Dear Dr Nekia,

I was recently in a long-term relationship and am having to rebuild my life over. I gave ten years to that relationship and I really thought that she was the one.

We have both moved on and I am cool with that, but I am finding it difficult to find myself again. I have the same old friends as I had before the relationship and they haven’t grown much, so I find that I am doing the same things I did ten years ago. To me it seems ridiculous because it is beginning to feel like I am stuck back in my 30s when I should have matured.

Is there any advice that you can give me?

Sincerely,

Broken Up, Now Stuck

Dear Broken Up, Now Stuck,

It is natural that the longer we are with someone, the more we share a common identity. This is not a bad thing; it is a part of the bonding process.

However, it is also the source of much of the heartache and difficulty with moving on. Many people choose to stay in less-than-happy relationships because of the fear of separation. You must allow yourself time to mourn the loss of the relationship and let go of who you thought you were.

Rediscovering yourself is a necessary task, but it doesn’t have to be a painful one. What you will want to do is to begin focusing more on the positive possibilities of who you are, rather than the loss of who you thought you would be. You now have the freedom to explore life however you choose.

Write a list of your hobbies and things that you would like to accomplish, and then start checking things off that list by making steps to fulfil them.

You may need some time alone, away from friends and family, to regroup and gather yourself.

This is not an invitation to slip into isolation and depression, but it is a suggestion for some much needed self time. The more time you spend doing meaningless things with your old buddies, the more frustrated you will become. Accept the fact that these friendships do not offer what you need at this time although it is fine to keep them as friends.

If you have any friends or colleagues you admire, who you see making progressive steps in their own personal lives, these are the people you will want to hang around so that you can soak up some of their positive energy.

During this process of rediscovery and rebuilding, try not to be too hard on yourself. Do not beat yourself up for goals you have not accomplished. You are your best investment, so take a deep breath and enjoy the most precious gift that has been given to you — yourself.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I am having a hard time playing stepmommy to my sweetie’s child. I have no children of my own so I have no clue what to do. I don’t even know what to say or what to feed him and I know that there will come a time when my sweetie will ask me to help him out by babysitting and I am just terrified. Aren’t women supposed to be naturally motherly and nurturing? What if he leaves me for someone else who can be more of a mother figure? I really do love him and don’t want to lose him so please help me.

Sincerely,

Nervous Step Mom

Dear Nervous Step Mom,

Have you had this talk with your sweetie? It would be good to get an honest perspective on what he is expecting from you. It is perfectly okay for you to be nervous about the responsibility of caring for someone else’s child when you do not have any children of your own.

Yes, some women have a sixth sense about things but for the rest of us, we need to learn how to become comfortable relating to a child.

This is especially true if you are an intellectual or an introvert, or very focused on your career. Such people tend to have harder time knowing how to meet a child at their age-appropriate social level. The best way to get along with children is to view the world through the eyes of your inner child. Unfortunately, some of us lose sight of our inner child as we mature, so it takes practice getting reacquainted.

Although you may have been fed ideas of what a mother looks like, talks like and acts like, it does not mean that this has to be your truth — and you shouldn’t let the fact that you do not fit into a box make you feel like less than a woman. Lastly, try to keep in mind that he chose you for a reason. By having honest discussions about how you both perceive things, you can work towards slowly making the necessary changes that will benefit everyone involved. He should be understanding and have patience with you — which will allow you to ease into your role as a mother in his son’s life — and you should remain open to the new experiences.

A man who truly loves you will be honoured that you put forth an honest effort, even if you do fail at times.

Have fun getting to know his son. Laugh at the mistakes along the way, and remember that no one is asking you to be his mother. Your role is to support the father in raising his child. If things do reach a point where you do have to be the primary mother figure for his son, we will have to revisit this topic, because you will need further advice. Until then, enjoy bonding with your little guy and your big guy, at your own pace and comfort level.

• Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com