Dear Dr Nekia,

I’m in love with a woman that just doesn’t love me and I don’t know how to get past it. I’ve loved her since for ever, and I have never really been able to be with someone else 100 per cent. She doesn’t love me so I know that there is no chance of us being together. How do I stop loving her? I want to be happy.

Sincerely,

Unloved

Dear Unloved,

I find it interesting, the notion of being in love with someone you have actually never been with. Whether you think it’s possible or not depends on whether or not you believe love is a choice. If you believe it is, then you could choose anyone at anytime. If you believe that love is this uncontrollable phenomenon that chooses you, you have to believe you’re powerless against it. I think that it is a bit of both.

We may not be fully and consciously in control of who we love and when this person walks into our lives, but we are fully capable of making the choice of whether to dwell on our feelings. This power is highly underrated.

After all, if we admit to having the power to choose, then we also must admit to our faults when things go wrong. To some degree, you have relinquished your power to choose what is best for you. Because you are attracted to this person, you have allowed yourself to enter into a state of turmoil and are unable to move beyond it even though she is not interested in you. They say that unrequited love is the hardest love of all, but it does not have to stop you from moving forward with another.

You will need to learn how to understand your feelings and then consider them in a more positive and constructive way. Think about all of the love that you have bottled up inside to give to someone who will accept it and appreciate it. Know that this love is waiting for you as well. Multiply that love, make the choice to value yourself and that love enough to know that what you have to give and who you are is awesome. Know that there is nothing wrong with you and that she is not rejecting you; it is impossible for someone to reject you if they do not know you.

Love is a force, a state of being, an intoxicating mindset governed by the heart. Just as it chooses us, we must also choose it.

Rechanneling the focus of your love inward will give you a safe and empowering outlet for its energy, but you will also need to recognise the difference between your obsessive thoughts and genuine love.

Obsession is a mind trick, a glitch in our thoughts and behaviours that keeps us on a hamster wheel of heartache. Love is an experience that uplifts us and helps us become the best version of ourself. Love gives us life, so when there is no one else to give it to, give it to yourself and who you will attract.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I consider myself to be a strong man. I like to solve problems, fix things and I like a challenge. I have excelled in my career because of these qualities but I find that I do not choose the right relationships because of them too. I choose women who are either projects or so headstrong that we argue. I lose interest in, or am afraid to commit to good, solid women who complement me. Why do I keep making these silly mistakes with women, and why can’t I appreciate the ones that I know are good for me?

Sincerely,

Attracted To The Wrong Ones

Dear Attracted To The Wrong Ones,

They say that we always want what, deep down inside, we know that we cannot have. The answer to why you choose these relationships is going go take a bit of soul searching on your part. We go to school to learn how to focus and become productive, we go to church to learn how to become humble and grounded and we participate in sports to learn how to be disciplined while having fun; our homes give us the foundation for how we will cope with day-to-day life. But where do we go to learn about love and how to choose and become wholesome partners for one another? This is mainly left to ourselves and we learn, through trial and error, the best way that we can. It is quite common for us to take tools and ideals that have worked for us in other areas of our lives and apply them to our personal relationships. This is especially true for men who excel by having a strong sense of direction, control, and achievement however matters of the heart do not work that way. You cannot approach love like it is something to be accomplished or conquered or you will continue to attract the wrong type of women.

These women become your weakness because they stimulate you in that challenging way but what happens is that the relationships drain you instead of fortifying you.

The trick is for you to find a woman who can balance you. Someone who will complement your goals and provide that sense of acceptance and safety that is needed in order for your heart to open.

You know that your attractions are destructive. You choose them because they fill a void and may even give you a reason for why, deep down inside, you do not have to give your heart. This could be why you shy away from committing to a woman once you know that she is good for you. In essence, you are trying to deal with matters of the heart through the ego, which only brings out your weaknesses. In actuality, you want to open your heart.

There is no easy way to break this cycle but I would recommend that you look deep within yourself.

Recognise when you are making new ties that are negative, and walk away. Eventually you will find someone who is positive for you and with whom you share a connection.

• Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com