In a conversation recently I was told I was being aggressive. “Emphatic” is the word I would have used, but in truth it was more a spat than a chat so, being caught up in the heat of the moment, perhaps I’m not the best judge.

I’m a firm believer that our communication is only as good as the response we get,so I decided to take a closer look at what I was saying or, more importantly, how I was saying it.

What does aggressive behaviour look like? There’s the sharp tone, loud voice, pointing finger, invading someone else’s body space, the hard stare with a jutting jaw — aggression involves blaming others for what goes wrong and not taking personal responsibility for one’s actions and feelings.

It includes a lot of use of the word “I” and plenty of “you should” and often, more than a hint of sarcasm. Ah yes, sarcasm. Fired up, that’s my weapon of choice.

We’ve all seen aggression in action. It’s not pretty, but it’s easy to slip into, especially if we are feeling attacked or under threat from others. By this, I don’t just mean physical threat.

If we feel we are not being heard, respected, or treated fairly, or our personal values are at risk, these can trigger a threat response. Being aggressive is alluring because it makes us feel more powerful and in control, although sometimes guilty afterwards.

It does not, however, solve the issues. People just become afraid of aggressors, harbouring hurt, anger and resentment towards them. Anyone trying to lead through dominance and aggression will find others preferring to avoid them, not wanting to talk through problems or find solutions.

In a work setting, staff often lose the ability to take initiative, instead waiting for “orders” from an aggressive boss or colleague, while general low morale and negativity plague the group.

Aggression is counterproductive, but it’s opposite, passiveness, isn’t the way to go either. I know, because this, unfortunately, is the direction my communication tends to lean most of the time — attributed to the enduring effects of my British-style upbringing and its strong emphasis on being polite.

It seems particularly English to fear that saying what we want or need or think is somehow rude or aggressive. That giving in to others is courteous and speaking out, with its potential of causing conflict, is the height of bad manners.

We all know those people who apologise for everything and would rather suffer in silence than speak up, but it’s easy for anyone to assume that we will please others by not disagreeing with them.

Passive behaviour, with its self-effacing, apologetic cowering: sorry but could you just possibly, maybe, if it wouldn’t be too much trouble, do this thing? But if not, that’s OK, never mind (I’m not worth it anyway). Yup, that sounds frighteningly familiar actually.

However, passive people get all cross inside when they don’t get what they want. They feel sorry for themselves, like a victim, and think the world considers them insignificant. This can lead to bitterness and even desires for vengeance.

Meanwhile, other people just feel sorry for those stuck in passiveness, or get irritated that they can’t make a decision or stand up for what they want, or feel lied to because they haven’t been told the whole truth and so don’t know where they stand with them.

I also think there’s only so much passiveness one can dole out. Being treated like a doormat, even if it was of our own volition, can sometimes reach a tipping point.

And how do you think that expresses itself? A full-on, red mist descending, loss of control, pointing, yelling, “You never do this, you always do that” burst of pure aggression. Me speaking from experience? OK, I admit it. Yes, it’s happened.

So what to do? Both ends of the spectrum are alienating and unproductive, but if we’re not aggressive and we’re not passive, what are we?

Assertive.

Next week, I’ll be breaking down what real assertiveness is and how we can get there so we can ask for what we want — and keep our friends while we’re at it.

• Julia Pitt is a trained success coach and certified NLP practitioner on the team at Benedict Associates. For further information contact Julia on 705-7488, www.juliapittcoaching.com.