Dear Dr. Nekia,

I’m dating someone who recently started to do something that I do not like. He stops by for unannounced visits. We never discussed if it was allowed or not, so really I can’t get mad at him, but I just feel like some boundaries need to be set. I like him a lot and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. And, I definitely don’t want the conversation to turn into him asking me if the reason why I do not want him stopping by is because I’m seeing someone else. I’ve already told him that I would rather he call before coming over, but he says it’s no big deal and that we have been dating long enough to where we should be comfortable with one another.

We’ve been seeing one another regularly for four months, but I am not ready to have the talk about going exclusive yet. How do I gently let him know that I don’t want unannounced visits, without him thinking that I’m not taking him seriously?

Sincerely,

Call First

Dear Call First,

You and he are definitely on two separate pages. This happens with couples or dating persons, so while there is no immediate cause for alarm, work on regaining similar footing so that things will go a lot more smoothly.

On the one hand, it sounds as though he has become comfortable with you being in his life. If he feels that unannounced visits are no big deal, he is essentially telling you that he is okay with sharing his space with you. The problem, however, is that you do not feel the same way that he does and I think that you may be feeling a bit guilty about that.

This would explain why you do not want to hurt his feelings. Honestly, whether or not his feelings do get hurt, you have to make it clear to him that you do not wish for him to show up whenever he feels like it.

Your home is your personal space and if you feel the need to set boundaries, you have every right to do so. There is nothing mean about it. Be direct by letting him know that you have mentioned it before and you are seriously uncomfortable with his surprise visits.

Do not give him the option of turning it into a debate and use a firm but low-volumed tone when speaking. You do not have to be rude or yell to get your point across, but do know that he just might have questions for you. One of which may be whether you are seeing other people. If you are or not, and whether or not you want to disclose this information to him, is entirely up to you. I think that it is a valid question but if you would really like to avoid that topic, I would advise you to tell him that you wanting him to call first has nothing to do with anyone else and is simply a reasonable request for respect of your privacy. Some disappointment is normal and expected, but if he reacts by getting angry or hurt, you may want to make a note of this while keeping your eyes open for other signs of him being overly clingy, pushy, or disrespectful of your boundaries and wishes.

Sometimes when we are too concerned about everyone else’s feelings, we compromise ourselves and become unhappy. Be mindful of others, but never hesitate to protect your personal space, safety, and peace of mind from those who you wish to keep at arm’s length.

When you are ready, you will invite him into your life in a more intimate manner, and he will just have to understand this. Hopefully, he is willing to be a bit more patient.

Dear Dr. Nekia,

I have never been a needy type of person. I enjoy having me time in my relationships and I think that it is important for people to take their space from time to time. That is why it surprises me what is going on.

My last relationship of five years has ended and I have been having problems sleeping ever since. I think that it was the right decision to end things, so I don’t feel like I have anxiety about it that could be keeping me awake at night. We lived together for three years. I know that some people say they find it hard sleeping when their spouse goes away, but that’s kind of different from my situation because their men were coming back in a few days. My situation is more permanent and I am not anticipating his return. Besides, I never thought that I would be that person to lose sleep over a man not being in my bed. So, why can’t I sleep?

Sincerely,

Insomniac

Dear Insomniac,

I would be interested to know whether or not you nap during the day as well as whether or not you find it difficult to sleep in general or just nights. A post-break-up change in sleeping times could cause difficulty because it’s a change in habit.

While being able to sleep days and only having trouble sleeping nights could point to residual stress of your long-term relationship ending. However, if you really feel that you have no anxiety or remorse about going your separate ways, then you could simply be having trouble sleeping because you had become used to sleeping with your former man.

A lot of people underestimate the connection that forms from having a bed buddy. Even if sex is not involved, there is a certain level or familiarity and comfort that comes with the nightly skin-to-skin or body-to-body interaction that takes place during sleep.

When in relationships, we settle into routines with our partners and with any break-up, those routines are broken. This alone can cause insomnia as your body and mind readjusts to being single again. Add to this the fact that you no longer have a warm live body next to you at night, and you have an equation for restlessness. You may think that because you do not get clingy or attached that you should have no problems with sleep, but what you probably did not factor in was the subconscious or unconscious mind and the automatic responses of your body.

When we sleep, our thinking mind is at rest and gives way to our unconscious thoughts and feelings. Also, during sleep our bodies physically slow down which adds to the decrease in stressors that contribute to our waking selves. In other words, during sleep we are much more open to forming attachments and bonds because our bodies are relaxed and our waking mind is quiet. Also, science has shown that humans are social creatures that benefit from having a bed buddy rather than sleeping alone. Sharing your bed with someone who you care about can decrease blood pressure, decrease stress, and increase recovery and feelings of mental and physical wellbeing.

You may have been reaping some of these benefits without even being aware of it. Try investing in a body pillow and making sure that you set and stick to a regular sleep schedule. The body pillow gives you a substitute to make you feel secure and not so alone at night, while sticking to a sleep schedule will encourage your body to know when it is time to rest.

You can also try using meditation music, nature sounds, incense, tea, and essential oils that are all geared towards relaxing the mind and body. It may definitely take some time to adjust to sleeping alone again, but try different things from the list above to see what works for you.

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