spiritual possession, hormonal imbalances or psychological disorders. Of course, medical science would rule out spiritual possession. From a psychological point of view, causes of phantom pregnancies stem from unfulfilled subconscious desires, great loss, trauma and pretty much anything else that can lead to a psychosomatic syndrome. Nevertheless, be sure to get a thorough and complete examination and do not get discouraged should your doctor think it unnecessary and odd. As for your guy, it may be hard for him to process the situation, especially if he is someone who tends to colour in the lines and think inside the box. We have been taught that sex plus pregnancy equals baby. Most of us have never been taught that there are other possibilities, such as teratogenic tumours and phantom pregnancies. It may help if you gather some information on the subject and go over it with him or allow him to read it on his own before discussing it further. It all depends on your guy’s personality. However, if he is already upset by the situation, it may be best to first gather the information and give it to him so that he can process it when he is ready. Another option would be to have your doctor introduce him to the subject, but this would require your doctor to be familiar with the phantom pregnancies. Sadly, many are not and this causes them to reject the phenomenon completely. Ideally, you will want to have medical and psychological guidance during this time. I would, however, stay clear of any antipsychotic or hormone-regulating medicines unless diagnostic tests and a clear diagnosis is given to you. Sometimes, it is much easier for healthcare providers to treat the symptoms to get rid of what they see as a problem instead of treating the cause itself. This is especially true when they do not know the cause so be proactive when it comes to your own body. Whether or not you are experiencing a phantom pregnancy, you are going to need both professional and non-professional support, and because it can be very confusing and physically as well as mentally upsetting to go through what you have described, you should also try to educate loved ones about your condition so that you will have a great support system.