Dear Dr Nekia,

I’ve been cheating on my wife. My wife was raised in a Christian home and she carries a lot of those beliefs and values with her today. It affects our sex life. She thinks that certain acts are dirty or a sin. I am just not satisfied. We decided to wait until we got married to have sex so I had no idea that she would have such a difficult time. Oral sex is even a fight, because she was raised to think that good girls do not do that. I do not want to cheat on my wife but what else am I to do?

Sincerely,

Unsatisfied Cheater

Dear Unsatisfied Cheater,

Cheating is never an appropriate answer to relationship and marital problems, and the fact that you are reaching out for help shows that you realise this. Your question involves a rather taboo subject. Morality, Christianity, and most male-dominated religions place great emphasis on the chasteness of females. As a result, followers develop a sense of sexual guilt and shame that they pass on to their children. If we teach our females that certain things are dirty or that their character is sinful and undesirable if they perform certain acts, we essentially damage their ability to freely love their partner in a sexual way. Most often such teachings are used to evoke fear in preventing premarital sex, however there needs to be a more productive and less abusive way of facing sexual issues within our homes and churches.

Your wife has been damaged by her moral upbringing and, as is not uncommon with others like her, is having a hard time switching from being the “good girl” to her family to being the “loving woman” to her husband. As you can imagine, this must be a very difficult task.

We cannot expect our women to be fearful and uninviting towards sex until the moment they get married; to just switch themselves on to being pleasing lovers. Many women suffer in silence or lose their husbands due to their inability to sexually connect. Your wife will benefit most from counselling with someone who shares her core religious beliefs. She will become trusting of this person and will be able to get spiritual and marital guidance from them. I fear that a secular counsellor will not be well received as she will see them as a sinner and, perhaps, feel as if she’s being coerced or led astray. Until then, you will want to be more understanding and patient with her. Definitely end your affair. Focus instead on creating other ways to connect sexually with her. She needs to feel a deep sense of intimacy with you in order to engage sexually. Discuss intimacy-creating activities of both a sexual and non-sexual manner, that you both enjoy and are comfortable with.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby boy eight months ago, and I breastfeed. My baby’s father is very impatient with me because he thinks that I have breastfed our son long enough. I understand that breastfeeding can be a bit inconvenient because we have to always find appropriate places to feed, and he is a breast man so he thinks that it is time to return my breasts to him. However, I am proud to be a breastfeeding mommy and I do not want to stop before my son is 18 months. This is becoming a real issue in our relationship and is causing some heated arguments. What can I do to get him to understand that breastfeeding is a natural part of being a loving mom?

Sincerely,

Breastfeeding Mommy

Dear Breastfeeding Mommy,

Unfortunately, breastfeeding is not a well-received topic for some people. The truth is that breastfeeding is very important to the physical and emotional health of your baby. In large, the medical community has done very little to promote its importance, and has instead focused on synthetic baby formulas as being the norm. This is partly to ease the guilt associated with mothers who are incapable of breastfeeding, as well as to ensure the lucrative businesses of baby formulations and vaccinations. Not many know that as your baby ages, your breast milk changes in composition to meet the nutritional needs of your growing child. Not only this but breast milk evolves to give baby’s immune system its essential building blocks.

This works because breast milk is an extension of mommy’s blood which allows for immunity of the mother’s body to be naturally passed on to baby. Additionally, breastfeeding is a very strong bonding experience for both mommy and baby.

Many studies have shown that breastfeeding greatly decreases the chance of children later developing learning, antisocial, and deviant personality disorders. All of this makes breastfeeding a very important task. Try to gather as much information as you can so that you can have an open and honest discussion about the necessity of you breastfeeding. This is a time for daddy to understand that breasts are primarily purposed for feeding and not for ornamental or sexual use. You should not be made to feel guilty or be pressured against enjoying your time as a breastfeeding mom. I wish that more women would support mothers who breastfeed and become comfortable enough with their bodies to breastfeed as needed. There is no shame or perversion in breastfeeding your bundle of joy so do not let anyone make you feel otherwise.

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