O<$s$>ne well known author starts off one of her books with this anecdote: “One of my favourite ‘New Baby’ greetings cards offers this hopeful message to new parents: ‘There are three rules for — bringing up, babies —Unfortunately, nobody knows what they are.’”

Never has a truer word been spoken in jest!

It is both unnecessary and unhelpful to tell parents what they should be doing at each hour of the day and night, mainly because each couple is different, each baby is different and the idea that one technique or set of rules for “bringing up” babies will work for everyone is ridiculous, if not dangerous.

Having said all that, having “rules” to follow appeals to many new parents seeking certainty in the new and uncertain world of babycare. It is as if we want babies to come (like cars or piece of equipment) with a set of instructions.

The idea is very appealing, particularly in our society where babies are often “fitted in” to a busy adult world, where there is little support for the new mother and where often the first time a father or mother will ever have held a newborn, or change a diaper, it is for their own baby.

My own experience of being a lonely, first-time mum with a baby that cried a lot and slept very little has made me reflect on how hard it is to “find your way” through the myriad books and snippets of advice that come your way and to find something that works for you. I naively thought that babies fed, slept and needed changing and that was that.

But no ... it would have been very attractive to be looking at a set of instructions that would have told me what I should be doing with her at any particular moment of the day and that there was a promise that if I adhered to these instructions I would be promised more sleep (yes, please) and less chaos.

There are, at the moment, many books on the Parenting shelves that make such promises, that provide such instructions (some more flexible than others) and that are being bought in their thousands by desperate parents. As one mother wrote: “That’s one of the reasons I liked the teachings, they are all neatly packaged and I didn’t have to do the work of sorting out all the different philosophies out there.”

And another: “I read the book and thought it would solve all my problems. I was so excited. The books seemed to understand where I had messed up my baby and promised to fix her.”

The problem is that while these ‘methods’ might work for some, they can also leave parents feeling like they have failed when their baby does not seem to conform to the ‘instruction’ manual which, if you are already struggling, can lead on to other problems with postnatal depression and so on.

Comments from another mother: “All the information I’d read about babies was of them having a feed, diaper-change, then going to sleep straight away in their cot for a couple of hours before waking for the next feed and change, leaving me with expectations of Alex doing the same. Of course, Alex hadn’t read those books(!), leaving me feeling like there was something wrong with me and my parenting, as we didn’t fit these expectations.”

There is no doubt that parenting theories go in cycles.

As one commentator puts it: “At the moment we are in a very directive phase when mothers are told babies must not disrupt their lives. Their babies should not affect their careers, they should not affect their sex lives, they should not affect their social lives — it’s about ‘me time’. Babies are treated like the enemy.”

She goes on to say, “instead parents should treat their offspring like social beings, in need of human interaction rather than mere ‘servicing’ such as feeding, bathing and diaper-changing”. Although this is an extreme example of one type of parenting style, I thought that for the uninitiated you might find it interesting to know about some of types of activity that are being suggested to parents:

In one book a doctor advises parents to let babies cry for intervals of up to 45 minutes without responding, to train them to sleep on their own. “Should the baby cry so hard that he throws up, parents are to clean up and leave again. If you reward him for throwing up by staying with him, he will only learn that this is a good way to get what he wants”.

It is worth pointing out at this stage, that the greatest danger to a young baby’s mental health is unrelieved anxiety. This is because the baby is unable to calm themselves and their bodies flood with cortisol (a stress hormone) which makes the situation worse still. An abandoned baby (and if you put yourself in the position of the baby left crying in the cot you will understand that that is what they feel like— babies have no concept of time) will generally cry for a short time in great alarm, but then will quieten. However, its anxiety and cortisol levels will remain high. The baby may look and sound like it is being a ‘good’ baby, but is has just gone into a self-protective, numbed state.

Research has shown that being ‘stressed’ on a regular basis like this, can have long lasting implications for the baby’s brain development and long term emotional health.

This is one of the reasons among many, that it is really important to look at the credentials of the people advocating their particular parenting method.

For example, there is another well-known advocate of routines who has never had her own baby and so will not really understand the emotional pull of hearing your own hungry, needy baby cry. Others, proclaim themselves as experts when really they are just putting forward their own opinions and personal theories. An example of this would be breastfeeding advice.

There are real issues to do with breastfeeding success in many of the books advocating routine feedings, particularly in the early days.

Breastfeeding on a parent-determined schedule, including a so-called flexible routine, may reduce a mother’s breast milk supply and contradicts the recommendations of the American Academy of Paediatrics which has stated: “The best feeding schedules are the ones babies design for themselves. Scheduled feedings designed by parents may put babies at risk of poor weight gain and dehydration”.

The problem is one of polarisation of views. I often suggest to people to read the books if they feel they need or want to but to make sure they read a variety and then they can ‘cherry pick’, what they like and find what works for them and their individual family situation. There is accumulating research evidence (as if we needed it!) that supports the notion that babies have different temperaments and that their development is best served when parents are able to adapt to their individual needs, not follow a prescribed pattern.

I know it is not easy to do because of the pressures all around us (and the need for sleep) but it is important for you as a family and your baby to formulate your own parenting style. You will probably find that it evolves over time, as things change and you learn more about your baby and what works for you.

As one writer helpfully puts it: “The best way to approach any childcare advice is to imagine it as an empty shell — or a trellis or garden frame — on which to train your own ideas and experiences.

You’ll find your ideas and experiences have a habit of outgrowing the original frame, and this is exactly what should happen. It’s a sign that you are making parenting decisions which are right for you and that you are responding to your own baby, not to some anonymous expert. Your baby needs parents who follow their instincts, not a set of misfitting regulations”.Fiona Dill is the mother of five children, a nurse (BSc (Hons) in Nursing Studies), a childbirth educator (Diploma in Antenatal Education), a doula and a parenting course facilitator. Contact: fionadill<$>[AT]logic.bm