Dear Dr Nekia,

I have been secretly loving this man for years. He doesn’t know it. We used to be friends but drifted apart. Now he is back in my life and I don’t know what to do about it. I thought that I was over him but I am beginning to get all of those same feelings again.

Every time he smiles at me or hugs me hello I feel so lightheaded. I am single but I don’t even know if he is because I am so afraid to ask and be disappointed. My heart skips a beat just from thinking about him and when I see him, I get all nervous and anxious. I don’t know if he has ever had feelings for me, but he hasn’t said so and neither have I. So what do I do? Do I tell him how I feel or do I just go on being his friend acting like everything is OK?

Sincerely,

Secret Love

Dear Secret Love,

I am not sure if the two of you have ever been intimate but if you have not, then don’t. If you have, then don’t this time around. I say this because having a secret love for someone is difficult enough to get over and when you add in a factor of intimacy, it can make it even harder.

It is better to establish whether or not he has romantic feelings for you prior to the friendship becoming physical. I know that it is so easy to get caught up in the good feelings of love and the excitement of the possibilities that love brings, but we also must remember to be wise about our decisions. Love’s energy can be fast-moving, aggressive and passionate. Such passion can turn into chaos and heartache if you do not navigate its deep waters wisely.

First, you will want to find out if he is single. Because you already carry such feelings for him, it is important that you make sure that he is not only physically unattached but that he is also mentally and emotionally available for you. We women sometimes think we can get a man to change, or open up to become accessible to us in a loving capacity.

Most men don’t act on feelings of affection and love until they are ready to. Spend some time catching up on things with him. Ask him questions about his last relationships, and his life in general, to find out how receptive he is to the possibility of a new relationship.

Once you find out whether or not he is available, you will want to find out if he has had romantic feelings for you at any point in time. Ask soft questions, indirect ones that will put him at ease. Oftentimes, such conversations will steer men into divulging hidden feelings.

A great way is by reminiscing on times that you have shared together. Choose moments that stand out in your mind that evoke strong emotion: laughter, sadness, excitement, etc. He will then offer his recollection of the experience, and you will be able to pick up on cues of affection — if there should be any.

Depending on his answers you can decide whether or not to tell him about your feelings. I suggest that you tell him. One, releasing emotions that we carry internally is healthy and lifts the burden. Two, telling him will put things out in the open where things can develop. He may not share your feelings but at least he will be involved in making a decision.

Relationships work best when they are not one-sided. He can’t contribute to your connection if he does not even know what is going on. I understand that you may be hesitant about revealing your feelings out of fear of rejection or messing up the friendship but do not let this dissuade you.

Fear is healthy in the right context but it also blocks great things from happening to us. So many of us never live up to our potential or have the life that we dream about because we are too fearful to take the steps necessary to reach for what we truly want. So which is more important to you, the fear and hesitation or the possibility of love?

Dear Dr Nekia,

I hear a lot about Yoni Eggs and I was wondering what are they used for and whether they are healthy. There are also so many places online that sell them. How do I know which is the right one to choose for me?

Sincerely,

Yoni Egg Nubie

Dear Yoni Egg Nubie,

Although they are new to mainstream western cultures, Yoni Eggs have been around for thousands of years. Here in the West, we don’t have rites of passage or any kind of cultural system that teaches and grooms young girls to respect and love their bodies intimately.

We rarely go beyond educating them on STDs, menstrual cycles, pregnancy and disease. With that being said, Yoni Eggs have gained notoriety for their various uses, and have caught on rather quickly due to creative marketing. The problem with this is that objects become mass produced, which often diminishes their quality.

Nevertheless, I can briefly provide information to help determine if you want to incorporate them into your life. Some cultures use it for tightening the vaginal walls — which increases the intensity of orgasms — and this is usually the gimmick used for marketing.

But Yoni Eggs carry far more value than this. Vaginal inserts have traditionally been used to tone and exercise the vaginal and pelvic floor muscles for optimal reproductive health. This is especially crucial after childbirth or in cases of urine incontinence or vaginal or uterine prolapse (falling down of the organs).

However, you should always be very careful about what it is that you are inserting into your vaginal canal because it is so very easy to introduce bacteria as well as upset the delicate pH balance of the area. It’s also important you consider your body’s anatomy and any medical conditions that you have or are prone to. You will want to choose an egg that is not too heavy that it causes undo stress on your vaginal and pelvic muscles, nor one that is so light that it is of little benefit to you.

Size is also important. As a general rule the smaller the egg is, the more advanced or developed your vaginal muscles are. So start off with a larger, lightweight Yoni Egg and work your way down in size and up in weight as your muscles begin to strengthen. Consider the material that the egg is shaped from. Make sure that all surfaces are smooth and non-porous to avoid vaginal tears and introduction of bacteria.

The most popular vaginal eggs are made from various crystals. If you choose one of these, make sure you do your homework. Each vibrates at different frequencies, which will affect the vagina.

For instance, should you have a vagina that has rather loose walls — where your menstruation is heavy and of a watery substance which causes you to be on the anaemic side — you would want to avoid obsidian eggs. These often vibrate at a frequency that causes the cells in your body to release blockages and could cause your condition to worsen.

Research the properties of the crystal itself; do not rely on what you find regarding crystal eggs. People will say anything to sell their product and often make up benefits that simply are not there. Finally, be sure that you have been thoroughly instructed in the proper use of Yoni Eggs.

There is much more to using them then simply inserting them and squeezing your pelvic floor or PC muscles. Improper use and care can harm your body. It is good that women are beginning to explore ways in which to care for their bodies, however, it is unfortunate that there is so much misinformation and fear surrounding this exploration and it can be overwhelming to sift through it all.

It is always best to have someone knowledgeable guide you. Look beyond internet search engines, social-media sites and unaccredited certificate holders who claim to be professionals. Look for reading material and instructors who have a vast knowledge of the anatomy and physiology of the female body and also an established connection to the traditional and natural ways of feminine self care.

• Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com