"The Census cost $2.1 million over a four-year period."

- report on the 2000 Census of Population and Housing

THE 2000 Census came out last week, as you probably will have read. As a profile of Bermuda and its people, it is a document without peer. At 288 pages, the Census tells us more than we could possibly want to know about everything in Bermuda back in May, 2000.

A caveat: the entire document is based on people's responses, and people don't always tell the truth. That said, here is a list of things that surprised me, or didn't, when I spent a few hours with the document:

If you earned less than $35,831 in 2000, you were below the poverty line. If you earned less than $44,789 that year, you are "near poor". I don't know anyone in England who earns that much, or anyone there who is poor or nearly poor. In most of the US, 45 grand wouldn't be a bad salary.

More than a quarter of Bermuda households earned $108,000 a year, or more. One in seven earned $144,000 a year or more. Bet you feel poor now.

Administrative and managerial staff, more or less across the board, earned more than professional people. I find that astounding. The only explanation that comes to mind is that the administrative and managerial people must be professionals who have ventured outside their fields because the pay is so lousy.

Just under half (48 per cent) of Bermudian households pay less than $1,000 a month in rent. That sounds plain wrong, but ten years ago, 70 per cent fell into that category.

The workforce increased by 11 per cent between 1991 and 2000. The number of those employed in education, health and social work increased by 32 per cent in the same period.

The number employed in the restaurant trade increased by 29 per cent in the same period, yet the civilian non-institutional population increased by a mere three per cent. Given a falling tourist population, that means people must be eating out very much more often, or that restaurants have become dramatically less efficient.

The Census goes to inordinate lengths to discern the differences between born Bermudians and other Bermudians, but the difference is specious: you either are Bermudian, or you aren't, just as a woman is either pregnant or not. Why would a Government Department waste money in this fashion, other than for political purposes?

Bermuda has two lighthouses, but no lighthouse keepers.

Bermuda has 451 carpenters, but you can't get a carpenter in Bermuda for love or money.

Bermuda has 40 telephone installers, but it takes months to get a telephone installed.

Bermuda has three blacksmiths, who presumably shoe horses, but only four shoe repairers.

The prison population fell by seven people between 1991 and 2000. On the Census date, Bermuda's correctional facilities held 316 people. At that date, Bermuda had 168 prison officers.

Believe it or not, Bermuda has 226 barbers and 17 postmasters.

Seventy-two actuaries live in Bermuda. On a per capita basis, the United States would need to have 360,000 actuaries to keep up. I doubt it has more than a few hundred. The world would need 7.68 million actuaries. I doubt there are 1,000 world-wide.

Eleven dancers earn a living in Bermuda, but there are 12 director/producers. Too many chiefs, from the sound of things.

Bermuda has 13 people described as editors, three sub-editors and 54 journalists. These seekers after the truth are outnumbered by public relations people: 23 officers and 58 other people working in public relations without being officers.

Bermuda has five statisticians, which may explain why the Census was more than two years out of date the day it was published.

Ninety people make their living in Bermuda selling religion.

Officially, Bermuda has just seven well drillers and borers, but I have met a lot more borers than that, just this week alone.

Those with a Doctorate earn only 80 per cent more than those with a Diploma. Given the extra years necessary to progress from a Diploma to a Ph D, over a lifetime, it's apparently not worth it.

According to answers given to Census takers, 40 per cent of the workforce is supposed to be at work by 8 in the morning.

Just 767 people work at home in Bermuda. While that is up by 52 per cent from 1991, it is still woefully low in the new virtual world.

One rental unit in Bermuda has no bedrooms and a monthly rent in excess of $6,000. Eleven rental units have four or bedrooms, and the monthly rent is under $500.

The owners of one house in eight in Bermuda would expect to sell their houses for $1 million or more.