Dear Dr Nekia,

I have finally motivated myself to start working out. I go sometimes mornings and sometimes evenings for a brisk walk or run. The trouble is that I get unwanted attention. It is hot out so I wear breathable clothing that is not too heavy and covers my essential body parts.

Yet men are constantly beeping their horns and shouting out to me from their vehicles. Even the ones who are half way respectable and offer a friendly good morning or good evening make me feel uncomfortable because of the look in their eyes. Why is it that men feel that they can look at and treat women like pieces of meat? Honestly, all I want to do is to get out in the elements and enjoy my exercises. It makes me very uncomfortable to have all of this unwanted attention and I am considering purchasing an at-home treadmill.

Sincerely,

Unwanted Attention

Dear Unwanted attention,

The easiest thing to come to mind is to place the responsibility and thus blame on you. Perhaps you should wear less revealing clothing, or perhaps you should take your walks and jogs along less busy streets like trails.

Maybe yet still you should consider a gym membership or resort to what you are currently thinking to do by purchasing at-home exercise equipment. And if none of these solutions suits you, then maybe you should just get over it and ignore the attention because really it is not that serious. You see how very easy it is to shift focus from the real issue to blaming you?

The real issue here is that no woman should be made to feel so uncomfortable in society that she feels the need to resort to hiding in her house. Whether or not a woman wears a particular form of clothing and whether or not she is pleasing to the eye, a woman should be made to feel confident and safe enough to move about her daily routine. I do not think that men really give much thought to what they are doing when they stare at a woman with hungry eyes or when they go out of their way to make suggestive comments to women.

We as women may wonder if they even care about our feelings and how uncomfortable these situations may be but I believe that most times men sincerely are unaware that their attention and compliments are unwelcome and inappropriate.

Yes, women are very beautiful to look at, but what I think that our men are void of is sensitivity training and teachings centred around the true value and appreciation of a woman and her beauty.

Sad to say, such knowledge of beauty is lacking in both men and women, which creates a society where women become the objects of desire rather than the persons of desire. Objectification of women is one of the main causes of oversexualisation.

When you remove the humanity of women and see them as a means to an end or as a source for personal gain and gratification, you strip them of any dignity and find it easy to place blame on them for whatever it is that may happen to them. It becomes effortless to rationalise why she was sexually assaulted, why her reputation was ruined, or why she receives the negative attention that she does from men.

Objectification allows room for men to excuse themselves of any responsibility for themselves during their interactions with women. This is because they view women as tools or a means to an end.

And worse is that this is such a way of life that a lot of women are made to question themselves and feel guilty about their expression of sexuality while becoming ashamed of their bodies.

By you resorting to working out at home, you essentially are saying that you do not feel that you have the freedom to be out and about in the world to experience it the way that you choose. And this is a problem. Yet in the end, the answer to your question of why is it that men think that they can look at and treat women like pieces of meat is… because they can.

As a whole, our society gives them that permission. They are encouraged to do so. Turn on the television, listen to the radio, open a magazine, or browse social media sites and it will not take you long to see that sex is used to sell everything. And once you attach the physical appeal of women’s bodies to commodity, you subconsciously attach price to her.

Thus she becomes an object of commodity rather than a real person. And if she wants any hope at being treated in a respectful manner, she is to downplay her sexuality by being, at the very least, modest in clothing, and discerning of where she goes.

Dear Dr. Nekia,

My husband wants to indulge in anal sex and I am strictly against it. I was molested as a teenager and my virginity was taken by a family friend so there are certain sexual things that I am very uncomfortable with.

He knew this before we got married but says that I am now his wife so I should be more willing and comfortable with pleasing him. The more he pushes, the more I do not want to do it.

I tried it with him once and we didn’t get very far because I just got really angry and shoved him off of me. Is there something wrong with me? Is he right? Because I do sometimes feel guilty and I do not want him to turn to another woman to get his needs met.

Sincerely,

No Anal Sex

Dear No Anal Sex,

Anal sex is not a need. Your dilemma has nothing to do with being comfortable enough to please him. In fact, it is not about him at all. When our partners and spouses do not give us what we want, we can quickly make it about us when really it is more about our partners and what they are thinking, feeling, and experiencing. Your husband may have known about your misfortune before marrying you but he does not yet understand it or the depth to which it has affected you.

It can be very difficult for men to imagine the level of violation that a female experiences as a direct result of sexual assault. And quite often even when sympathetic to it, men feel helpless because they can not go back in time to prevent the event or do or say anything to take away the memories and resulting pain of your horrible experience.

Men do not like to feel helpless, and when they do, they can sometimes come across as being crude or judgmental. In this case, they can sometimes just wish that the woman he loves would just get over it.

Understand that it is more about a freeing of his awareness of his very own powerlessness than an attack on you. Nevertheless, a woman should never be made to feel guilty for not wanting to engage in any form of sexual activity that she does not want to take part in. This is even more true for women who have been assaulted because force and coercion often trigger memories of their assault.

In essence, what may be a strong request of sexual pleasure to him, easily becomes another assault to the woman because she once again finds herself in a position where something sexual that she does not want to experience is being demanded of her.

As a wife, this can also turn to guilt as you begin to attach your sexuality to your trauma and feel that you can not be a complete woman to your husband.

If you are not careful, you can find yourself in a downward spiral where guilt is at your centre. You will feel residual guilt from your initial assault as well as guilt from whatever you are currently going through with your husband.

You need to know that none of this is your fault and that none of it determines who you are as a woman. But, of course, I do understand that being told this is not enough to get you to believe it. I would strongly encourage that both you end your husband seek counselling. You will learn how to deal with your own internal thoughts and feelings while he will learn how to better understand, support, and communicate with you.

• Furthermore, anal sex is a very invasive act in and of itself and many women are reluctant to try it or find it difficult to enjoy whether or not they have been sexually assaulted. So there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Try your best to not feel guilty to the point where you begin to fear that your husband will turn away from you. None of this is your fault.

Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com