Children learn their values by constantly watching people who care for them -- by seeing what you do and how you act. Children begin learning about sexuality when they are infants. They are sensitive to a parent's silent signals. By the time children start school, they already know a lot about human sexuality, especially their own.

Sexuality education involves the roles, behaviours, and values people associate with being a man or a woman. Sexuality is both physical and emotional. You can see it in everything we do; the clothes we wear, the way we walk, the way we talk, how we show affection, and in many everyday events.

Loving and caring parents actively discover a child's needs for information and then finds ways to fill those needs. Even adolescents in their mid-teens are still learning from you.

Good communication lets you influence a child's behaviour before a crisis happens. For example, many children are afraid to talk to a parent about natural body functions and whether they are "normal'' or not. This fear may lead to secrecy and isolation which, in turn, may lead to depression, anxiety, and other forms of emotional stress. Why fail to communicate with your child? Good communication will help you understand your child and help you and your child become closer.

Children need a clear set of values, accurate information, a strong sense of self-worth, and good decision-making and communication skills. These are the ABC's of communicating with your child.

`Askable' -- Be `askable'. Does your child feel it's okay to talk with you? If not, have you thought about who will answer your child's questions? Only you can tell your child that it's okay to ask you questions -- that you're `askable'. Children are more likely to talk to an approachable parent.

An `askable' parent: Shows respect, value, and love for children.

Realises that every difficult situation is not a crisis.

Wants communication, but doesn't expect to have all the answers.

Knows the most important part of communication is listening.

Doesn't laugh when a child asks a question, even in reaction to the child's cuteness.

Is sometimes embarrassed by sexuality, but acknowledges the discomfort and explains it to the child.

Build bridges to improve communication with your child or children: .

By discovering and explaining why talking about sexuality may be difficult.

By considering what might happen if you do not talk with your child.

By focusing on your goals.

By planning how to respond to questions.

By responding immediately to your child's need to know.

By being sensitive to your expressions and gestures.

By taking initiative, if necessary.

By getting and giving support.

Continue to learn and to anticipate your child's questions by learning the stages of sexual development. Behaviours and the process of development vary widely. You may not know exactly when your child passes through a stage or exactly what you child learns. But you can prepare for the "visible'' stage of development.

In conclusion, you can influence your child by listening, observing behaviour, and by talking with him on her. By providing up-to-date information, you give your child and yourself a chance to make informed decisions. The child with a strong, positive, proud sense of his or her sexuality will make careful, responsible decisions. It is an investment in your child's future because as your child may well grow up to be an `Askable' Parent, too! For further information, ask your child's pediatrician, family doctor, Health Department for information. Books are available from the bookstore and local library.

Cheryl Stafford Department of Health