I was a pretend IT guy for the weekend. I spent my time fixing the many computer problems of a couple I know in Margaux, France, and trying to be patient.

When I got the desperate call to come over for a visit, I promised myself to be the ideal IT guy.

I would not pretend to know more than my limited knowledge would allow. I would make no assumptions about the level of their computing knowledge. I would do no harm to their computers or valuable files. I would attempt to leave them the ability to solve the problems all computer users eventually get into on their machines.

Count John, one of the about 260 people in the world who hold the title of Master of Wine, and his wife Nellie, who runs wine tours for high flyers, were spending most of their time battling their computers rather than getting on with business and enjoying life.

She has a desktop computer. John, who inherited the “Count” title from his Italian father, has a laptop.

First off, I must state that they are my friends, and both have had infinite patience in teaching me the little I know about wine and in taking me around on very exclusive visits to some of the top winemakers in Spain and France.

It was payback time, my chance to show my appreciation. But I noticed the organised chaos of their house on the outskirts of Margaux seemed to mirror the chaos of the way their computers were organised. There were cases of wine and individual wine bottles stacked everywhere, in bedrooms, bathrooms, and every available space. All of this valuable fermented grape is buried under stacks of paper and boxes and odds and ends. I loved it, as John had to go on a treasure hunt when he wanted to find a bottle to calm my nerves. “Let's have something tasty,” he would mutter, as he bashed boxes aside, clearing space to find one of his prized bottles.

But I did not love it when this filing “system” meant we could not find any of the original Windows disks for the desktop computer, which was badly in need of reformatting. Sometimes it's best to start afresh with a clean slate, or “tabula rasa” as I like to say. We could also not find the original disk that came with his portable hard drive.

The problems were many. The desktop would not close down properly and had to be shut down by using the “three finger salute” (hit Control-Alt Delete twice). The desktop also could no longer access the scanner as the software had been deleted. The software for the CD burner was also not working the way it should. Some of the problems seemed to have been caused by technicians, who had done a poor job on allegedly fixing their computers. Some “problems” were due to a basic misunderstanding of how to drive their computers.

Other problems were a result of the use of both of their computers by their son. I discovered hidden phone diallers from sex and game sites on both their computers. These diallers, which download into a computer when you visit a site, will take over a regular Internet dial up connection and re-route calls. A month later the poor computer user will find he has a huge telephone bill listing calls to places like Nigeria. I also removed about 15 different games and pieces of games that were clogging up both computers.

After fixing the major problems, I showed them how to make backups, clean their temporary folders and defragment their computers. I also showed them how to set options for various programs, so they could personalise their computers according to how they wanted to use them.

Of course as the weekend drew to a close, my attempt at patience would occasionally be forgotten and I began snapping phrases like “RTFM” (translated by some as “Read the Flipping Manual”).

“But the manual is too technical and confusing,” John said. I agreed it sometimes was. He promised to read a chapter of the guide that came with Windows.

I felt sorry for him and marked out three chapters on the basics. I also urged him - once he had made a backup of his files and insured he had a boot disk available - to play around on his computer as a means of learning. I noted that half the things he was asking I did not know how to do on his computer.

But by fooling around and experimenting we would soon discover how to get a piece of software working the way he wanted it to work. “Why does this work this way?” John would ask in frustration when we would finally bash our heads against a problem we could not figure out how to solve.

“Blame it on Bill (Gates),” I would repeat as a mantra. He laughed. I was beginning to enjoy myself. “These IT guys have all the fun,” I thought to myself.

Actually both John and Nellie were pretty good with computers, it is just they had dug themselves into the computer disaster pit, with basic problems piling on to cause other problems.

My payoff came on Sunday afternoon, when we sat down for a home cooked meal. Lunch was a mass of oysters eaten with the Spanish version of champagne, a Mascaro Nigrum cava. Next was a whole fresh foie gras stuffed with truffles, served with a 1995 Gewurztraminer Hugel from Alsace. The main meal, roast pork on the bone, was served with a 1983 Blaauwklippen Cabernet Sauvignon from South Africa.

“Now I can no longer claim to have a 1983 Blaauwklippen,” John said ruefully. “Now I can no longer pretend to be an IT guy,” I thought as I swilled down my pay.

•Tech Tattle deals with issues in technology. Contact Ahmed at editoroffshoreon.com