Dear Dr Nekia,

I just broke up with my man and I am having a hard time with it. I find it hard to move on because I am constantly thinking about how he treated me and ended the relationship. He did cheat and lie a lot, and I know that I deserve better and maybe should have left him a long time ago but I love him so much. I just don’t understand how I was so good to him and he did not want to be with me. I also don’t understand how he can just break things off and not look back while I can’t stop mulling things over in my head. We were together for more than a year but he doesn’t seem to be hurting the least bit. I feel so stupid for my feelings and I want to know how I can move on just like he is.

Sincerely,

Can’t Move On

Dear Can’t Move On,

I am sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time, but maybe I can help you to gain a different perspective of things. Your mind will not let things rest because one, you have confusion surrounding the whys of how he treated you and why he left; and two, because you have made yourself to be the victim. Your confusion comes from you not having answers to your questions and you became the victim once you gave up your personal power in the relationship.

So, first you will want to try to sort through the confusion that you are facing. Write down the things that you do not understand and go back over them trying to answer each one. For those that you can not answer, you may have to just let them go. We are trying to clean house here and confusion is like clutter, it takes up valuable space, is frustrating, and stops us from seeing beyond where the dust settles. Confusion clouds the mind and prevents us from making sound observations and decisions. And really you have all the information that you need to be able to make your first steps towards clarity.

By this I mean that you yourself stated that you acknowledge his indiscretions, that you realise that it was a relationship you should have exited sooner, and that you know you deserve better.

The key to moving on is to regain your personal power and to denounce your role as a victim. You do this by simplifying the facts of your relationship and why it didn’t work. Getting caught up on the details of every little questionable memory will drive you insane and have you obsessing over the failed relationship or worse yet, him. Shift focus away from what he has done, what he is doing, and how he may or may not be feeling about you. Focus instead on you. What did you learn from the relationship? What role did you play in its failure? What can you work on to improve yourself so that you grow from this experience? Focusing on yourself puts you back at the centre of the situation.

You, not him, become your priority and while you work to get through the heartache period, you will be relearning to pay attention to yourself as you empower yourself through learnt lessons and self improvement. Let’s face it, much of our failed relationships were toxic ones that left us a bit drained; so we all can use a bit of a pick-me-up to improve ourselves. Focusing on what he has done to you, or on how he feels will not only interfere with your focus on yourself, but will also cause you to put yourself in the position of being the victim.

You will be stuck in a cycle of mourning the relationship, self pity, and regrets. In order to move past your thoughts about what he has done, you have to remove yourself from the role of the victim and place yourself into one of personal power. Again, this is done through shifting focus back to you by reclaiming your position as the centre of your life. From the centre, your perspective on your situation will change to be one that is more beneficial to you. Instead of saying so-and-so has done this or that to me, say so-and-so has shown me who they chose to be in my life and I no longer will accept that.

Remind yourself of the simple facts of the failed relationship, and that you want better and that you deserve better. Don’t forget to also find the relationship lesson or lessons that you can take with you, and be sure to take responsibility for your part as well. Even if your part is simply that you allowed yourself to stay in the situation too long, by taking ownership you return power to yourself. You remind yourself that you control your own thoughts, feelings, and destiny simply because you have the power of choice.

Once you realise that you have the power to choose, ask yourself, “So if I have this power, why would I choose this misery [failed relationship] over happiness?” If your answer is that you love him and you can not let him go, try asking yourself this question again. And keep asking yourself until you come up with a different response. Because I love him or her is never the true reason for accepting lies, cheating, or ill treatment from anyone.

Dig deeper until you find the reason for why it is that you are projecting so much feelings of love towards an undeserving man when you should be giving those very same feelings of love to yourself.

Dear Dr Nekia,

Can you get pregnant from anal sex? I know it may sound like a stupid question but my girlfriend is pregnant. We have anal sex mostly, and sometimes we go on to do it the regular way, but I have never ejaculated inside of her. I am trying to get as much information as I can because I really don’t want to doubt if the child is mine.

Sincerely,

Anal Pregnancy

Dear Anal Pregnancy,

No it is not possible to get pregnant during anal sex. That is, unless we consider the unlikely event that some of your seminal fluids found its way to the entrance of your partner’s vagina where sperm were allowed to make their way up through the vaginal canal. This is not impossible, but again the chance of conception under these circumstances is not great. Another way that she may have got pregnant is if you engaged in unprotected vaginal sex following anal sex where pre-ejaculatory or post-ejaculatory fluid was directly introduced up into the vagina. Semen sometimes remains on the head of or just within the head of the penis, and is easily transferred to the vagina. This scenario is far more likely that the previous one. I do not know much about your relationship so I can not speak on the likelihood of the baby not being yours, but I encourage you to give it some thought.

Find out any additional reasons why you have doubts about paternity, and if there are no concrete reasons, prepare yourself for the good chance that you are going go be a father.