Dear Dr Nekia,

My best friend has had a crush on this guy for over two years. The same guy she is crushing on expressed interest in me over a year ago. I told him that it wouldn’t be possible to pursue anything more because of my friend’s feelings for him. Now, fast forward a year later, we are having small talk. Simple “hellos” and “how is your day?” This alone is enough to ruin my friendship with my friend because I think she is now overly infatuated with him. We’re all grown adults, and I would like to maybe take the leap of faith with this guy and see where things go. He has asked me out on multiple occasions, but I have turned him down each and every time. I am very interested but I don’t want to ruin my relationship with my friend. Do you think this is wrong? What is the best advice you can give me on this situation? My friendship means everything!

Sincerely,

Choosing Between The Two

Dear Choosing Between The Two,

It is never an easy situation when you know that pursuing someone you are interested in could possibly ruin a friendship that means so much to you. You have to ask yourself if you are willing to sacrifice an already established and meaningful friendship for the possibility of having a relationship. In an ideal world, you would be able to go to your friend and tell her that you and this guy are interested in one another. She would be hurt but your friendship would not be in jeopardy and she would wish you both well because she would want you to be happy and would realise that it is no one’s fault that he’s not attracted to her.

However, whether you are grown adults or not, chances are that this is not how it will all go down. Women tend to become territorial of their crushes and many institute a girl code which states that no matter what, friends are not supposed to go after a guy if they were interested in him first. This whole situation might have been a bit easier if you had told her about his advances a year ago. Friendship is not just about loyalty but about open honesty. If you started dating him and your friend found out not just that but also that you have kept it a secret that he was interested in you all along, she will feel double the betrayal. She also may feel a bit stupid in that you allowed her to continuously gush over this guy while you knew that he preferred you. Sadly, your friend may never trust you again. I am all for seeing where love interests go, because you never know who Mr or Mrs Right may be, but you have definitely gotten yourself in a situation here. I am curious to know what has made you want to see where things go with him. If you have been loyal to your friend all of this time, why the change in heart? There is no easy solution to your problem. It is either you are going to decide not to take things any further with this guy, or you are going to hurt your friend. Only you can make this decision. If I were you, I would weigh my choices very carefully because you do not want to end up having things not work out with him and losing a good friend. Should you decide to go ahead and start dating him, be very honest with your friend before this happens. Sit her down and explain how this all came about and why you would like to pursue something with the man that she has been crushing on for the past two years.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I’m in a long-term relationship with a wonderful man. He does everything right but I don’t think that he is the one. Any woman would be lucky to have him and I feel bad that I am not in love with him like I should be. He has begun to talk about marriage lately and when he does I feel very awkward. I think it’s just best to end things but I don’t know how and I really don’t want to hurt him. Should I tell him how I feel or should I just let things fade out?

Sincerely,

He’s Not The One

Dear He’s Not The One,

Your situation presents a reality that some don’t understand. So many people are in what I call ‘checklist’ relationships and marriages. This means that they are with someone because that person has a check mark next to a series of qualities and characteristics that they were looking for in a partner. Adding up all of these check marks equals someone whom they think to be a good man or a good woman. Many are tired of being alone, starting over, or afraid of taking the chance of not having anyone else come along, so they settle for the good man or good woman in their life.

While making a list of what you want in a partner is a good idea, simply going by this list leaves little room for chemistry and romance. Love is not just about morals and personality compatibility, it is also about an attraction or pull and a fire that burns between you. If you have been in a long-term relationship where you know something is missing or where you know that he is not the one, then the best thing to do is be honest with yourself and with your partner. It sounds as though he is ready to take things to the next step and if you are not, then you should have a talk with him before he moves forward with his intent to marry you.

It’s never easy to be honest when you know that you are going to hurt someone, but it is the best thing to do. Stringing someone along is never a good idea, nor is pulling away in hopes of things phasing out. Besides, since you are in a long-term committed relationship, I think he deserves a bit more respect than that.

I applaud you for realising that it is not enough to settle because a man is a good guy, especially since you believe in the idea that there is “the one” somewhere out there. Because you both deserve better, I hope that each of you can move on to find someone who will be a perfect fit to fill those shoes.

•Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com