A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still! Which is why when it comes to conflict resolution, willing participation in the process by all the parties concerned is absolutely vital.

Without it, there isn't much hope for reconciliation, says Karen Laprade, Confict Resolution Practitioner and Mediation Trainer at the Centre for Community and Family Mediation, which is a division of the Coalition for Protection of Children.

"It has been in existence for five years, although there hasn't been any person to staff it and put the services in place,'' explained Ms Laprade.

"That happened just this past November when I joined the centre.'' There are five areas of service that the centre provides: Training and education and peer mediation; Conflict resolution services, conciliation, facilitation in multi-party mediation and in meetings and public speaking on related topics; Therapeutic services, working with individual children and coaching of parents to help to better learn to resolve conflict; Community building and collaboration; and Research and evaluation, community needs assessment.

Conflict is as old as civilisation and is as complex as it is common. It can be a simple disagreement between two family members or friends that escalates, tension between two neighbours or colleagues at work who can't stand each other.

And while Ms Laprade believes that any conflict can be resolved with co-operation from the parties, she admits there are some that just aren't. As a mediator she facilitates the negotiation between the two parties.

"It usually happens once communication is broken down and it's very admirable for people to realise `I would like some help, I would like someone to facilitate a process for us, to help us to get to the root cause and not just solve the immediate issue','' she explained.

"Many people in the community have been known to be good mediators, it could be a good friend or another adult, but you have to be careful, though, because oftentimes when arbitrating you are telling people what they should do.

"In mediation we believe the people who are involved in the conflict are the best people to resolve it. If I came in and said to someone `this is what you need to do to resolve the conflict' it may not meet any of their needs or their issues. If they can talk about it and have another person understand their needs and concerns then we can resolve it at that level.'' Once the involved parties agree to seek help, the mediation process begins and can take a few sessions to produce results.

"Usually one party approaches the centre, or we have referrals from other groups, and I talk to them on the phone and get a bit of an idea what's going on,'' Ms. Laprade said.

"I generally ask them to come in and meet with me individually and clarify the issues and I introduce them to the process to see if that is what they are looking for. Mediation is one option, but they can certainly pursue the legal realm of things or try to work out things yourself.

"Then the other party who is in the dispute needs to become part of the process. Oftentimes that's a very sensitive issue because if I was to make a direct phone call people can be very shocked by that.

"I invite them to come in to speak with me as well, or if it was a situation where two people knew each other well, one person might suggest mediation to the other party and they can call me directly.'' The mediation process will not get off the ground if one party is reluctant to participate in resolving the conflict.

"Mediation is a voluntary process, people have to want to be here,'' Ms Laprade stressed.

"We can't make anybody come to mediation, but what we do, though, is help people to look at the consequences, `if you don't try to work things out directly what are you going to do'? "Oftentimes it is at the level of `I'm going to hire a lawyer, I'm going to call the Police' so mediation is a nice piece to put in place to try to work things out yourself.

"I'm very careful in that not every case is appropriate for mediation. For safety sometimes we do not have that meeting face to face, I always make a final decision whether I feel it's appropriate for mediation, meaning safety is the issue.

"If, at the end of the day, I feel people need counselling help, I will make that recommendation. I'm very carefuly about people coming through the door and being worse off.'' Gossip is the root of many disputes in this community, starting at school-age and going right on into old-age by which time it has become a bad habit.

"I try to be very careful about making assumptions but I can tell you what most people say to me, especially in peer mediation when I go into the senior schools. I would say `what does conflict look like to you' and they will say `it's he-said-she-said kinds of things','' said Ms. Laprade.

"That's not Bermuda specifically, it's everywhere.'' Anther serious type of conflict is the one that exists between neighbours and leaves deep wounds if not addressed.

"There are noise issues, some assumptions about vandalism that may have happened when people think they know who might have done it and would like to confront that person,'' said Ms. Laprade.

"Noise comes when there are a lot of people and a lot of houses close together.'' Back in the day, it was not uncommon for a neighbour to correct an unruly child in the neighbourhood. That was the old Bermuda, but to do that now will almost certainly result in tension between two families.

"There are issues about how children are raised and looked after, so parenting principles and values are called into question between neighbours,'' said the mediator.

"Sometimes people will knock on a door and say `we're having a problem, let's try to work it out', but sometimes the Police are called and they can refer people to mediation as well. It's a strong message from the Police when they say `look, we've been called a number of times on this issue, you're going to need to work this out'.

"Many of the neighbourhood conflicts we have at the centre have been around for ten years. There are a lot of hurt feelings, a lot of animosity and a lot of just dealing with it as best they can.'' Mediation will start with an initial session between two and three hours. Some resolve issues within that time, while others come back for another three to five sessions.

"It's nice when people come in for an initial session and while they may not have resolved all the issues, they can say to each other `I think we can take this on our own and do it ourselves','' Ms. Laprade stated.

"That means mediation has put back in place the communication process for them and they don't need the help anymore. They've said `the next time you have an issue with my son I'd like you to come directly to me'.'' "If, at the end of the mediation, I can lean back in my chair and let two people talk than I feel successful.'' It's been said that people don't do things to you but for themselves.

Sometimes the act may not have been anything personal at all.

"When something feels very attacking to you, you say something in defence of yourself that feels like an attack towards me,'' the mediator said.

"So we're not hearing what they are trying to say. We break that pattern, I ask a lot of questions to get to the root of the problem. The analogy we use is peeling back layers of the onion with a number of successive questions.'' Ms Laprade stressed that she doesn't counsel the parties, but encourages them to find the solutions themselves. The centre charges a fee for some of the services they provide.

"My control over the process allows for one person to tell their story and share their experience and the hope is that the other person has heard it differently,'' she explained.

"People will say to me, `Karen, what do you think we should do?' and I would say `what do you think you should do, you are the best person to decide that'.

I always clarify from the outset it's not about me judging or deciding who's right or wrong or about taking sides.'' Canada-born Ms Laprade trained at the graduate level in conflict resolution and is completing a Masters degree in Psychology. She has also been a board member of a similiar agency in Ottawa, the Coalition for Conflict Resolution, in a low income, multi-cultural community who did not have access to services that others could afford.

"We do need volunteers to set up a pool of mediators because we would like for people to get more training and to give back to their community and also I may not be the right mediator for every circumstance,'' stated Ms Laprade who does peer mediation training with the Government schools.

"Sometimes it may be more appropriate to have a man as a mediator, some people feel more comfortable with someone of the same colour as they may be.

Age is also often an issue.'' She stresses that conflict can be healthy.

"It affords us growth, change and working towards the future and using conflict to be a healthy and productive part of our lives,'' Ms Laprade said.

"Conflict happens every day and I wouldn't want to take away that experience.

I want people to realise they can choose how they respond to conflict and that there are better ways and less better ways.

"When I teach children they can pick this information up much more quickly and we are now looking at ways to better socialise our children. We are understanding the importance of teaching children how to connect, relate and solve problems.

"As adults we are not as willing to talk about our emotions and feelings and also have a lot to unlearn. People who are very analytical and factual in their thinking, which serves them well in many areas, may struggle in personal communication situations.

"We're not asking people to give up who they are, but we're asking them to try to understand each other.''