Dear Dr Nekia,

With all the talk of what is going on in our community, do you think that single mothers really are to blame? I hear so many negative things being said about single moms — who struggle to raise boys the best they know how — but are they really the source of the problem? Aren’t our absent fathers and silent men more to blame?

Sincerely,

Finding The Source

Dear Finding The Source,

I rarely get political in my answers but this question cannot be answered without opening that envelope. I have to ask, whose community are you talking about? While what affects one affects all in the greater sense of things, the reality is that it is quite easy to block out things that do not directly affect your neighbourhood.

Next, assuming that you are addressing the antisocial behaviour of a select few, we must gather the facts on how many of our young men are being raised by single mothers. The notion of absent fathers is highly exaggerated, however, it very well may be that the majority of “at-risk” youths are being raised primarily by their mothers.

If this is the case, we then need to face a few facts. One is that a woman cannot raise a boy to be a man. She can mother him, but she cannot father him. She can provide for him and teach him and guide him as best she knows how, but she can only perceive what she thinks a man is and should be.

Next, we must stop casting blame because this only keeps us divided. Is it a fact that there are single mothers raising sons who suffer because they lack positive male guidance? Yes. Is it also a fact that mothers tend to over nurture their boys and make it difficult for fathers to parent their sons? Yes. Is it a fact that both of these contribute to the unfortunate cycle that our lost boys find themselves in? Yes. So who is to blame is really a chicken and egg debate.

We pretty much can pinpoint the social issues that plague our families who make up our ailing communities, so let’s now focus on solutions to interrupting the cycle. We cannot continue to blame single mothers or absent fathers thinking it will get us anywhere. We must begin to make a conscious decision and a concrete effort towards mending our male/female relationships so that our children will stop suffering. When we learn to come together as a team, we can rebuild our families, which will in turn rebuild our communities, which will in turn provide the backbone for our economic empowerment and lead to an improvement in our social condition. This will not be an easy road, but understand that no one will do it for us. This is the reality that we see today, so we must stop pointing fingers and waiting to be rescued. We are one another’s answer.

Dear Dr Nekia,

I have been seeing a guy for a while and things are going good. The sex is really good. The problem is that I don’t feel much intimacy during it.

There is foreplay and we fall asleep together after we are done, but it feels disconnected to me. There is not much kissing, eye contact, or caressing unless he is touching me to get me turned on. He hardly makes any noise and if he does, it’s to talk dirty. He gets the job done but in between the start and finish it feels more like I’m someone he is hooking up with. Do men understand that there is a difference between hooking up and making love?

Sincerely,

Sexual Differences

Dear Sexual Differences,

Have you discussed this with him? It may be that you simply have different styles of having sex, or it may be something else. It is not uncommon for men to communicate the way that they feel during sex so we should pay attention to what they say to us through their sexual interactions with us.

But be very careful to know the kind of man you are dealing with before you go psychoanalysing his performance. Some men only know how to sex a female one way. These men have not learnt variety and they basically disconnect while between the sheets.

They tend to either act on animalistic impulses or are emotionally driven to be intimate — and then there are those who are indifferent. Ask him about his fantasies and his past sexual experiences. Try to find out what makes him tick sexually and if he has ever been more engaging during sex. From there you can discover whether or not he is willing to learn to be more intimate.

If he simply does not know how or has never experienced anything outside of what he is giving you, this can be fixed with a bit of creativity and effort. But if it is something else, then you will have to address this issue a bit differently.

As I said, men communicate through sex. They develop their own personal language and, quite often, reserve intimate acts for women they are opening up to and who they see as being worth investing a future in.

Contrary to what we may think, it is not that men do not enjoy kissing, caressing, looking us in our eyes, or incorporating romance into sex, many just don’t like doing that with women they don’t feel connected with.

Although they may do a great job of hiding it, sex can be a very vulnerable time for males. You have to figure out if it is his style or a deeper reason why your guy is avoiding intimacy. Since this is an issue that is bothering you, I think it is time that you put your detective cap on and get to know him on a deeper level.

Take some time to learn who he is sexually and don’t just assume or expect him to be one way or another.

Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com