March 21, 2002

Dear Sir,

After reading your article; 'Men Who Act Violently' in Tuesday's edition, I felt obliged to comment.

It seemed to express the view that all wife-beaters 'black out' prior to assaulting their partners and while this may be the case in some instances, it is not true of them all. A high number of abusers are manipulative controllers and violence is only one way that they exert control. Other methods involve psychological manipulation such as making their victim believe that the violence is her fault, that she made him do it - THAT SHE IS RESPONSIBLE.

Many women stay with abusers because they believe this. They are repeatedly told by the abuser, by the media and by society that this is their fault and the onus is on them to clean up their mess.

A view seemingly confirmed by this article which relegates the abuser to the role of a child who loses control so can't be held accountable. It advises that prior to being punched in the face (or worse) the victim should make notes on how her husband looks; "Are the veins pumped up in his neck?". Surely it's obvious how he looks, he looks absolutely terrifying! She's thinking of surviving this attack and not preparing for the next.

The article also suggests that she should look for clues that show an assault is imminent and leave immediately. But research shows that the most dangerous time for a woman is when she attempts to leave, more domestic murders occur at this point than any other.

Women who have had their limbs broken and faces busted for looking at their partner in the wrong way are advised that they ".. should teach their abusive partners to be less emotionally demanding".

Domestic violence is about control and this article appears to advocate teaching the controller how to control - a terrifying prospect for their victims.

Perpetrators do need help, but first and foremost we need to remember that domestic violence is a crime and should be treated as such. If the crime was a violent robbery would we talk about helping the robbers or punishing them?

Both the perpetrator and the victim need to know that it's a crime and need to see that the police and legal system treat it as a crime. Victims need to know that someone is on their side to help them and not just there to help their attackers.

Why do men beat their wives? Because they can, because we let them, because we take responsibility for them. It's time they took responsibility for themselves.

NAME WITHHELD