purporting to represent business opportunities. But, as with many things, such as being robbed, or catching AIDS, you never actually fully comprehend it unless it happens to you.

Last week, it did happen to the writer of the Business Diary: a business proposition from Nigeria, that is, not AIDS.

A letter, amusing in its own little way, but still a menace to the naive, arrived on the business desk from a Mr. John Ikedi, of P.O. Box 5766, Oshodi, Lagos, Nigeria.

Despite being rather impersonally and improperly addressed to `The Director, Business Week' (it only found its way to The Royal Gazette because the address contained our post code), Mr. Ikedi claimed to have run a character check on the newspaper's business reporter and, since the results were complimentary, purported to offer him a chance to make a fast buck.

The letter started: "Dear Sir, I am Mr. John Ikedi from Nigeria, meanwhile I hope you will give me attention to trespass upon your time to bring this matter that is of very much concern to us for your help.

"We are seeking for your assistance and permission to remit this money into your account as we are reliably briefed about your good integrity and high reputation of your good self that we shall not lose the money if it gets into your account as the deal is purely confidential...'' And so it went on in a hastily-cobbled together form of pidgin English, not of the kind one expects from a legitimate business proposition.

The amount they were offering to put into my bank account was `$35.8 US dollers' (sic), which may be a lot in Nigeria but will scarcely buy you dinner in Bermuda.

On top of this, I would be paid "commission of 30 percent'' of an undisclosed sum for allowing Mr. Ikedi to put the money into my account. This money was to come from the Ministry of Aviation for what was described in gibberish as a "completed awarded contract purported to have been done by a ghost foreign firm''.

The other 60 percent, said Mr. Ikedi, would go to "me and my officials'', with the rest being set aside for "local and international contigency (sic) expenses''.

Further money would be deposited from the Federal Ministry of Finance and Central Bank of Nigeria if I was interested, said Mr. Ikedi.

All I had to do to take advantage of the offer was to send Mr. Ikedi my bank's name, address, account number and, also, my fax, telex and telephone numbers.

There was nothing improper about the arrangement, said Mr. Ikedi. Even so, he said it was best that I didn't tell anyone about the business arrangement so that it would remain our little secret.

"Please treat as most urgent and confidential,'' the letter went on. After reading his nonsense, The Business Diary decided to "trespass'' on some of Mr. Ikedi's time and sent him a fax to a number that was the only means of communication given in the letter.

The message ran like this: "Big leg pulling must be you. No can keep secret.

Dialled Police they have been.'' RG STAFF SURVEY Some strange, amusing and predictable answers were given when staff at The Royal Gazette , which is not having a Christmas party this year, were surveyed on what they would like instead.

The majority of staff not surprisingly asked for a monetary bonus, with one wild optimist saying it should be as much as ten percent of an employee's annual wage.

At the opposite ends of the spectrum were the person who asked for a raise and the employee who expected nothing.

One employee asked for a car, another for an airline ticket and a third staff member wanted a half-day off to go Christmas shopping.

The two most giving workers entered into the festive spirit of goodwill to all men and said that a donation should be made to charity.

But the strangest, and most desperate, plea came from a male member of staff.

"What would you like instead of a party?'' came the question. "A woman,'' he replied, quick as a flash.