MACHINES that talk back are the Major Irritant of the Week.

This semester my husband took a class where he and a group of people had to come up with a product and a business plan. I found this idea intriguing and so walked around spotting ideas for inventions. I stubbed my toe on the door jamb.

"I know, honey," I said, "why don't you try to market a softer door jamb?"

The other day in the kitchen while slicing onions, I managed to chop through my middle finger nail.

"I know, honey, why don't they make knives that say, 'Warning, warning, fingernail approaching'?"

This would also be useful in crime prevention, because when women like Lorena Bobbitt approached their husbands, the knife could shout warnings, or maybe "911".

For some reason he never liked any of my ideas.

I don't blame him because, in truth, I can't stand inanimate objects that talk back. So far my telephone talks, my printer talks, the kettle whistles and my microwave makes this beeping sound.

Give a voice to something and you give it a personality. This is a serious mistake. Sometimes the power goes off in the middle of the night.

When it comes back on, all my equipment starts talking. The telephone says: "Please reset the time." The microwave beeps to say its awake. The printer says something like, "Problem communicating with the printer", and bangs the paper tray around for a minute. This is somewhat alarming if you were fast asleep before the power-out.

THE other day I decided to print out a 30-page document. I put a wad of paper in the printer and went inside to wash the dishes. I'd made myself a cup of tea an hour before and forgotten about it, so I put it in the microwave to warm it up.

I thought the printing would take a while. When I was arm deep in suds there was a voice from inside the living room: "Please load paper into the autofeeder."

"Honey, could you get that?" I called. My husband was sitting in there working on his own paper.

"Sure," he said, "regular paper or used?"

The microwave gave a little beep to remind me that it had finished warming my tea.

I like to reuse paper, so I told him to rip up one of my old essays and use the back.

AFTER a few minutes the voice came again: "Please load paper into the autofeeder." There was something more insistent about the voice this time. And the paper slot banged and made this howling noise to emphasise the point.

There was the sound of ripping as my husband fed it more paper.

Beep, Beep from the microwave.

"Please load paper into the autofeeder. Please load paper into the autofeeder." Bang, bang, howl, from the printer.

"I need more paper," my husband yelled into the kitchen.

"But surely that last bit was 30."

Beep, Beep, Beep . . .

"Nope, it wasn't enough. The printer ate it up. It wants more."

Printer: "Please load paper into the autofeeder. Please load paper into the autofeeder."

"All right, all right, here!" my husband cried throwing another old paper into the printer.

"Thank you!" said the printer. (It really does this).

"Whew!" said Steven opening and closing the microwave to stop the reminder beeps from the microwave. He was breathing heavily and perspiring.

"That thing is really insistent. I think that was enough paper, finally. It should be quiet now."

There was a voice from inside the living room again.

"Black ink is low. Black ink is low. Problem communicating with the printer."

This is what it means to live in the 21st century, you get bullied by your household appliances.