Dear Dr Nekia,

I do not know one woman whose man has not cheated or is not cheating. Do all men cheat? Why is it so hard for them to be faithful? Should we women just accept the fact that men cannot just be happy with one woman?

Sincerely,

Do All Men Cheat?

Dear Do All Men Cheat,

When looking at relationships and their many flaws, it’s easy to slip into a place of hopeless perception. We begin to perceive the world and relevant situations from a single point of view, validated by our experience.

Depending on whether our experiences work for or against us, this can be very empowering or very dangerous. The truth is that men are not programmed or designed to want more than one woman. It is not their nature to jump from woman to woman and it is not inevitable that men in relationships will be unfaithful.

The issue is not about gender. The reality is that as much as we women preach and play the role of being the faithful doting girlfriend and wife, we cheat too. And our methods and reasons for cheating are no more valid than those of men. What it comes down to is what makes the individual cheat, and what motivates the person cheated on to accept and normalise the betrayal.

Is monogamy for everyone? Maybe not. However cheating is more about the deception, pain, and destructive behaviours involved. We must understand and remedy the issues that cause us to seek refuge in the bed of others instead of finding resolve and peace within ourselves. Cheating is never about the other man or woman, and it is hardly ever about the failing relationship between two people.

Cheating always has been and will be a personal decision made by the broken. If we women subscribe to the belief that all men cheat, we deny our personal responsibility by allowing it to take up residence in our lives.

While it may be easier to accept that men cheat, it is far more beneficial to us all if we accept the reality that our men need to be strengthened, seasoned, and matured so that sex does not define nor remedy their false and very fragile perception of manhood. Sure, there will always be men and women who will be readily available to those who choose to be unfaithful to their partners — do not make it about them. Intent, action and consequence lies within the cheater, the person at the centre of the infidelity.

Dear Dr Nekia,

My man and I got in an argument which led to a brief break-up. Since then, we have talked things out and are back together. During the break-up, I deleted him as a Facebook friend and now that we are back together he refuses to add me. Should I be suspicious of this? Does he not want people to know that we are together? He says he won’t add me back because I should have not deleted him in the first place, but I explained to him that I did so because I did not want to keep seeing him show up on my newsfeed every time I went on. I really do not think that he is being fair.

Sincerely,

Facebook Enemies

Dear Facebook Enemies,

Couples argue all the time. It is normal and, sometimes, breaking up is part of a growing relationship. However, during fights and break-ups, things can be said and done that leave a scar that reaches beyond the make-up sex. This is why it is very important that we fight fair and be sure not to do or say anything in anger out of spite. This is a lot easier said than done, but it is very possible. Now, should you be suspicious of his choosing not to add you? Probably not. It seems that this is more about punishing you than anything else. Maybe he is trying to make you feel a bit of what he may have felt when you essentially deleted him from your life. I can see how it may have been a bit much for you to see his name constantly popping up, when all you were trying to do was numb your feelings and put him out of your mind. But, you see, as hard and as tough as men play, they have feelings too and if he cared anything about you, it hurt him to see that you could discard him so easily.

From his point of view, you told him that he had no place in your life, not even in your virtual one. So if you wanted to hurt him, congratulations, you did. And if you wanted to send him a clear message, congratulations because you did that too. What you haven’t done yet is mend his broken faith in your permanence in his life.

It is very important to men that they feel that they can rely upon a woman to stick by them through the good and bad. Men can find it very difficult to reveal their insecurities, faults and weaknesses so we women must watch the petty and vindictive games that we play and we must learn that if there is any chance of reconciliation, we have to be strategic and effective in the way that we fight. But yes, ultimately he should add you because it is important that couples include one another in the various arenas of life.

Excluding you is essentially alienating you and prolonging the fight. In the long run it will not be good for your relationship and, if it is worth saving, you both need to hash things out completely so that you can move forward together.

• Want relationship advice? E-mail nakedtruth@royalgazette.com