Dear Dr Nekia,

I am dating a man who I know will be a good husband in the future, but who is still a work-in- progress. I love him and I see the little progress that he is making, but if I am honest, I am not really happy right now.

A lot of times I just want to walk away, but then I think of another woman getting him and how they will have the happiness that I want with him. I am torn. How do I make a decision between my immediate needs and what I want with him in the future?

Sincerely,

Better In The Future

Dear Better In The Future,

No matter who, what, when, where or why, all relationships take patience, commitment and effort. However, many of us make the mistake of staying in a situation because of the potential we envision the relationship to have or the memories of how good things used to be. Far too often we do not make decisions based on what is happening at present.

It is only through living in the truth of the present that you can hope to have a realistic view of what the future could look like.

If you are banking on potential alone, you are setting yourself up for failure and heartache. Your relationship must have something concrete now. What bothers me here is that you are unhappy but holding on because you do not want to lose out on a future that right now only exists within your mind. We can find the potential in everything and everyone if we look hard enough; it’s not enough to bring you happiness in your relationship. If you want to be truly happy, you will have to harness happiness and weave it into the fabric of your reality.

What does happiness look like to you? Does the man he is today reflect this happiness? He may have the potential, but he also has the freedom and will to choose who he will become and there is absolutely no guarantee he will become the man who you are shaping him to be.

Dear Dr Nekia,

When is a relationship really over? There are times when you’re still with the person but you get the feeling that it’s done and you’re hanging on for nothing. How do you know when it is over for sure?

Sincerely,

Is It Done?

Dear Is It Done,

No relationship ever really ends. We carry the memories and lessons learnt from them into our next relationships. Sometimes this is a good thing, and sometimes influences of our past relationships are a bad thing. This all depends on how you use those old bricks to build your next house.

You know that a relationship has run its course the moment you begin to question whether or not it has begun to fade away. Let’s face it, if your relationship had you feeling content and secure, you would not be questioning whether or not it is over.

You’re questioning it, rather than just getting up and leaving, mainly because you are not ready to face the truth or you are not yet ready to go through change. This is not to say that anyone who questions the direction of their relationship is in a doomed situation.

What I am saying is that you should accept and recognise that questioning is a natural response to instincts within you telling you that something is not quite right. Explore these feelings and question yourself deeper about why you are so unsure of your relationship.

Once you gain a good sense of how and why the relationship has progressed in a direction that casts doubt, discuss it with your partner.

How receptive they are can be a determining factor as to whether or not the relationship is on its way out. If he or she is receptive and you can both come together to correct things, great. If they are not so receptive you must come to terms with the fact that you can’t fix it alone.

If you find that — whether or not he or she is receptive — you are simply uncomfortable or disinterested, be honest with yourself. It may be that the relationship is not fulfilling you in the ways that you need it to. Things become a lot more complicated the longer we allow our relationships to spiral into unhappiness so do not let things linger on in hopes that they will get better or that you will feel differently. All of this doubt may be just in your head and may not really have anything to do with your partner but whether this is true or not only becomes relevant once you have chosen to face it.

Question yourself before questioning the relationship or your significant other because you need to be sure about what you’re feeling, what you are experiencing and what is missing, before you can deal with the other person involved.

Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com