Marriages can benefit from a shared attitude to money
In matters of the heart, we are told that opposites attract. Yet new research into marriage in the US shows that, in reality, the most successful marriages take place between the like-minded, especially where their attitudes to money are concerned.
Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania, the University of Michigan and Northwestern University analysed a number of surveys that asked married couples to report, separately, on their feelings about spending money.
For want of a better term (although there are plenty), the researchers categorised people as "tightwads" and "spendthrifts". The first group, whom I prefer to call "savers", are those who said they felt uncomfortable spending, but often experience remorse at not being able to enjoy throwing money around. The "spenders", on the other hand, thoroughly enjoyed spending money, but later often felt bad about their inability to rein in their spending.
Despite the obvious risks, spenders, it seems, often marry savers (and, of course, vice versa). One thought is that such a union affords both parties the chance to adjust their attitudes to money by following their spouse's example. Statistics show, however, that old habits die hard, and money differences can be a serious cause of marital problems.
The work carried out by the three universities found that, in fact, people look first for someone of their own kind in this regard. Having failed to find a mate who matches their financial profiles, they then marry the opposite.
The dreary business of modern journalism requires full disclosure. I must therefore state at this point that I have never been married. I have, however, had long-term relationships with both spenders and savers, and have fared equally badly with both. I currently have my eye on a spender (aka "a high-maintenance babe") and am trying to accumulate a billion dollars as fast as possible so that my financial standing may survive any success I may enjoy in this direction.
Spending decisions, even more so in today's difficult economic climate, can be a continuous source of marital discord and are often cited when divorce rears its ugly head.
A survey conducted separately by the same researchers asked single people to describe certain aspects of their ideal mates. Broadly, people said they were looking for someone a lot like themselves, where money is concerned.
It is widely accepted by experts in the field that money, though one of the most important subjects where relationships are concerned, is rarely discussed by couples who are intending to marry. The subject is perhaps especially avoided by those couples who come from different ends of the spending/saving spectrum.
"You would be shocked at how many people don't talk about these things before they get married," Susan Reach Winters, a divorce lawyer in New Jersey, told a journalist. "I mean, they're willing to get naked with these people before they get married but they don't, or can't, talk about money before getting married." (Full disclosure again: that exactly sums up my position vis-à-vis the young woman I mentioned earlier.)
As a saver, I have often been stunned at how some women appear to prefer the "bad boys" of this world. It may be that some women are attracted to the dangers inherent in dating men with no self-control when it comes to finances. Alas, despite all the research, all we have is theories and, in many cases, the desire to get naked without much thought for the financial consequences.
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Hard though it is to focus now on a secondary subject, a few words might be in order about the proliferation of the phrase "I mean" as the first words of a sentence, as evidenced by the comments of the divorce lawyer above.
Anyone who watches BBC World News cannot but have noticed that about a quarter of the commentators begin their response to questions, and pepper their subsequent thoughts, with the meaningless words "I mean". They seem to have replaced "you know" as the hallmark of a lack of education, especially if taken in concert with their big brother the equally redundant phrase "Know what I mean?" and its less coherent relative "Nowhamin?" Where it is rather charming to end a sentence in Bermudian fashion with a completely inappropriate "innit", starting a sentence with "I mean" can infuriate the listener, innit.
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Back to money. A friend asked if I thought that this column could retain any relevance in today's higgledy-piggledy world of recession, downturn, depression or whatever it is that may or may not be over.
Never has solid financial advice been more relevant. The advice never varies, which is why I sometimes drift off when penning these commentaries. A consistent savings plan is your best friend, come hell or high water.
It teaches discipline, improves one's sense of well-being, cuts down on worries and, in time, can prepare you for whatever may follow. The first step is the hardest, but once you make saving money one of those things that you just do without thinking, a better life may well be your reward.
There are occasions when letting loose and spending without much hesitation is a good idea, but only to provide a little contrast to the more sensible practice of watching the pennies.
Money isn't everything, but it is a big thing. It can't buy happiness or love (which is a depressing thought, given my earlier comments), but it can buy a degree of peace of mind. Happiness and love sometimes do not last, but peace of mind is a joy forever.
And with that thought, I must return to planning how to save a billion dollars by next week, before some total spender comes along and snags the young woman with whom I plan to get, er, I mean, discuss financial matters, innit.