Hold it, Ms Perfection-in-a-Flap! There might be just 48 hours to go until Christmas Day, but there's absolutely no need to panic.

So what if your walls still aren't painted, the new curtains aren't up, the house hasn't been cleaned, and there's a week's worth of laundry festering in the hamper? Don't rage that Prince Procrastination is sprawled on the couch suffering from a surfeit of office party and therefore incapable of putting up the shelves/ mantel piece/curtain rods/venetian blinds, Christmas lights and whatever else you have on his endless list.

Instead, relax and take a leaf from the slobs' book of Christmas preparations, for if there's one thing they do well, it's cutting Christmas chaos down to size.

Not for slobs weeks of intense preparation, designer decorations, windows so clean the neighbours don't need binoculars; cupboards filled with clean laundry; a bedroom so co-ordinated it appears unsullied since Sleeping Beauty decamped; and a living room straight out of soap operaland.

Slobs' refrigerators are neither bulging with the trappings of Christmas eating, nor their ovens redolent with the smells of festive baking.

How, then, do they manage to celebrate while avoiding anything which smacks of effort? Quite simply, they improvise -- like this: INSTEAD OF CLEANING AND REPAIRING Vacuuming, dusting: Replace with candlelight. The dim glow not only masks housekeeping deficiencies, but is romantic and a boon to complexions fissured by time. Candles also reduce donations to Belco.

Furniture/upholstery stains: Cover with self-adhesive Christmas seals. In addition to concealing blemishes on the lounging landscape, they add a colourful, curious touch. Seals are also easily replaced if damaged by human contact.

Carpeting: Put on the glitz! Christmas confetti, sprinkled hither and yon, is the perfect cover-up for everything from dog hairs to mud stains and crumbs from the master's table. Don't apply too liberally, however, or you won't find the TV/VCR remote and loose change.

Wall blemishes: Tape old Christmas cards over them.

Windows: Zap with spray snow. Apart from masking dirt and grime, it sets a novel meteorological mood, and inspires tiddled guests to slur, "The Fir Snowell...'' Bathroom mirror: Hold the windex. Spray snow blends nicely with toothpaste splatters. Together, they obscure a decent view of the visage, thereby removing any urge to shave or apply make-up.

Toilet bowl: Set a festive flow by planting a green toilet block in the tank.

Sprinkling green food colouring in the eau de toilette itself is cheaper but more labour intensive.

Bathroom towels: Light colours mean laundry, whereas a set of dark green towels will see you through until Twelfth Night. Turn inside out at half time.

Kitchen Counters: Clutter is an accepted part of Christmas. Don't move a thing. Instead, garnish with boxes of Christmas cereal and bowls of technicolour popcorn.

TIDYING UP Antithesis to slobs, of course, but important to you.

Old Magazines/Newspapers: Since you still believe you'll get around to reading them some day, gather everything up and stow in either one large or several smaller cartons purloined from the supermarket. Cover in Christmas paper, add stick-on bows (both recycled from last year, of course), and place under the tree. Droppers-in will be impressed with Santa's "largesse'' (and wonder for weeks afterwards why you never opened them). Alternatively, use as extra seating or footstools.

Dirty Laundry: Stuff into a green plastic garbage bag, tie with a big red bow, and set by the chimney. With luck, Santa will be half hot and take it with him when he goes.

Everything else: Toss whatever you think can do without for two weeks into plastic bags. Hide in the garage, cellar, or trunk of your car. By June, when you finally re-discover this me mlange, you will realise you didn't need the stuff after all.

If that doesn't suit, then try one of these solutions: Bedroom: 1. Open closet door wide, f-l-i-n-g, and shut.

2. Cram everything under the bed. If mound is so high legs lift and bed rocks, tell snoopers it's the latest in orthopaedic slumberware.

3. Pile everything on the bed, drape with a neglige me, dressing gown, beach towel or tarpaulin, and suggest you're waiting for the undertaker to come.

FESTIVE FLOURISHES Tree: Having missed picking up bits of imported trees from parking lots, and the hour being late, your options are: 1. Persuade someone who's going away for Christmas or a firm which will be closed until the New Year to lend you theirs.

2. Wind a string of lights around a wire cone normally used for training tomatoes.

3. Tell your friends your new-found religion precludes a tree.

4. Open the curtains and admire the neighbour's.

Pine Scent: Apply bathroom spray liberally.

Stockings: Any reasonably clean men's socks will do. Just make sure there are no holes in the toes. To create the filled effect, stuff relevant mates inside. At least you'll know where some pairs are in an emergency! Flora: Spray fresh foliage gold and/or silver. Arrange in anything which holds water and is socially acceptable.

Mobile: Tie a bow around the dog or cat's neck and encourage it to circulate.

Shopping: Recycle last year's useless gifts. This saves time, money, and agoraphobia attacks. Wrap in last year's paper too -- but ironed, please.

Bathroom: Fill a chipped Christmas mug with an arrangement of red and green-handled toothbrushes. Garnish with striped toothpaste.

THE CHRISTMAS DINNER Dine disposable! The table: A roll of Christmas wrapping paper eliminates the tedium of doing up linen napery. Lively, colourful patterns hide gravy and wine stains, mashed potato, and lumps of congealed cranberry sauce best. Use paper napkins, or squares of paper towel. Basic white tones with everything, and self-adhesive seals link it to Christmas. Mix 'n' match red and green plastic cutlery. Affix Christmas seals to clear plastic wine glasses -- it's cheaper than buying festive ones. In any case, wine looks revolting in red or green vessels. Write "Hope your Christmas is full o' beans!'' on throw-away coffee cups. Serve sachets of cappucino or cafe au lait. Since they're pre-mixed, all you need is hot water. Saves buying sugar and milk.

Christmas Crackers: The relatives. Say no more! Table centrepiece: 1. Roll tennis and golf balls in tin foil and arrange in a casserole dish. Dot with cherry tomatoes.

2. A dysfunctional string of poinsettia tree lights, coiled and twisted into a figure of eight is particularly fetching. Position candle holders in the centre of each loop.

Candleholders: Since red and green are the traditional Christmas colours, what could be better than red candles in green beer bottles? Covering the labels with recycled, stick-on bows is optional.

The Menu: Thanks to St. Swanson, roasting turkeys, peeling vegetables, making sodden stuffing and lumpless gravy are history -- as are stacks of dirty dishes. Hail the frozen turkey dinner! Not only is it table-ready in as little as 11 minutes, but what you see is what you get. No fighting over drumsticks, no possibility of seconds, and positively no washing-up. Joy, oh joy to the world.

Dessert: Avoid the hassle of Christmas pudding, brandy which won't flame, and messy sauces. Instead, make separate pans of red and green jello, using less water than normal. When set, cut into festive shapes with cookie cutters and layer in alternate colours. Surround with a burst of spray-on whipped cream immediately before serving. Watching your guests tackle this wobbly mess with a flexible plastic spoon makes good entertainment.

Nuts: See Christmas crackers.

Dates: A matter of luck. Can be expensive.

Wines: Don't buy, rely. That's what guests are for! All done? Now have yourself a merry, slobovian Christmas! YULE LOVE IT! Disposable dining and improvisation are essential to a slob's Christmas dinner, as this setting demonstrates. It includes a wrapping paper tablecloth, paper place mats and napkins, beer bottle candle sticks, and plastic wine glasses and cutlery. An old string of poinsettia tree lights, a casserole of foil-covered tennis and golf balls, and a scattering of nuts and take-away condiments give added pizzazz. Unfortunately, one microwave means guests must eat their TV turkey dinners sequentially, which some find hard to