This will be my last column for some time as I am hoping that my baby will arrive sometime in the next two weeks! As I have been anticipating the necessary upheaval and chaos that accompanies the arrival of a new family member, I have been thinking about the impact this new little person will have on the lives of my other children.

I hope and pray it will ultimately be a positive one but I have no illusions about the first few weeks and possibly months and the hard work and tears that may accompany this process! I have also been reflecting on the place each of my children have in the family dynamic and how I can encourage them to expand and enhance the part they play in the functioning of the family, not only on an emotional level but also from a practical point of view.

Some time last term I received an e-mail from my nine-year-old daughter’s school which went something like this: ‘Many of the children have been turning up to their games lessons missing essential items of clothing and footwear. Please can you ensure that they come to school with all the necessary items’.

Now, there are many ways to solve this problem and I suspect that many parents took it to mean that THEY should be the one that put the clothing and sneakers in the bag and made sure it made its way to school on the appropriate day. At nine years old, I think a child is perfectly capable of ensuring that they have all that the need for the school day and although they may need some encouragement to organise themselves the night before (it depends very much on the individual child as I have discovered!), that their school/games bag should ultimately be their responsibility.

Some see this as a distinction between being a “good” parent and a “responsible” parent. “Good” parents try to do everything for their children. They become like servants. They remind and coax their children, they pick up their clothes, make their school lunches, help with dressing them etc, etc. As an aside, for those of us privileged enough to have extra help in the home this can be an even bigger problem as it seems as if our children never have to do anything for themselves — tidy their room, put laundry away or pick up after themselves.

The salutary lesson is that, in spite of all their good intentions, these “good” parents (who are usually running themselves ragged trying to do everything for their children) may be doing their children a disservice. It seems that if they take upon themselves their children’s responsibilities, they may leave their children either over-dependent or rebellious. If their children are not allowed to learn from experience or from the consequences of their actions; they may grow up lacking in confidence because they are used to choices being made for them or rebellious because the children feel “babied”.

An alternative to being a “good” parent is to be a “responsible” parent. These parents treat their children with equality and respect and they encourage them as far as possible to make their own decisions (this will obviously depend on the nature of the decision and the age of the child) — and to live with the consequences. When children are given responsibility, they often become remarkably responsible! An example might be a child that is always losing things. As long as he has “good” parents who keep finding his missing shoes, toys etc., for him he may never learn to care about his own belongings. When he has to live with the consequences of not taking care of his things, he can begin to become more responsible.

Of course, it is important to look at the individual child and their abilities and personalities before deciding how to increase their responsibility within the home environment. Giving children responsibilities is not meant to be a lazy way out for parents! “Latch-key kids” are also given responsibility — too much responsibility — with no supervision, no support, no guiding hand. So although you can start right away to give your child more responsibilities, you might like to consider doing it in stages and involve some training. I should probably also warn you that attempts at giving more responsibility can, at first, be met with hostility, particularly if it involves giving up some time on the computer or television.

Many of us strive to be “good” parents, doing far too much for our children: it’s often easier/quicker to do it ourselves, children have so little free time anyway it seems unfair to make them take on more responsibility, children have to take on so much these days, let’s give them a little longer to just be carefree children —. and so on. Obviously there must be a balance but it is worth taking some time to look at your own children and decide if they can be playing a bigger part in the functioning of the home and particularly looking after their own sphere of influence!

At right is a list (from a Parenting Course) of things parents often do for their children — which their children (depending on their ages) might do for themselves. Take a look at the list and tick off anything you do which you think your children might be capable of doing. If you have the time, you might ask yourself at what age children would be capable of each of these responsibilities.

The list could be longer and you can add things to it that are appropriate for your family situation. For example: you might have pets that need feeding or an older relative living with you that may need extra help at certain times of day! As children take on new tasks, you can be beside them, encouraging them, showing and helping where necessary, letting them try for themselves and gradually withdrawing into the background and allowing them to get on with it.

I remember talking to one woman who had a large family, who would keep a basket at the end of each of her children’s beds in which they would put their dirty laundry. (Even a two/three year old is capable of taking off dirty clothes and putting them in a basket!) Once a week she would remove these baskets and launder the clothes and return the baskets to the end of the beds, at which point the (older) children would then have to fold the clothes and put them away. She would also give each child a “room for the week” that they were responsible for dusting and vacuuming during that week. The younger ones would be given help and direction. She was responsible for keeping the kitchen and bathrooms clean. Now you may think this is extreme, but it was one way for her to give her children responsibility for their own belongings and the running of the household, at a level they could cope with and for her to keep on top of what needed to be done.

We all approach the situation in different ways but the important thing is that children are given some responsibility. So perhaps this week (like me as I anticipate my new arrival) you could ask yourself: what are you doing for your children that they could be doing for themselves? What new responsibilities could you begin to introduce them to during the next week? How can you involve them in a way that will help them feel valued and more confident?

While doing all this, it is important to remember: not to expect overnight miracles, be happy with small improvements and encourage your child’s strengths and attempts and perhaps most importantly, don’t be tempted to ‘do it over’ as it hasn’t met your standards (this will only make your child feel discouraged and as if they can’t measure up) and most of all enjoy seeing your children grow in confidence, belief in themselves ‘to have a go’ and become more responsible.