"To continue in the same direction demanding a different destination is delusional."

There is something inherently, horribly, awry when a parent buries their child. Are we not conditioned for this grief-stricken event to be reversed?

I am sadly qualified to write about the untimely deaths of children, when the child you raised, protected, educated and nurtured with agape love dies. Only those who suffered similarly comprehend the 'sting' and can find words of solace. Without doubt, folks mean well, but many say the most confusing, contradictory, and even hurtful things in an awkward attempt to console the inconsolable. I recall being told "my Son died because God required another angel, that sin was in our lifestyle, even "don't worry just have another child".

Please! As we in Bermuda stumble deeper, experiencing unprecedented symptoms of flawed systems, our children falling victim to an ever increasing tempo of terror via a myriad of social ills and lawlessness. Comfort the grieving with well chosen words "I am here for you" or a hug is better than a futile attempt to explain the unexplainable to loved ones who ride an emotional rollercoaster ranging from anger, numbing disbelief to denial and shock only to be followed by cruel reality. How can you ease the feeling of someone who is void of feelings? Only a lack of sensation resides where hope once lived. Well meaning but hurtful statements like, "it's been six months now, its time to move on" don't help when, I can assure all, this is no six month situation. The sight of your cherished child, being lowered encased in a coffin beneath the earth, coupled with the "thud" sound of soil hitting wood brings you fully to the realisation that … no more … no more … the smile you crave … your "entire being" reacts as if your insides have been removed. A need to hide until this intolerable nightmare ends overtakes you with an overwhelming power.

Six months, or 60 years, that experience never leaves. Learn to live through it, never over it.

Recovery can be easier when you strive to ensure that the life lost was not in vain, when the one you mourn can become a guiding light, a fallen hero, a name to live on that others might live. That makes it easier to survive the ordeal. In my son's case, the people of Bermuda contributed to a fund ensuring equipment was placed to prevent another "Justin". Caring attention was the only thing he required. His death birthed an activist group "Healthwatch", which, while attracting modest numbers, successfully championed a "Patients Bill of Rights" now displayed in the Emergency Department and a comprehensive health report chaired by Senator Alf Oughton, prompting changes in procedures and policy.

I say all that to say this: Collectively we have the impetus to bring about change. It said that "a dead end is a good place to turn around". At the risk of mixing metaphors, right now we're riding a slippery slope headed towards a nasty cul-de-sac.

To turn around takes courage. It necessitates change, in some cases returning to what worked before we supposedly "progressed". It often involves treading on toes or, heaven forbid, the loss of monetary reward for some who do "OK, thank you" from the present situation. Failing systems cause family fall-out, yet are perpetuated and protected by a few while the majority pay the toll of social mayhem.

Rise up! Be counted! Take back what we love and have worked towards, not cars or vacations, but our families. Clearly state: "We will not accept disorder in our beloved Island."

But how? The birch, more laws and police, censorship of violent material, make parents responsible, curfews, marches and the church. Sadly these won't cure the root cause while our children are looking in all the wrong places for parental recognition. This situation requires full-time commitment, not-post disaster chatter. Recently numerous churches were given the opportunity to contribute regards a social survey, only the Salvation Army replied.

The following concepts won't cure overnight, but to continue in the same direction demanding a different destination is delusional.

1. A publicly nominated committee of non-political, concerned, enlightened persons with no personal or financial agenda charged with making hard hitting, no nonsense, meaningful, researched recommendations to the voting public to bring about measures to end our crises. To have available the numerous reports and various retreat/seminar data taken from blackboard style brain storming events. (Which need to be dusted off)

2. In 2002 parenting group, Childwatch presented Government with 30 shared parenting recommendations derived from overseas and local research with survey information. The cover letter urged action to prevent future turmoil. That future is here and now.

Minister Dale Butler ordered a report on these recommendations. Every recommendation was supported:

a. A summary of these action steps include taking all child-related custody issues out of the adversarial, divisive, costly, overburdened, court into a Family panel of trained mediators/counsellors ensuring each child receives care, involvement, direction and discipline from both fit and able parents post separation. Children warrant the benefit of guidance from Mom, Dad & paternal families.

b. Programmes promoting responsible involved fatherhood, rewarding upright fathers as parents, not as an ATM without parental value. Instil in our young women the understanding that childbirth does not equate to womanhood.

c. New concepts in educating, counselling, and preventing unwanted pregnancies through "reality education" at an early age.

d. Pre-marriage and post-separation family counselling.

If the loss of life brings about a better Bermuda for all then, that life was precious.

Let's honour all the fallen with pro-active solutions.

Eddie Fisher was the founder and past president of "Healthwatch" and "Childwatch". He can be contacted at eddie@blessed.bm