In my last column we noted that it seems that a great deal of what we say to children from a year upwards consists of instructions, corrections and warnings. "Don't hit your sister". "Pick that up". "Don't go near the edge or you'll fall". "No not that way, this way is better".

It is important to see that there is a lack of balance when these account for most of what our children hear from us. It is easy to see how it can impact on the way they feel about themselves in the long term. We know instinctively that children thrive on positive, focused attention but how in our frantic, busy lives does that work practically? How can we regain the balance and help our children feel valued, respected and significant?

It may sound surprisingly simple but making time for talking and chatting is a great start. Think about it: if someone takes time to listen to you, to find out what you are thinking, what has happened in your day it makes you feel good.

There are a lot of opportunities for snippets of conversation during the day. What about at the breakfast/dinner table? Or the journey from/to school? During bath-time? While doing the dishes? Just before bed (instead of watching the TV!) Maybe you take your child to a regular weekly commitment ? a music lesson for example. What about turning the radio off and really making an effort to chat.

At this point I feel I really must make a comment about mobile phones. I so often see parents walking with their child, one hand holding their child, the other their mobile phone. Or in the car (where you shouldn't be on the phone anyway!) with the children sitting silently in the car while mum or dad chat away to someone else ... you can see why it might make them feel less than important. What a wasted opportunity for a chat!

As well as the obvious benefits, like the positive attention that all children crave, arising from these conversations, there is the added advantage of helping children to form values, think for themselves and develop a sense of right and wrong. After all, who is influencing your children or helping them decide what is important in life? Will they get most of their values from television, from friends or from you? When you tell stories (our children particularly love the ones about us when we were little and being naughty); when you explain what is important to you and why and why you act as you do, you reassure a child and help them understand, you stretch their imagination and world, you encourage them to think and question and you influence their value system as it forms. Furthermore as a welcome consequence, you will probably find that discipline and correction are less necessary once your child is engaged and interested.

As well as the many 'talking' opportunities that may arise during the pattern of a day you can be sure that there will be many other times that you will be asked to drop what you are doing to come and participate in something and it is often the last thing in the world you want to do! There always seems to be something else so much more necessary that needs our attention: dinner, an e-mail, a good book, sports on the TV, writing a column for !

If you can identify with that situation, it might help to bear the following in mind. First, in terms of actual time, very little is probably being required of you. At moments like this, five or ten minutes, will often satisfy. Second, the opportunity may not come again. Today she may want you to read a bedtime story or build a castle, show you something on the computer but next week, month, year it will be all different and the opportunity for that cuddle/chat/positive attention will have gone. I have found this particularly as the children have got older. They tend to demand your attention less often and so can easily be neglected. Communication can literally become a series of questions "What do you want for breakfast?", instructions, "pick up your lunchbox before you leave", or rebukes, "how many time do I have to tell you to put your dirty socks in the laundry basket!" To redress this we have recently decided to take time and book a date with each child on their own every few months (we obviously try to have meaningful chats in between 'dates'!). They love it and we re-discover what great company our kids are.

So remember, you don't need to be a slave to your children and it is important to sometimes say "I'd love to, but not now because ...", but it's worth bearing in mind that the chance may be now or never. Open communication is a powerful way to build any relationship so take some time and get talking!