Carrie and John seemed like they had everything going for them. Both were good students and involved in a lot of school activities, so no one questioned why they weren't at home much.

Their Dad is a manager in a local company, and their Mom is a homemaker. Their family seems very "normal" and healthy to the outside world. It is the inside of their home that is filled with violence and pain.

The violence usually begins with some tension in the air when Dad gets home. It ends up in a shouting match in which Carrie and John are sent to bed. Soon they can hear the slaps, thuds, and cries that come from the living room. Both are afraid to go down to help. In the morning the evidence of the abuse is there. Carrie and John see their Mom again with bruises and black eyes, and again they escape to school where no one knows what happened in their house the previous evening.

Characteristics of the Abuser

1. Doesn't like himself*; tries to justify his battering.

2. Believes the male rules the household and that he is the boss.

3. Blames others for everything that happens.

4. Very jealous and possessive.

5. Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde-others see abuser as a good husband, father, and provider; behind the front door he is abusive, angry, and aggressive.

6. Probably grew up in a violent home where he saw his mother abused by yelling, slapping, and hitting.

Characteristics of the Abused

1. Doesn't like herself, tries to justify the batterer's behaviour.

2. Believes he will change; is controlled by the batterer.

3. Blames self for his actions; attempts to change her own actions to control the violence.

4. Isolated and kept away from friends and family, or resources for help.

5. Denies the extent of the problem in order to survive; generally suppresses anger because it is too dangerous.

6. Learned that society condones violence against women either in childhood home or in her attempt to get help.

How Children Feel When Abuse is Occurring Between Parents

Powerless because they can't stop the abuse.

Guilty, believing that they somehow caused the abuse.

Angry, blaming Mom that it may somehow be her fault.

Angry at Dad for hurting Mom.

Helpless because they feel a need to help solve the problem, but only end up getting hurt when they try to help.

Confused because parents may try to get children to choose sides.

Afraid for themselves and all family members.

Isolated and insecure, often making up excuses so they don't have to go home.

Dishonest and embarrassed because they make up excuses to family and friends for Mom's bruises.

Overwhelmed by the situation, often leading to poor school performance and avoiding friends.

Understanding Why Mom Stays

Even though there are violent and bad times in the relationship, there are also loving and good times.

She probably believes she must stay married until "death do they part."

She probably believes the violence will stop if she does all the things a "good wife" should do.

She is isolated from family and friends by her husband who has told her she doesn't need anyone but him, and because she feels embarrassed about bruises and lacerations.

She's afraid. She fears that if she leaves: the abuser will find her and hurt her even more; She won't be able to support herself of her children; the husband may get custody because he has more money and may be able to hire a better attorney.

The Physical Abuse Centre is a part of the Family Resource Network, which also consists of the Protection of Children, The Centre for Community and Family Mediation, P.A.R.E.N.T.S. and the Father Resource Centre. The agencies joined in 1998 to better serve Bermuda's families with a common goal and shared vision. If you are aware of anyone open to sharing accommodations, Please contact the Physical Abuse Centre, 292-4366.

*Article credited to Rape & Abuse Crisis Centre of Fargo/Moorhead.