All right folks, gather around because I’ve had an epiphany, and trust me, it is not about the latest diet trend or a new conspiracy theory about why pigeons might be government spies. I have recently been on the job hunt and noticed the uncanny resemblance between job-hunting and dating. Move over, Tinder, Bumble and all those dating apps — make room for Indeed, LinkedIn and Glassdoor. Care to swipe right on my résumé?

LinkedIn: your professional dating profile

I’ve got to say, if job interviews were dates, then LinkedIn is the Tinder of the corporate world. LinkedIn is basically your dating history on display. Some you’re proud of, others? Not so much. “Oh, remember that two-month stint at that start-up? Yeah, let’s not talk about that.” LinkedIn, a digital shrine of our professional exes. Some were brief summer flings, others decade-long commitments, and a few you would rather forget you ever “dated”.

Corporate love letter

Let’s be honest, in both dating and job-hunting, we all do a little ... erm... “research”. “Oh, you love blue? I just so happened to wear a blue tie for our interview. Pure coincidence!” It is the equivalent of “accidentally” bumping into your crush at their favourite coffee shop. Except in this case, you’re not “accidentally” running into your crush at their favourite coffee shop; you’re strategically cornering the CEO in the elevator, armed with an “elevator pitch” that has been rehearsed more times than your own name. Talk about a vertical meet-cute!

Now, imagine sliding into the DMs of a company with your résumé like, “Hey, I saw you on Glassdoor, and I think we’d vibe really well together.” But instead of asking for a coffee, you’re asking for a lifetime commitment — or at least until the next recession. It’s a bit forward, don’t you think? Well, welcome to the world of cover letters and CVs.

Here is where it gets even weirder. Writing a cover letter is like crafting the most passionate love letter, professing your undying dedication. “Dear Company X, I’ve always dreamt of working for you. I love how you make those thingamajigs. Let's grow old together in the corporate park.” After all, nothing screams dedication like pouring hours into a 300-word love letter, convincing someone you have never met that you’re “The One”. And by “The One”, I mean the ideal candidate. It’s the kind of visualisation where you imagine the house, the two children, and the golden retriever, except replace those with a cubicle, two coffee breaks, and that one colleague who reheats fish in the office microwave.

The Job Checklist: must love dogs … and Excel

Every job has its lofty requirements, much like those dating profiles that demand: “Looking for someone over 6ft, with a PhD, a pension plan, and the ability to cook.” You might think, “Well, I may not be 6ft tall or a culinary wizard, but I can heat up a mean frozen pizza.” Just when you’re feeling that spark, confident that your pizza skills are your secret weapon, the job market — or your date — hits you with, “It’s not you, it’s your lack of ten years’ of experience for an entry-level job.”

The date ... err ... I mean interview

Ah, the first interview — the corporate world’s equivalent of a first date. You’re there, sitting in the lobby, palms sweaty, knees weak, arms heavy. Seriously, you’re one “Mom’s spaghetti” away from a full Eminem lyric. You’re rehearsing your lines like you are auditioning for a Broadway show: “Why do I want to work here? Please, I’ve been daydreaming about insurance claims since the age of 5 when I used to play ‘Claims Adjuster’ with my action figures!”

But then comes the whopper: “Where do you see yourself in five years?” Internally, you’re like, “Hopefully, not still figuring out how to adult.” But you pivot: “Oh, you mean on the job? Right, right, obviously.”

The waiting game: will they, won’t they?

Post-interview, it’s like the aftermath of an electrifying date: you’re glancing at your phone every five minutes and obsessively refreshing your e-mail, hoping for that spark of mutual interest. Heck, even spam gets a cheer these days — after all, it is nice to see someone, anyone, making moves in your inbox!

When companies ghost: silent rejection

Ever been ghosted by a date? Try being ghosted by an entire company. It’s as if they convened a board meeting and unanimously voted, “Let’s just not tell Christian he’s not The One. He’ll figure it out — eventually.” And when you finally gather enough courage to ask for feedback? “Oh, we’re swamped with other ... err ...dates, I mean candidates!” Priceless.

So, the next time you’re left staring at your phone, wondering why neither your date nor your dream job has texted you back, just remember — they might be about to hit you with the ultimate line of rejection, only it will be coming from a no-reply e-mail instead of a dating app. Classic.

The Job Offer: saying ‘I do’ to employment

Ah, the euphoria of a job offer — it’s like the corporate “You can feel it, can’t you? Today’s the day your employment status goes from ‘It’s complicated’ to ‘In a committed relationship’.” You didn’t just nail the interview; you romanced it, wooed it, maybe even wrote it a sonnet. No ghosting here, folks. Instead, they’re begging you for a second, third, and hey, why not, a fourth interview — talk about playing hard to get!

And then it happens: you’re ready to pop the question — or, rather, they are. Except instead of a diamond ring, they’re offering you a shiny new job title. The moment feels like a classic marriage proposal, where you are the blushing bride-to-be, ready to scream, “Yes, I do!” to the heavens. And just like that, you’re hitched, corporate-style.

In this wondrous digital age, whether you are vying for a swipe right or an invite to the company gala, remember: the game of love and the hunt for employment are shockingly similar. Remember to use your trusty LinkedIn to be your matchmaker and your CV to wingman you to that first date or interview. So, folks, suit up! And remember, there are plenty of companies in the sea. So, if anyone knows a job, I mean, a date … no, I mean a job that’s right for me — swipe right.

• Christian Chin-Gurret is a Bermudian writer with a Master of Science in Innovation and Entrepreneurship and a Bachelor of Science in Product Design, who offers a unique perspective on shaping the future of business through innovation, disruption and technology. He can be reached at https://www.linkedin.com/in/christianchingurret/