Dear Dr Nekia,

I have always been the type of woman who can hold her own and take care of herself. And I also don’t mind being able to help my man too. In fact I enjoy doing so. But I keep finding myself in relationships where I feel like I am more of a mother to the man than anything else. It is just so difficult to find a man that can hold me down the same way that I can and am willing to hold him down.

I am dating someone right now and I am beginning to get the feeling that I am repeating the same mistakes because I notice that when I need help he cannot provide it. I really do care about him so is this a reason to end things with him?

Sincerely,

Where’s The Reciprocity

Dear Where’s The Reciprocity,

More and more I encounter women with this very same problem. And I think that we as women are missing the mark here.

First of all, it is admirable that you can take care of yourself, and it is even more admirable that you have an unselfish heart that allows you to be there for your partner in his time of need. However, we must be careful not to let our ability to be independent cloud our judgments of who is deserving of us nor let it overshadow the fact that you need reciprocity.

In other words, you need a man who has your back just as much as you have his. Far too often women find themselves in relationships with men who they cater to but get little in return.

I think many women feel good about helping and cleaning a man up. We tend to like projects and are gratified by their results. But the problem is that we stake claim to our projects and our projects are human just like us who have their own agendas.

So many women are too busy proudly flashing their independent badge of honour while picking up the slack for men to even understand the harm that they are doing. They proudly say they don’t need a man to help them, but will quickly turn around and be the first to say “I got you” to men.

So my questions to you are, if you truly do not value help and assistance during struggle or hardship as an indicator of loyalty, then why do you open up your purse when he is in need or want?

Do you not think yourself worth the same consideration, or are you too foolishly independent for that?

And these questions do not apply only with finances but apply to all forms of help or assistance. If going the extra mile is not so important in a relationship, then why do you do it?

For instance, many women would go to a man’s house to cook and clean but, when he comes to you, does he bring his tool bag without you even having to ask?

You need to stop offering the best of you thinking that it will prove your value to a man, because it will not. All you are doing is teaching these men that you are available for the taking, and they will take from you as much as you are willing to give.

Try something different. Try giving yourself the time in your relationships to allow men to prove themselves to you. Men with good intentions and real substance will, by nature, show you that they are in your corner and will have your back if ever you need them to.

But if you give all what you have to a man, he will show you the bare minimum because he has no motivation to work towards getting better. In other words, why pay for the cow when he is getting the milk for free?

This saying does not only apply to sex, but to everything relationship related. There is no need for a man to step up to the plate if you are letting him win the game while he sits back in the dugout.

My advice to you is to withhold your loyalty until you meet a man who can match what you have to offer. This does not mean that you should wait for someone who has as much money as you, but that you should hold out for a man who is willing to invest just as much of himself into you as you are into him.

He may not have the dollars that you have to be able to help you financially, but a decent man will compensate for this in other areas. For example, he may not be able to pay for the licence and insurance of the car, but he will make sure that your car is never dirty or low on gas.

Besides, a man who takes your financial help, or any other form of help that allows you to carry him is not a man at all. And you are not doing him or yourself any favours. In fact, you are only teaching him that he can be catered to in his weaknesses. A woman’s “job” is to motivate, comfort, and be the foundation for him to strengthen himself and overcome obstacles; not for you to hold his hand and pull him up or bend your back to carry him. He will never become a real man this way.

So be careful because so many men out here are so broken that they will enjoy your comforts and take the easy help. In the end they will never respect you because deep down they do not respect themselves as men. And while you will be the one who they can leech or attach on to, you will never be the one who makes them whole.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I think that I have met the perfect man for me. I know that that sounds like a cliché but it is true.

The only thing is that we argue a lot because he hasn’t had the easiest of times in his life. Sometimes I feel like he takes his frustrations out on me and that he punishes me for other things that have gone or are going wrong in his life.

We work well together and I am happy with him, but when he shuts down, he really shuts down. Sometimes I feel like I am fighting a losing battle because I can not get him to see that I am on his side, and honestly I also sometimes feel drained from the rollercoaster that he puts me on emotionally.

I have tried to talk to him about it and all he says is that if I am so unhappy then I should just leave or accept him how he is; Other times he says he doesn’t want me to give up on him because he is trying.

He says that he has trust issues, is afraid of getting hurt, and has a lot of other things going on in his life that stresses him out; and I want to be there for him but I am not getting what I need out of this relationship. I do not feel like I have all of him, and that hurts because I give him all of me. What should I do to make him see that I am a good woman to him, that we could be great together, and that he should not take me for granted?

Sincerely,

He’s Perfect But …

Dear He’s Perfect But …,

When I ask women why they are so willing to put so much time and effort into building up a man even though they are unhappy with the way that they are being treated, the number one reason is because they think that the man is worth it.

Well, what about you? Are you worth it?

You ask what can you do to make him see that you are a good woman to him, but the question that you should be asking is what is he doing to make you see that he is a good man to you.

In our quest for love, we sometimes shift focus from our own wants and needs to that of the other person. We do so in an attempt to show them our best qualities and to show them how much we care about them and have their best interest at heart.

For example, someone I was in a relationship with once told me that a young lady hit on him by saying that he looks like the kind of man that needed someone to take care of him.

Right there, without even knowing him, she was ready to offer her services and show him that she is a good woman by what she can do for him. We need to stop this kind of thinking. Why do we feel so compelled to give up so much of our time and effort to a man who cannot even show us that he is worthy of it?

I think we sell ourselves far too cheaply when it comes to the opposite sex. You need to re-shift focus back to you and have your best interests at heart.

When you journey down the road of caring about what he thinks, what he wants, what he needs, how can I help him do this or is he out there doing that, we become so consumed with him that we lose sight of ourselves. Yes, you should care about your man’s wants and needs, but not to the point where your own get pushed to the side, or you find yourself so busy trying to figure his out that you are left neglected.

It is so very easy for women to put men at the centre of their worlds, but you must always remember to put yourself at the centre, because if you do not, you will lose sight of yourself and will not like or recognise who you see in the mirror staring back at you.

Now, with all that being said, if you are being put on an emotional rollercoaster ride and are feeling drained, you need to stop kidding yourself about how ideal this man is for you because clearly he is not. Everything is great and then he shuts down or he becomes disagreeable because he is engaged in an internal battle with himself. He is fighting against his own demons and life experiences, and you are getting caught up in the war.

Be very careful that you do not become collateral damage. As I have said so many times before, you cannot expect to have a wholesome experience with a broken man or woman. Yes, you can help that man or woman to heal or to grow, but they have to be ready and willing to undergo that process of transformation for themselves.

Furthermore, do not be fooled by him saying that he is afraid of getting hurt. We all carry that fear to some degree or another and it is not an excuse for him treating you poorly. The problem is that as women, hearing a man say this pulls on our heartstrings and throws us into nurture mode, where we convince ourselves that he really wants to love but all that he needs is a good woman to love him and show him how to.

This hardly ever works because chances are, the man is not even emotionally available to accept the love that you have to give him. It is like someone who wants to change their diet to eat healthier. If the body is use to eating junk, the person has to first undergo a detox before switching to healthy eating, because the body will go into a level of shock and will not be able to even recognise the nutrients in the healthy food.

Or when you go to take your car for an oil change, the mechanic has to flush out the old oil before placing the new in. The same goes for people. If your man is not willing to go through the uncomfortable phase of letting go and clearing out everyone, everything, every thought and every habit that contributes to his struggle, hurt, and pain, then no amount of healthy loving from you or anyone else will help. All he will do is drain you and take you along for the ride down his bumpy road filled with potholes and speed bumps.

Maybe he shows you a glimpse of a man who you really could be great with; but until he is willing to be that man to you full-time, you are holding on to nothing more than hope or an idea of the man that you think he can be one day.