Dear Dr Nekia,

My girl is always comparing our situation to her girlfriends’ situations. I’m sick of her always giving me grief about what her friends have or what their dudes do and don’t do. No man wants to be compared to another guy, and I’m feeling like if she is not careful, I’m going to leave her to be by herself. Why do you women have to always give us men grief and put us through things like this when we are trying to be good guys to you? It’s like enough is never enough.

Sincerely,

Incomparable

Dear Incomparable,

Women are constantly fed information about how we are too emotional, too materialistic, too needy, too demanding, too difficult, etc, so we often resort to comparing our relationships with others to see if we are on track. Is it the best thing to do? Probably not. But we do it because most of us do not know a better alternative.

A woman’s self-esteem and overall happiness in life is directly linked to the way that her man treats her and takes care of her. I don’t care how much money she makes or if she can take care of herself, women want a man to go that extra mile to show his love for her. A few things can happen if your woman is comparing relationships and causing distress in her own: one is that she becomes emotionally upset and carries that negative emotion home, which interferes with intimacy; two, she allows the negativity of other relationships to cause her to become suspicious and untrusting of her own; three, she listens to all of the positive things that go on in other relationships and gets upset that she does not have those sort of things in her own.

Either way, the end result is that your woman will not be happy in her relationship with you. If the cause of your frustration is due to her bringing negative vibes home, bring this to her attention in a loving way. Let her know how it makes you feel to see her so upset and discuss ways in which this can be avoided in the future. Set up boundaries that will encourage her to reconnect with you daily, while leaving all of the negativity of others at the door.

If she doesn’t trust you or is unhappy with you because of the problems that her friends are facing, these same boundaries should be put in place but try to reassure her with words, physical affection and loving gestures that you are not like any of those other guys. Lastly, if she is unhappy and unsatisfied with your relationship because she sees that other women are being treated better or are being given more, lay your cards on the table once and for all. Let her know what you can and cannot afford to give and also what is and isn’t in your power to provide. Take an honest look at yourself to see if you are giving her one hundred per cent and if you are, then maybe it is time for your woman to get a reality check. But if you are not, then maybe it is time to step things up a bit.

The bottom line here is that you shouldn’t be angry with your woman for wanting the best from you if you know that you are not giving her the best. If this is the case, and your attitude is that she should be happy and if not you will leave her, then leave. No one should be expected to or guilted into having to settle for less than 100 per cent effort from someone. So while no man likes to be compared, maybe sometimes men should compare themselves to one another to make sure that they are growing and achieving in their manhood. If you can do better, then do better. If you can be better, then be better. Maybe, just maybe, your trying to be good enough really isn’t enough for her. And maybe this is what you are really angry at.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I am engaged to be married but I am no longer sure that I want to go through with it. I have been putting off looking for a dress for months saying that I didn’t have time or that I wanted to lose weight. Eventually I tried on a few but the very first one I tried on made me want to cry — and not in a good way. The dress was beautiful and fit fine, but seeing me in it made everything so real. I let my friends and mother think that they were happy tears, but since then I have been questioning everything about myself — about my relationship, about what marriage means and my future in general. I really want to call off the wedding but do not want to disappoint my fiancé and our friends and families and a lot of expense has already gone into the ordeal. What should I do? Am I just nervous and have a bit of cold feet?

Sincerely,

Wedding Blues

Dear Wedding Blues,

As with many of the questions that I receive, so many unknown variables surround your situation that it makes it rather difficult for me to provide a definitive answer. It seems that it is not uncommon for people to develop a bit of a bipolar personality while engaged. I say that lightheartedly, but the truth is that the emotional rollercoaster that some experience is nothing to joke about.

The good news is that the majority of people who go through these ups and downs get through it fine and end up happily married. Distinguishing whether you are experiencing a normal bout of cold feet or facing rational and valid reservations needs to be looked at. Before your engagement were you happy in your relationship? Were there unresolved issues? Did you picture yourself spending the rest of your life with your fiancé, or were there characteristics and habits that held you back? What was your initial reaction to his proposal? Do you ever have times when you look forward to marrying your guy, or has your anxiety increased steadily since the engagement?

The fact that you postponed looking for a wedding dress only to cry unhappy tears once you had one on, points to the possibility that you are not yet ready to see yourself as a bride. That you are questioning yourself, your relationship and your future are positive signs that you are aware of the seriousness of the commitment that you are preparing to make.

I don’t think that anyone should make life-altering decisions without making a conscious effort to consider what they are doing. However, if you find yourself constantly mulling over the same questions or dwelling on negative responses that you may be giving yourself, this is cause to be concerned. It is okay to be nervous and unsure about the future. It is okay to feel as though you are taking a risk. What is not okay is for you to be so burdened by perpetual thoughts and emotions that you want to run for the hills. What is also not okay is for you to continue planning a wedding with a charade of happiness. Decide who you can confide in and share with them your true emotions and concerns.

Choose someone who you can trust and who knows the ins and outs of your relationship. In the end, do not get married out of obligation to family, friends, children, community or financial investment. Friends, family and children are much more disappointed and broken from a failed marriage than from a postponed or failed engagement. As for money, it is far more expensive and financially devastating to get divorced than it is to back out of wedding preparations.

Because you refer to your engagement as an ordeal, I would suggest that you take some time to seriously reflect on what it is that you want to do. If need be, postpone the wedding until you can be more secure in whether or not you are making the right decision. Your fiancé may not like it, but in the end being sure is something that you owe to not just yourself but to everyone involved.

• Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com