Dear Dr Nekia,

Is sex during pregnancy safe? My girlfriend doesn’t want to have sex because she says that it is uncomfortable and unsafe, but I am not sure I can wait seven more months plus the six weeks for after the delivery. I’m beginning to see why a lot of guys I know cheat on their pregnant women, but I do not want to have to go that route.

Sincerely,

She’s Pregnant, I’m Horny

Dear She’s Pregnant, I’m Horny,

Some experts believe that it is only high-risk pregnancies that carry a risk of harming the mother or baby. Others believe that it depends on the trimester of pregnancy and others believe it should be avoided all together. Both the mother and father should be aware of the risk of introducing bacteria and disease into the vaginal canal, and thus the womb.

Additionally, as with women who are not pregnant, you should be aware that rough, or forceful, deep penetration and sexual positions that put pressure on the cervix can lead to lesions, bruising, ruptured blood vessels and cervical tissue erosion, none of which is healthy for mother or baby. Despite risks or benefits (some believe that the contractions that orgasm provides are very healthy for mommy and baby), if mommy is uncomfortable having sex during pregnancy she should be respected. Forced, or coerced sex at any point of a woman’s life, is psychologically harmful. The baby will pick up on her feelings of uneasiness and any stress — which can be presented as increased blood pressure, elevated cholesterol levels or depression — that mommy experiences. What is more important to you, fulfilling your sexual impulses or the health, happiness and wellbeing of your woman and child? Pregnancy is a time for men to be supportive and selfless, giving precedence to a greater sense of happiness over carnal desires.

Try refocusing your energies by creating intimacy in other ways. Think more of looking forward to fatherhood — what it means, what it requires. Pregnancy is a time of preparation for parenthood, not just for the mothers but very much so for the fathers who need to allow themselves that time to form a bond with the child. If mommy is feeling up to it, there are many sexual positions that will make sex during pregnancy comfortable and enjoyable.

Dear Dr Nekia,

My wife is not interested in sex with me. I say “with me” because she tells me that she enjoys sex, and I hear her talking about it with her friends. When I ask her why she does not show much interest in me she says that I do not make the effort to turn her on. I have tried some of the things that she says that she likes, but I do not feel excitement and desire from her. She never initiates sex. I have gotten advice from friends and other women but honestly I just don’t know where to start. It really makes me feel bad that I am not pleasing my wife, and right now I am beyond the angry stage. I just want to fix things.

Sincerely,

Need To Turn Her On

Dear Need To Turn Her On,

If your wife is not facing issues of sexual or relationship trauma, it could be that she is either not attracted to you physically or that she is being truthful in stating that you are not doing the right things that turn her on. Let’s just assume that she is being truthful. The key will be to get her to communicate exactly what she wants. Many women don’t know or have difficulty expressing their sexual wants so you may need to get creative. You could opt to watch erotic videos together that are geared towards women. Pay attention to her reactions to certain scenes and acts, and ask her what turns her on or what she would like to experience. Also, you could set aside private time that you agree will not be interrupted.

During this time, touch her and ask her to touch you in return. It is known that the way that a person touches you can serve as a subconscious signal to let you know how they would like to be touched. This also tends to be true for kissing. Asking friends and other women for advice may be helpful in getting ideas and your creative juices flowing, but do not be discouraged if none of these ideas work.

Remember that it is your wife who really holds the key to her erotic side. Try to be patient, and make it a fun and light-hearted challenge. This is very important as women are intuitive and will pick up on any frustration, resentment or forced expectations that men may have regarding sex. Ultimately, this will shut her down even if she is willing to be responsive.

Dear Dr Nekia,

How soon is too soon to be married? I have been seeing a woman now for two months and we want to get married. Those who know think that we are crazy. Sure we are not in love, but our values and lifestyles are very similar.

We both feel that we work well together and are good companions for one another — especially since neither one of us has much family.

We really believe that love will come later and if not, then fine because we are content with one another and what we bring to each other’s lives. If she was to never change, I would be happy, and she is happy with who I am as well. So why wait? We are both mature enough and ready to make this commitment.

Sincerely,

Too Soon To Marry?

Dear Too Soon To Marry,

While most would advise against getting married so soon, the truth is that no one but the two of you can determine how soon is too soon.

There are some who wait many years and there are others who agree to marry before even meeting face to face. Either way, some of these marriages succeed and some of them fail. A more important question would be, why do you want to get married? Or, what are your expectations and your plan of action that will make things work? It sounds as though you have already thought about the things that make for a lasting union.

Common goals, beliefs, hobbies, lifestyle and financial plans have been shown to be important factors in determining whether a relationship will work or fall apart.

The more similarities there are, the more successful a marriage will be. When lifestyles and outlooks are similar, there is less need for change and compromise and so partners don’t feel the pressure of having to conform.

When euphoric emotions are absent or fade away, the foundation of mutual friendship and respect will become increasingly important. Love, per se, is not needed for a successful marriage.

In fact it is often our emotionally-based confusion about what we mistakenly call “love”, that leads to marriage failure. It is important to note that there are kinds of marriage arrangements and contracts just as there are many reason for marriage. Be sure that you both have a thorough understanding of how you want your marriage to look, feel and operate.

Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com