Dear Dr Nekia,

I am so embarrassed. My man’s mother overheard us having sex! I know that for some people this would not be a big deal, but for me it is. He is taking it pretty well, but I do not know how I am going to face her after this. He has his own apartment, but still. I just keep playing the night back over in my head hoping that there were certain things that she did not hear. What makes it worse is that I really thought that we were being quiet, so now I am second-guessing sex all together and am constantly wondering if people hear us. My man is telling me to relax, but that is easier said than done.

Sincerely,

His Mama Heard Us

Dear His Mama Heard Us,

This sort of thing tends to happen a lot and, although embarrassing, life goes on without permanent scars or trauma. However, it does have the potential to change the relationship between you and his mom and keep you from relaxing enough to enjoy sex.

If his mom is fond of you, I doubt that she will hold it against you. I am sure that she knows that as two adults, you and her son are at least somewhat sexually active. If his mom does not like you, this will fuel her negative outlook.

Without knowing more, I cannot address the situation should the latter be the case. But if you do get along with his mom, consider talking about it with her. Apologise, and assure her that you will try to be more aware of your surroundings next time. She may appreciate that you owned up and that you respect her enough to be considerate of her feelings. It is important, though, that you find a balance.

You should be respectful, yet feel enough freedom to enjoy yourself without worrying about who hears you. Look for interesting and pleasurable ways to reduce noise. Maybe you could bite on a pillow while you look at your partner teasingly, or you could put a sexual object, such as an adult toy, in your mouth. You could also bite or suck yourself or your partner. If the two of you enjoy heightened intimacy during sex, opt for positions where you can place your mouth close to his ear so you can softly vocalise your pleasure. This will keep others from hearing and will also give him motivation to continue pleasing you; men love positive feedback during sex. Placing pillows between the wall and headboard, or non-slip padding under the bed, couch and table legs all prevent furniture from moving and banging about.

When it comes to bodily noises, yes it is a turn-on for couples to hear the music that their bodies make when colliding together, but in all honesty the loud noises are unnecessary. There are techniques that one can use to get maximum thrust without creating flesh-slamming sounds. I am sure that this is an embarrassing experience for you, but do not let it consume your thoughts.

Dwelling on it will only cause awkwardness during your encounters with your man’s mom, as well as awkwardness in the bedroom. Chalk it up as one of those embarrassing moments that life throws us, and find a way to laugh about it. Laughter always makes things seem a little less traumatic and a bit more bearable.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I’m in a relationship and am really upset at my girl right now. We have been going together for two years now and I found out that she has been telling people that she is single. It is to the point that I have told girls that I am taken and they laugh at me because they hear that my so-called woman denies me. She says that she never denies me. To her, being single means that she is not married, but to me that is just a bunch of games. I am so ready to just cut her loose because I obviously don’t mean as much to her as she does to me and I ain’t got time for this.

Sincerely,

She Says She Is Single

Dear She Says She Is Single,

Hold on. Take a deep breath before you go and do something that you may regret later. It is understandable that you are angry and a bit confused and I can see why it would be shocking to you that she would think of herself as single, but let’s try and understand where she might be coming from. When you fill out legal forms and they ask for your marital status, the options usually are single, married, divorced or widowed.

“Single” is used to indicate someone who has never been legally married. It gives no insight into whether or not you are in a long-term relationship, unattached or playing the field. And if asked, it’s up to single people whether or not they want to further clarify things.

A good compromise would be for her to say something like, “Yes I am single, but I am in a long-term, monogamous, committed relationship.” With all that said, single is one of those words where the actual definition is slightly different from the cultural or social meaning.

Before you get too upset and make a judgment about your relationship, keep in mind two things.

One is that your issue may be one that is easily resolved if it is that you both need to communicate more about your understanding of what single means to each of you. You can have an open and honest conversation — not a debate, not an argument — so that you can find common ground should your points of view differ. And two, when in a relationship, try your best not to take to heart the opinions of others; especially not the opinions of members of the opposite sex who may be interested in you.

They may have let you know that your woman was “denying” you because they wanted to cast doubt on your relationship. This leaves an opening for them. It also softens the blow of rejection they might be feeling since you shut them down by stating that you are not available.

Bottom line is, try to get some understanding of what your girlfriend means when she says that she is “single”.

You may not like her response, but the more you understand about it is the more likely you will be able to avoid taking unnecessary offence and you both will be able to find common ground.

•Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com