I WAS actually going to write about food this week (surprise, surprise) which is meant to be the raison d'etre of my column - but somehow or other I managed to get distracted..Too many fish frying in other areas of my life, too many odd developments in my own curious little nook of the cosmos.

Let's be realistic: there isn't enough going on on the culinary scene in Bermuda to actually fill a weekly column with lively and informative tittle-tattle on food and restaurants. Since I can't always keep your taste-buds titillated with reviews and recipes, hence the dog-legged detours into other areas of my life.

However, this week I thought that I had a real find for you.

I had been told by two different sources about a terrific new restaurant that recently opened (or, in fact, had been taken over by a new culinary team) in the terra incognita that lies beyond Warwick.

I was desperate to go and investigate.

Well, it turned out to be something of a disaster for the four of us who went (it was meant to be six but I think that the other two must have had a premonition). As a result of the meal, two members of my Saturday night expedition to the western parishes spent most of the early hours of Sunday morning paying homage to the great white porcelain thunderbox (as my friend John Connell so very aptly puts it).

I guess he is entitled to call it whatever he likes as he was the one who saw more of it than the rest of us. I, luckily, was saved this most unpleasant fate due to the fact I have a stomach like a cement mixer.

The food at this establishment clearly doesn't warrant a single positive mention, so I won't name the restaurant in question. I think it's only fair to give them a second chance due to the fact they are obviously experiencing some serious teething problems. But I will definitely wait quite some time before revisiting - in fact probably not until their six-year-old molars are well established.

We had the honour of the aforementioned JC's presence from his residence in Ann Arbor, Michigan due to the fact that our mutual friend Barbara had insisted on celebrating her birthday (the one that we all dread) virtually every day of last week.

She, most unfortunately, has at her vast age been forced to adopt a new mode of transport to work from her home in St. Georges. Barbara is now bussing it due to forces beyond her control (the anti-fun squad were out).

However, her annoyance at being off the road has been somewhat off-set by the fact she is a passenger on the route of Bermuda's coolest bus driver, MsVeneeka Outerbridge.

Ms. Outerbridge, it seems, plays really hot tunes during the journey into Hamilton and really gets the commuters jumping. Barbara is determined that before long the 8 a.m. bus from St. Georges to Hamilton will become a disco bus with either she or Veneeka as the D.J. People will be queuing at bus stops all along that route into town desperate to get on board the funk bus for a quick boogie and/or aerobic work-out before arriving at the office.

I can see that this will probably start a trend. Before long there will be early morning disco busses on most routes and this may even put Johnnie Barnes out of a job because all of the passengers will be too busy bopping to wave.

The culmination of the week's events was at an unbelievable party, which started at Bistro J for cocktails followed by a delectable dinner at Port O' Call. It is a superb venue for a party if you are thinking of having one; the staff are so professional and friendly that the whole thing went off without a hitch.

Barbara has something of an Imelda Marcos-type shoe fetish so consequently the flowers on the table were all arranged (courtesy of Suzie Sickling - flower arranger extraordinaire) in stilettos and other footwear that would have most suitable for the employees at a bordello. The effect was very cool, and of course, an extremely novel idea. Maybe you should try it at home if you are having a dinner party and have some kinky shoes lying around and a few spare hibiscus on the hedge; I'm sure that your guests would be most impressed. Leigh Hawke provided the disco, which was superb.

Every old song that you knew and loved from the '60s and '70s was played. We danced up a storm - actually more like a hurricane. By the end of it we all looked like bedraggled racehorses, with some people even foaming at the mouth.

The evening ended with some of us going back to Mr. Connell's house for a post-party party. He had invited us over earlier in the evening (in what was clearly a weak moment) to sit on the terrace and toast Barbara one more time(s).

Mr. Connell was not in evidence when we arrived at his pied a terre, nor when some of us eventually departed. In fact, he called me the next morning to see whether or not anyone had actually come back to the house after finishing up at the Port O'Call. Poor boy had travelled all the way from Detroit the day of the party, so no doubt he was suffering from terrible jet lag and collapsed in his bed as soon as he returned from Hamilton.

I'm sure he was jolted out this reverie when I told him that yes, indeed, there had been visitors in the wee hours - some still in attendance in a reclining sort of way! - and there would be a very large deposit at the bottle bank that week.

Every now and then when I mention him in Wild Thyme! John does threaten that he'll sue me for defamation of character; today could be the day! Not that he'd have a leg to stand on (doesn't usually even at the best of times) but it will be too late anyway because by the time that the Mid-Ocean News comes out on Friday I will be long gone and (no doubt hiding at a safe-house John won't be able to find) in London.

My younger son Somers is finishing school - not, surprisingly enough, because of any of the stunts he's pulled but because this is it; he's finished. He's graduating. It's the end of an era in his life and I am going over for the celebrations. Of course as you know you don't actually "graduate" from English schools; you sit your "A" level examinations when you are 18, get the results in August and then decide what happens next. Hopefully, in his case, it won't be stacking supermarket shelves (even though he is very bright, academics are secondary to extra-curricular activities). I know that he will surprise us all and become some sort of high flyer, maybe in the banking world - but not at John's bottle bank!

They would, in fact, make a good team as the two of them bonded when Somers was a smallish boy. Well, he's never actually been small to tell the truth. He was once interviewed for an English newspaper when he was about five, being the youngest player for Richmond Rugby Club. Even then the journalist said that he was built like a mini-brick convenience and would some day make someone a formidable prop forward.

The bonding session with Johnnie happened when he had managed to get up onto the roof of their house and we were trying to coax him down. He must have been about four or fiveand probably weighed about 100 pounds. Without warning - and with a huge grin on his face - he leapt from the roof onto Johnnie's back, which was definitely a sight to behold.

This, needless to say, put JC out of commission for several days. We thought that it served him right because he had had the audacity to have been wearing a Speedo bathing suit which one of us girlies had chucked up on the roof - and which Somers had gone up to retrieve. The Speedo was never seen again, thank God!

As I mentioned I will be over in the UK for the next few weeks and shall report to you from there. In the meantime try out this superb recipe from Sybil Kapoor. The sugary salty marinade for the beef is absolutely divine!

Sweet Spiced Beef with Green Beans

(you need to marinate the beef for 36-48 hours)

Serves 4

2 tablespoons sunflower oil, 1-pound beef tenderloin (if you are a huge carnivore I would use more beef than this and then adjust the marinade accordingly) marinade - 1/2 cup light brown sugar, 1/3 cup coarse sea salt, 1 1/2 teaspoons ground star anise (if you can't find it already ground, buy it whole and grind it in a coffee grinder) 1 1/2 tablespoons finely chopped ginger, 3 cloves garlic, finely chopped, finely grated zest of 2 lemons, 1-2 red chillies finely sliced, 1/2 cup soy sauce, 1/2 cup sesame oil salad, 10-ounces fine green beans, 1 head each of red and white endives, 1 small red onion, finely sliced, 1/2 teaspoon hone, 1 clove garlic finely chopped, 1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice, 3 tablespoons walnut oil, salt and freshly ground black pepper

Mix the ingredients for the marinade together, stick into a Ziplock bag just large enough to hold the beef, put the beef in, seal the bag and refrigerate, turning it around in the marinade every now and then.

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees. Heat the sunflower oil in a large pan and when hot, add the beef and brown on all sides then transfer to a baking dish, poring over the oil from the pan. Roast for 12 minutes then cool and chill. Cook the beans in boiling water for 6 minutes or until tender, drain and submerge in iced water then dry with paper towel. Tear the endive into pieces and mix with the beans and sliced onion. Whisk together the rest of the salad ingredients. Season and use to dress the salad. Arrange onto four plates and top with slices of the beef.