Dear Dr. Nekia,

My friends have been trying to set me up on dates with guys. I don’t mind dating but they are not happy that I have not found anyone to settle down with. I have met some nice guys, but most of them were just not ambitious or established enough. I mean I am not looking for a workaholic or a millionaire, but I am not going to settle with someone who is working paycheck to paycheck, barely making ends meet, and in debt. Some of my friends think that I am being too picky and that I need to not be so concerned about money. But it’s just not about the money, it’s also the lifestyle that these mend tend to live that goes along with it. I don’t need to be wined and dined all the time or be bought expensive gifts, but I do want financial security. I can financially support myself and I do not want to have to help a man also. Are my friends right? Am I being unreasonable?

Sincerely,

I’ve Got My Own, He Needs To Have His

Dear I’ve Got My Own, He Needs To Have His,

I do not think that it is unreasonable to want a man who is financially secure. Someone who invests time and effort into their security is someone who has a level of maturity that is ideal for having a successful long term relationship. Both financial portfolios and relationships require commitment, foresight, patience, understanding, sacrifice, and staying power to stick through the peaks and valleys of an ever changing climate. Money is a touchy subject for a lot of people, and having or not having money can change a person’s personality as it directly influences their stress levels, confidence, quality of life, and ability to sustain themselves. Men who are not financially secure tend to be near sighted because accomplishing their short term goals take up much of their precious mental real estate. They may be able to envision or hope for the future, but much of their focus has to remain on their day-to-day living and being able to afford their monthly expenses. Like it or not, money is needed to survive in this society, and for a man who is not able to meet his basic needs, his life will tend to be unstable and up in the air. He will also tend to be stressed and feel bad about himself which could lead to him indulging in unfavourable habits. Sure there are many other things that could have a man feeling this way but the topic here is financial security. With a man who is not financially secure, your relationship will be limited in experiences as well. Sure you can still have romantic meaningful dates and quality time together, and sure you do not need to be wined and dined or showered with expensive gifts; but when money is tight there are just certain things that you will not be able to afford as a couple. In addition, as a woman it is very important for you to consider the financial security and potential of your partner because you will want to give your future child(ren) the best chance at not having to be raised in poverty. Let’s be honest, children are very expensive to raise, care, and provide for. It is always best when both parents can contribute, or one parent is financially sound enough take on household expenses while the other nurtures. If you would like to be the bread winner while allowing your child to have a father who is more of the nurturing type then this is fine; but I do not think that that is the case here because your concern is centred around the fact that you place great importance on a man being financially secure. So then, if a man’s portfolio is important to you, do not be talked into settling. If you do, you most likely will regret it in the long run because you will either try to change the man you have chosen or resent him for not meeting your expectations. Wanting someone who is financially responsible, or who is a provider and bread winner does not make you shallow or a gold digger. It actually makes you wise, because while money is not the only area that a woman should look for a man to be wealthy or mature in, it is a very important area when considering the future together with him. His quality of life, your quality of life, and the overall experiences that you and your children will share together will all be heavily influenced by money. And anyone who does not think this to be true is fooling themselves, as this fact is evidenced by the many legal child support battles, and failed marriages due to financial disagreements.

Dear Dr. Nekia,

My girlfriend likes to be choked during sex. I hate it. I hate having it done to me and I hate doing it to her. I usually would try anything once, so I agreed to try it even though I was hesitant about the whole thing. It felt awkward and weird. I was nervous about doing it too hard and wasn’t sure when to start and stop. She explained it to me but it was easier said than done when it came down to it. Speaking of coming down, I was so turned off by it that I couldn’t even remain at attention. She is now really upset with me and refuses to do things that I like just because I told her that I do not want to do the choking thing anymore. Isn’t this kind of thing dangerous?

Sincerely,

No Choking Allowed

Dear No Choking Allowed,

Asphyxiation is a very popular practice during sex for those who seek to experience a bit of aggression, submission, or danger in the bedroom. The very definition of the term means that there is a severe or dangerously low supply of oxygen going to the brain which can result in unconsciousness and death. In fact, it is not uncommon for people who indulge in choking during sex to pass out. Many enjoy this experience and find it to be euphoric. The heightened sensations that the body receives during sex mixed with the light headedness that results from cutting off oxygen to the brain can be a very addictive experience. The feeling has been described as being euphoric or inducing of a high that is unlike any other that they have experienced. This experience gives participants a rush or a sense of being alive as their body recognises how close they actually could and sometimes do come to death. Have people been severe injured from this practice? Yes. Have people died? Most certainly. But as with any other addiction, the risks seem to pale in comparison to the feeling that is being sought. Attaching such potentially dangerous practices to sexual experiences reinforces the desire and causes the person to eventually become disinterested or unfulfilled during sex that is absent of the practice. Nevertheless, if it is something that you are not into, you should not be forced or manipulated into it. Your girlfriend’s reaction of withholding sexual favours simply to spite you for not wanting to asphyxiate, is an attempt at manipulation in the form of punishment. You will both need to figure out if choking is something that is so important that it will destroy your sex life and eventually your relationship, or if it is something that you can both do without. Alternatively, you could try to become more comfortable with the practice by learning precautions and ways to know when far is too far or where to press as well as how much pressure to apply. No technique of asphyxiation is healthy or safe, but if you are going to do it you need to be comfortable and aware of what you are doing in order to minimise risks. Should you absolutely rule out the practice of asphyxiation, try to find out what exactly it is that your girlfriend likes about it. Be creative and try to find other ways in which she could mimic the experience. Finding an alternative or two could be a good compromise as it will give her a desired feeling and you a comfortable and enjoyable experience.

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