Dear Dr Nekia,

I’ve been having sex with someone and it has been a long-term situation that we both enjoy. She completely satisfies me sexually, but there is nothing else between us. We don’t even really have long conversations or share too much about our personal lives. It is just sex. But I have met someone I really am beginning to care for.

The thing is, I don’t want to give up my sex partner. And the closer me and the woman I am interested in get, the more I think about having to cut off the sex. I know that eventually I’m going to have to do it and I really don’t want to. Is it wrong for me to keep both? My sex partner is very discreet, so there would be no competition or drama between them.

Sincerely,

The Sex is Amazing

Dear The Sex is Amazing,

It is great that you have found someone who totally satisfies you sexually. So many people will never know what it is to experience that sort of physical connection with somebody.

Often we find ourselves torn because we look at circumstances from only one point of view. Try to not think of it as having to give up anything. Think of that relationship as having run its course. It served its purpose in your life and you had a very enjoyable experience. Besides, you are not losing anything, but gaining something more. It is harder and more satisfying to find someone with whom you connect emotionally, intellectually and spiritually.

This is not to say that sex is not important or that you have to choose between great sex and love. In fact, far too many people think that they do have to choose and settle for partners who leave them unfulfilled in important areas. Focus on the possibilities ahead. It is obvious that the woman you have this sexual relationship with cannot offer you much more than that or the two of you would have progressed by now. The very fact that you do not even engage in much conversation with her speaks volumes to how limited and empty your attachment is.

You have found someone who has sparked your interest and the potential for this relationship is limitless. Sex with someone you care for could blossom into something even more fulfilling than your current situation. You can always teach and learn how to be physically compatible if both partners are willing, but you cannot teach how to naturally connect with someone.

Take what you have experienced and apply it to the relationship that you are developing with the woman you care for. Approach sex with her with the same zest and passion. If you put in the effort, you can potentially end up with it all — great sex and love. Although having both women with no drama is an attractive choice, it won’t get you very far with either of them. Until you are ready to do the right thing, practise safe sex and be honest about not being exclusive.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I’m seeing someone who is showing signs of being controlling. At first everything was fine, but then I started noticing little instances that raised some flags. I’ve mentioned it, but they just don’t see how their behaviour is concerning.

So far, it’s harmless situations that have come up but, because of how often they are happening now, I am concerned that bigger situations will come up later on down the road. I don’t understand why the closer someone gets to another person, the more controlling they become. Should I be as concerned as I am?

Sincerely,

Uncontrollable

Dear Uncontrollable,

The pattern in your relationship is not uncommon. In the beginning everything is usually roses: there is a level of mystery and excitement that comes with meeting someone new and it usually takes people time to be comfortable enough to reveal their true selves. What is important here is that you have recognised the behaviour of your partner.

Controllers react to situations and interpret them as threatening. Fear is usually at the centre of what triggers them to act out. They seek to control their external environment because they cannot control what is inside of them. Similar to a child acting out when they are hurt or unhappy, adults too act out. One major way in which we do this is by controlling. Really what it boils down to is that we do not trust ourselves, so we do not trust others. We do not trust ourselves to make the right decisions, we do not trust ourselves to choose the right relationships, we do not trust ourselves to not put us in the position of being hurt again.

So, to resolve all of our distrust of self, we manipulate our environment and all those in it. We think that this gives us security from being hurt again, but really all it does is make us unhappy because we are robbed of the experience of letting things happen naturally.

This phenomenon is amplified when it comes to intimate relationships. The person we develop feelings for becomes our biggest fear because they have the most potential to hurt us.

As we get closer to them and our affections become stronger, we try to control them because we are trying to control the outcome.

Fear has a way of having us see all of the possibilities for negative outcomes — such as heartache and pain — while blinding us to the possible positive outcomes that love and success can bring to us. Your concern that bigger issues will occur is a very valid one.

Relationships with a controlling person can turn very depressing, nasty and even violent as their frustrations and fears grow. My advice is, if your partner continues to refuse to see how their behaviour is negatively affecting you, end the relationship.

A controller who is in denial or who is unaware of what they are doing, cannot be helped. However, if he or she begins to become more aware of what they are doing, help them to help themselves and seek counselling for whatever core issues there may be that are causing their controlling behaviour.

Chances are, they will not be able to snap out of it or make themselves stop feeling the need to be in control.

• Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com