THERE have been a number of angry letters in the newspapers recently about new laws going into effect requiring seatbelts for adults and booster seats for small children. After considering the situation for every angle I have come to the conclusion that Bermuda does not need seatbelts for a number of reasons. I have outlined these reasons in the following paragraphs.

The first reason is Bermudian physiology. The Bermudian body is superior to bodies in all other parts of the world. Of particular note is an extra set of muscles in the left arm of Bermudian mothers. Scientists theorise that this mutation is due to something in the water in the maternity ward at King Edward VII Memorial Hospital. This left arm extended is far better at stopping a small child from becoming a human cannonball during sudden stops than a booster seat or seatbelt.

The Bermudian mother's arm is not only superstrong, but also contains special elastic properties. Bermudian mothers were the inspiration for the old cartoon, Elastic Man. Not only can Super Mom stop the kid in the front seat from slamming his head against the dash board with an outstretched arm, but she can also stretch it all the way around to protect the three children dancing on the back seat. Booster seats? Seatbelts? Pshaw! Pooh!

Strong arms are not our only island advantage. The average Bermudian parent, particularly those who call radio talks shows, have extrasensory powers. They know all that has happened in the past and all that will happen in the future. They know the names of all the people who have died in car accidents in Bermuda and also all the children who have appeared at King Edward Memorial VII for head injuries obtained when their mother stopped short for the morning trash truck.

With one blink of the eye they can tabulate all the statistics and deduce that seatbelts are completely unnecessary. Therefore, all the safety precautions that normal people who love their children take in other countries are completely unnecessary in Bermuda.

It is the unique specialness of Bermudian children that also makes seatbelts a frivolity cooked up by the Road Safety Council to slowly erode away all our basic freedoms.

Babies in other countries are born with soft skulls that only fuse together as the child nears adulthood, but Bermudian children start out with superthick, hard skulls that not even the trauma of being tossed against the windshield can crack. This is why Bermudian parents send their children out on pedal bikes, along the main road, with no traffic skills, adult supervision or protective head gear. Why worry, kids are expendable.

Other reasons not to wear seatbelts include the situation on Bermuda roads. Bermuda, as they say is another world. Here in Bermuda Lalaland everybody drives exactly at the speed limit, sometimes under it because we are all such good citizens. Drivers are courteous, helpful and go out of their way to avoid endangering other road users. Cats never veer in front of a car and if they did local drivers would run right over them without a bit of pressure on the gas. Trash trucks always drive on the correct side of the road and never brake suddenly. Sixteen year-olds on suped up motorbikes never come flying from the opposite direction and smash through the windshield of oncoming cars. Tourists never forget what side of the road they should be driving on. Members of parliament don't try to overtake other drivers while gabbing away on cellular phones and fiddling with the radio. No, nothing bad every happens on Bermuda roads. Fatal traffic accidents only happen somewhere else and bad things only happen to other people.

Also, it is a good idea not to wear seatbelts because in the Bermudian way of thinking to prepare for disaster is to invite disaster. A friend of mine refuses to sign an organ donor card, because to do so would bring on death that much faster. It is much better to laugh in the face of danger. Ha ha ha. In fact, you should always put your children right in the path of danger to show fate that you are not afraid. By sneering at basic safety precautions that have saved thousands of lives around the world, Bermudians are ready for whatever life holds for them and their children. After all, we all have these super-duper, elastic left arms, right? With that rock-hard, bendy arm, Bermuda is unstoppable (and so are our children).

As a side bar, this is a note to the man who called up the talks shows, sobbing because the new regulations would require his 80-pound girlfriend to use a booster seat. Since he didn't have one, he was afraid she might find somebody else to love; somebody with seatbelts installed in their car, and a seat that would allow her to see over the dashboard. Here's a thought mate, Try dating adults.