Dear Dr Nekia,

My boyfriend admitted to me that he thinks that he may be bisexual. He says he has never been with a man, but that he finds both men and women attractive. I do not know how to handle this situation. One side of me says that I should be understanding and encouraging, while the other side says I should just dump him. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Completely Blindsided

Dear Completely Blindsided,

Ok this may seem to be a sticky situation, but you are not responsible for his journey. I understand that because you are close to him that you feel an urge to be compassionate and help him, but you must understand that compassion is expressed in many forms.

It is great that you are considering giving him much needed moral support, but you will need to be careful that you do not get too involved; you cannot affect the outcome and could very well get hurt.

Indeed, if you do care about him, you should not want to influence the outcome anyhow because it is better for him to figure things out for himself.

You may never know whether or not he has acted upon his current attraction to men, but you are responsible for your own health, safety and wellbeing. Ask yourself if you can honestly remain in a relationship with him while guarding your health, keeping your personal safety intact and guaranteeing your own wellbeing.

Do you think you will be able to offer anything more than friendship and support? Even if you can answer yes, realise that the capacity of your relationship will be limited until he figures out who he is.

Things between two people can be difficult enough without someone questioning their sexuality, so make no mistake about it there can be no stability or security within your relationship until he figures things out. As the name you signed suggests, you already feel blindsided, which I am sure is causing hesitation, confusion and distrust.

All of these emotions and thoughts are signs of an unhealthy or unstable relationship in crisis. Take a step back and give a long, hard look at how this news is affecting you.

If you cannot get past the doubt, confusion and feeling torn between what to and what not to do, then chances are that this relationship is not at all best for you.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I am finding it difficult to have a positive outlook on relationships. I do not want to be alone, but I don’t trust people easily and it seems I am always let down or disappointed. Plus, my friends tell me about their drama and it just turns me off from meeting anyone altogether. I know that this is not healthy. How can I believe in love again?

Sincerely,

For ever Single

Dear For ever Single,

The first thing that you will need to do before believing in love is to make sure that you are believing in yourself. You must believe that you are worthy of love and that you are deserving of a healthy, loving relationship. Once you realise that you can and should be happy with someone of your choosing, you will have little reason to doubt that pursuing a relationship is worth your while.

The benefit will be twofold: you will gain confidence in yourself and you will be able to use your confidence to make better relationship choices.

You must also begin to take steps that will allow you to have a positive outlook for love.

This will involve you making sure that you do not take on the drama and misfortunes of other people’s unhappiness.

As well, your past relationships should not be looked at as failures but as stepping stones; look back on each and try to find at least one constructive lesson that you have learnt from it.

Try to avoid negative talk such as you learnt not to trust or you learnt not to give your heart. Focus instead on lessons that build you up and could actually help you to be happy in future relationships.

By focusing on yourself, believing in yourself, becoming distant from the negative experiences of others and using past relationships as positive lessons, you will exude the positivity that you have built up inside and attract more positive relationship experiences.

This process may take time, but the starting point is choice; the choice to be positive and to have the hope of finding love.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I’ve been married for three years now and my sex life almost doesn’t exist. Before I married my wife, we had sex all the time. I actually was surprised at how much she wanted to have sex, but now I’m surprised that she hardly ever wants to. She uses the usual excuses of being tired or not feeling well, but swears that she enjoys sex with me and is not cheating. What else could it be?

Sincerely,

No Sex Life

Dear No Sex Life,

Did your wife gradually decrease her desire for sex with you or was this a sudden occurrence? The answer to this question will direct you to the root of the problem. Ask her about her general health and energy levels involving other activities to pinpoint if she is having issues in other areas of her life or if it is just with sex. Either way, ask her if she would be willing to have a physical and talk to her doctor.

There may be an unknown illness or vitamin deficiency. Stress and disappointment are also major sources of reduction in libido, so ask her about anything that may be on her mind.

Additionally, you will want to check in with her about her happiness level within the marriage: Are things going the way that she envisioned they would?

Are there any lingering issues that need resolving? Oftentimes relationship issues outside of the bedroom are main contributors to sexual issues.

All areas should be explored before jumping to conclusions of infidelity or dissatisfaction in your sexual performance.

Yes it is true that infidelity and dissatisfaction are common reasons for women to withdraw from sex with their husbands, but remember that it is always best to give the benefit of the doubt.

Being suspicious of your spouse can create other problems within the marriage, especially if they are indeed faithful.

Another less common reason for what you are experiencing is that women often give men what they want before marriage, but become comfortable once married. For many women, walking down the aisle is a goal and they can become complacent, or even completely change, once the race to the altar is over.

If this is the case, you would have noticed a change in sexual performance around the time of the honeymoon.