CHILL winds are the Major Irritant of the Week.

Last week, as we left Bermuda, I stood on the airplane steps and shivered. For some reason Delta decided to board 90 per cent of the plane through the back steps and ten per cent through the front steps.

The result was pandemonium. For ten minutes I stood on those steps hoping to catch sight of the airplane door. While standing there, I had plenty of time to think of a better way to board. For example, the airplane could call each seat row individually.

The last row of the plane boards first through the front. Then second to last, then third to last and so on. So the people trying to take their seats don't block anyone else. Or, of course, there's the more complicated and sophisticated plan of using both airplane boarding stairs at once.

Now back in Boston, I think fondly of all that shivering I did waiting to get on the plane. What was it, 69 degrees Fahrenheit or something? What I wouldn't give to be back in 69-degree weather. Today the high will be 15 degrees Fahrenheit and a low of minus 1 degree Fahrenheit.

This morning they issued an urgent severe weather alert. The weather report went something like: "Arctic air will remain over Southern New England through Wednesday. The very cold air mass, combined with a brisk northwest winds, may produce wind-chill values of -25 to -35 degrees Fahrenheit."

My grandmother always said an ill wind blows from the east. I have a new one. An ill wind blows from the east, but a CHILL (very chill) wind definitely blows from the north. It takes us 15 minutes just to get suited up to go outside.

Most of that 15 minutes is spent running around trying to find where we threw our hats, gloves, scarves, overcoats, undercoats and leggings the last time we came back inside from the cold.

The cold isn't the most difficult thing about being out here, mostly because I try to avoid being out in it for more than a few minutes a day. It's the heat. The intense heat. That's right, heat.

Like most apartment buildings around here, the heat is cranked up to 90 degrees indoors and we have no thermostat to counteract it. In Bermuda, where it was damp with no central heating, we got a lot of use out of our Christmas pyjamas but in Boston we had to pull out our summer things to wear around the apartment.

It is not only hot in our apartment, it is drier than the Sahara Desert in mid-summer. There are all sorts of home remedies floating around about counteracting the dryness. A friend suggested we put a pan of water in front of the radiator. She said the water would evaporate and humidify the air.

After three days the same amount of water was still in the pan except for about an inch that splashed out when I tripped over it and the bottom of the pan had turned orange. It's still dry and now our pans are rusty.

Another friend suggests we leave a pot on low heat on the stove so the water evaporates into the air. I think I'll wait until I need my pots a little less before I try that one. I have visions of me forgetting the pot on the stove altogether and burning the place down.

To cope with the dryness we have various creams. I have lotion for my hands, some lilac-smelling stuff to grease the inside of my nose, lip balm and lately I've been considering getting some eye drops.

The trouble is, I can never find any of these products when I need them. I think they are all lined up squarely beside my bed, and when I go to use them they are all gone. I spend half an hour madly searching my apartment (a small apartment) for my lip balm. But it's no use, it's gone.

I swear there's a little man around who steals my things. Whoever he is, he has very dry lips.