Dear Dr Nekia,

I am almost too embarrassed to admit this, but I have to talk to somebody about it — I still fantasise about my ex.

It wouldn’t be so bad, I guess, except for I do it while having sex with my new girlfriend. I no longer want to be with my ex, but I am still very much turned on when I see her or think about her. Even worse is that when I see her with another guy, I get so turned off that I cannot have sex with my girl.

I really do care about my girlfriend, everything is going great, and she satisfies me sexually; but I just can’t stop imagining my ex during sex. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just enjoy being with who I’m with?

Sincerely,

Ex Fantasy

Dear Ex Fantasy,

For many couples fantasy plays a big role in their lovemaking however I doubt that many of them would be okay with knowing that their partner was fantasising about an ex or about an actual person from their day-to-day lives.

Although the reproductive organs and genitals are the tools that the body uses to carry out the actual act, much of our experience of sex comes from what our brain tells us. There are a series of questions that you will want to ask yourself. The first obvious one is whether you are still emotionally attached to your ex. I am sure that some residual attachment is there, but do you want to work things out with her? Next, you will want to question what is it about your ex that piques your sexual interest. Pay attention to her personality as well as her physical attributes.

Thirdly, compare what attracts you to your ex with what attracts you to you your girlfriend. See if there is something missing in this current relationship that causes you to hang on to your previous lover. If you find that there is nothing missing, it may be simply that your chemistry with your ex is stronger. Some people draw us and excite us more than others, and this can happen in ways that we really cannot consciously understand. Everyone emits a unique composition of energy and chemical signals that others can pick up on, and these signals are what can cause an irreplaceable attraction. At this point, it is hard to tell if your current partner is sexually fulfilling you because you rely so heavily upon the fantasies of your ex. If your brain is still fixated on your ex, in essence, you are still having sex with her. Your girlfriend is merely serving as a vessel. This is further evidenced by the fact that you are physically incapable of sex whenever you are faced with the reality that your ex may have moved on with another man. There is nothing wrong with you. You just need to gain perspective on your emotions and desires that are still very much centred around your former lover.

Dear Dr Nekia,

The guy that I am seeing answers his phone during sex. It doesn’t happen all of the time, but I can’t believe that he even does it some of the time. Is it just me or isn’t answering calls during sex very rude? I have spoken to him about how this makes me feel, but he refuses to see why it is a big turn-off. The calls generally are not even that important. He tells them he will call them back, and he does. I mean right back. As soon as we are finished, he gets up, rolls over and reaches for his phone. I’ve never experienced this before. Am I making a big deal over nothing?

Sincerely,

Phone Sex

Dear Phone Sex,

Since you have said that you have tried talking to him about how this makes you feel, I want to tell you to do it back to him. Wait until a time where he is completely focused on you and caught up in the moment, then say, ‘Oh excuse me one second’, and reach for your phone to text or make a call. This is what I want to tell you to do, but it is probably not the professional solution that I should give. So let me try again. When someone is distracted by anything during sex it can make you feel as though you are not important or that they are not enjoying the experience that you are sharing.

Whether it be phone, TV, a knock at the door or anything else, interruptions during sex can quickly change the mood. Worse yet is when your partner wilfully gives their attention to such distractions. I could see if he occasionally needed to answer his phone for work purposes, or if he had been expecting an important call that you knew ahead of time was coming, but this sounds like a habit that is very rude, to say the least.

Not only does he answer calls that can wait, but he returns the calls before either of you have a chance to come down off the euphoria that you both created. Sad to say, but he simply is not that into the sexual experience with you. This does not mean that it is you, because he may be this way with others as well. And, it also does not mean that he is not enjoying having sex with you, but that he does not completely focus on you in the moment. If he is not completely focused, a phone ringing can easily be a trigger response for him to switch his attention.

Many people have trained themselves to automatically respond to their phones and many of us are addicted to using the device, but that doesn’t mean that his behaviour should go unchecked. From now on, if he answers his phone during sex, do not resume sex.

Send the message that it is unacceptable for him to answer his phone. If this does not work, or if he continues to pick up his phone right after sex, remove all phones from the room prior to sex. Be proactive in finding constructive solutions to issues; especially those involving delicate situations such as sex and intimacy.

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