Most people who are going through a divorce are in an emotional crisis. Yet, they make perhaps the biggest decisions of their lives in this extremely vulnerable state.

As a family lawyer, I often see clients make legally binding decisions that are driven by extreme emotions, most often anger. But letting emotions dictate the course of a divorce typically leads to a broken family and a huge legal bill.

How do you avoid this? Get the help that you need before -- and while -- you are making the big legal decisions. Taking care of yourself will help you, as opposed to your lawyer, get the most out of your divorce.

Turn to your friends.

You may think that you are okay, but chances are your emotions are blocking your ability to analyse your emotional state realistically. It is time to turn to friends to get their sense about what is happening in your marriage and how well you are coping.

Avoid turning to acquaintances who will likely tell you that you are doing great and that things will work out.

Steer clear of judgmental people who frown on divorce for their own reasons and end up making you feel like a bad person.

And stay away from those people who take sides or berate your spouse -- they are not helping you to be objective, they are just fuelling the fire (and getting great gossip for the mill).

Instead, speak to objective, impartial people who will really try to understand what you and your spouse are going through, and will not judge you.

Speaking to them will help you to realise that the problems that you are experiencing are not one-sided.

If you don't have any friends like this (and most of us don't), don't become disheartened.

Instead, consider seeing a counsellor or a psychologist who can help you to deal with your emotional state. If you don't take this approach, you may one day look back at your stack of legal bills and wish you had dealt with your emotional issues before making major legal decisions. In hindsight, you may conclude that seeing a counsellor or psychologist would have been a wise investment financially as well as a healthy move in a personal sense.

Legal fees increase when people disagree. If you and your spouse are able to talk, then you may be able to agree on some issues and thereby avoid escalating legal fees. You may even wish to consider joint counselling. If you have children, it is crucial that you and your ex do not become enemies. If you or your spouse treat divorce as a battleground, then your children will wear those battle scars regardless of who wins the war.

Bermuda has a wealth of counselling resources for people who are going through the trauma of divorce.

The island's employee assistance programmes offer short-term counselling to employees of their member companies.

Private counsellors and psychologists are also available to discuss divorce issues with clients.

In my experience, speaking with a counsellor or psychologist has helped my clients enormously.

Having addressed the emotional issues that accompany divorce, they are better able to tackle the important legal issues -- and to ensure that the time they spend with me is used more productively.

*** This column should not be used as a substitute for professional legal advice. Before proceeding with any matters discussed here, persons are advised to consult with a lawyer.

N.B.

This is the exact same Law Matters supplement that ran in The Royal Gazette on 20th September, 2000. However do the printing problems that affected the quality of the print, it was pulled from the circulation and did not appear again until the 9th October, 2000.