Dear Dr Nekia,

I really messed up with my girl and now she won’t talk to me. I have not been treating her as well as I should have and I guess she got fed up. I really don’t like being broken up and I want another chance. How can I get her to talk to me again?

Sincerely,

Broken Apart

Dear Broken Apart,

What it requires to regain a woman’s attention depends on how badly you have hurt her and how fed up she is. The worse she feels, or the more distant that she is, the more it will require to get her back.

But, before you go sending out smoke signals, ask yourself: Are you sorry for what you have done? Are you willing to change your behaviour? Are you willing to do what it will take to reestablish trust? If the answer is yes, then move forward into making plans to win her back.

Do not focus on the typical ways of saying I’m sorry; instead, concentrate on who she is. Think of her likes, hobbies, interests, etc and tailor your efforts to fit the kind of woman she is. This will make her think that you are paying attention. It will make her feel special and motivate her to appreciate the extra effort.

Sometimes, giving a woman space to cool down is wise; for others, it just gives them time to come to terms with you no longer being a part of their lives.

Some women will want you to prove your sincerity and will have you work at getting their attention; others will only become increasingly agitated the more you try. The truth is that there is the possibility that, no matter what you do, she will not come back to you. And, if this is the case, you may have to come to terms with it and take this experience as a valuable lesson learnt. Everyone has their breaking point and she may have reached hers. It is a part of the cost of you messing up.

Dear Dr Nekia,

My wife has too many guy friends and I don’t like it. I don’t know many of them and that makes me think something is up. Why can’t I meet them or get to know them? I try to talk to her, but she says she isn’t doing anything wrong. She believes that I have my friends and she has hers but I don’t have many female friends and she knows the ones I do have.

Sincerely,

Suspicious

Dear Suspicious,

Did you and your wife discuss having friends of the opposite sex prior to being married? Are these friends she has met since being married? Does she continue to meet men and befriend them? These are questions that need to be answered.

It would seem that developing male friendships is part of her interpersonal behavioural pattern. Has she always developed such friendships? If so, then why was this issue not addressed sooner? Do you expect that she will dissolve these friendships, or is the real issue the fact that you do not know these men?

Opposite sex friends can be a sticky and uncomfortable grey area in marriages. A person’s friendships can reveal a lot about that person and how they connect to others. This is very important when pursuing a romantic relationship.

It is not uncommon to meet people and find that they have opposite sex friendships that are quite casual or superficial, but these friendships should fade away as you become more serious about one another. If they do not, then this is a cause for eyebrows to be raised. At the very least, such people who keep these acquaintances tend to have issues surrounding commitment.

Opposite sex friendships that are platonic and meaningful will remain a constant as a relationship grows, however such friends are never kept secret and become a part of the couple’s social circle. There is nothing wrong with your wife having male friends, as long as she is not being unfaithful, but you meeting them and becoming comfortable with them is very important to protecting the trust within your marriage. Although we cannot assume infidelity, there is obviously a reason why she insists on choosing to keep you from knowing her friends despite the negative impact it is having on your marriage. It should be a priority that the relationship or marriage unit is protected; friendships or acquaintances that raise suspicion or remain secret are not appropriate.

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